One Year Later, Faith Reflection

While I've attempted in the past year to keep up with blogging about Hailey and my grief  journey as well as about my new favorite subject of Isaac, I realized that I haven't written about where I'm at with my faith in quite some time.

I started thinking about where I "was" this time one year ago. Last January, 2011, was, after burying Hailey and my dad in January 2010, one of the most difficult months of my life and it was all because of where my relationship with God was at during that time. Of course losing Hailey and my dad within weeks of each other made January 2010 extremely sorrowful and difficult; however, I've never felt closer to God than I did at that time of my life. I've never felt His presence stronger. I've never heard His voice more clearly. I've never seen His hand in my life more obviously. I've never witnessed and participated in the miracles and answers to prayers as He worked in that time. While my life hit an all time low, my faith had never been stronger in January 2010. Of course as time went on, it began to waver as my grief caused me to ask questions of why and demand answers that God may never grant me this side of heaven.

But in January 2011, one year after losing two people I loved more than words can ever express, my faith pretty much hit rock bottom. I found myself pregnant again fearing our second child would have Trisomy 18 or 21 or that I'd miscarry or that something would happen to cause me to also bury my second baby; this intensified my grief and almost made me preemptively grieve a baby that I didn't even know if I'd lose or not. I allowed my fear of losing my second child or having a child with disabilities wrap itself tightly around my heart. In January we were also moving from the home we had a made a home with Hailey in Alabama and moving away from the relationships and the friends who became like family to us. We were having to start all over in a new community, in a new state. As an introvert by nature, continually having to seek out friendships and relationships is a struggle of mine and not something I look forward to having to do every time we move. To add to the changes of being pregnant and moving to a new place, I was also confronted with my husband having to deploy shortly after moving. While I knew this is what I signed up for as an Army wife, I started to view it as another loss. So in January 2011, all the changes happening became frightening, and I was tired of grieving and having things "taken" from me.

I began to question God. Why was He asking so much of me? Why was He taking "everything" from me? Why was He requiring me to make so many sacrifices? (While I knew being a Christ-follower meant He may ask me to sacrifice and so on, I came to a point where I couldn't do it anymore and started to become envious of those I assumed He was asking nothing of, living their comfy lifestyles with their families complete, etc. - such an immature believer I was being). I began to struggle with what God allows and what God wills and beliefs about creation and why He would create babies who are "imperfect" and have birth defects and disorders and so on who appear to be created to experience pain and suffering. I began to tell Him I didn't trust Him with my second baby. I couldn't trust Him the Creator with the child he was creating (make sense right? ( insert sarcasm)).

Last year, I'm almost ashamed to say I was in a very scary place and my faith was shaking. The questions, the fear, the changes, the grief all caused me to distance myself from God. I wanted Him, yet kept Him at a distance. I knew I was acting foolishly but I got myself into a place where I wanted to have faith and trust but didn't know how to anymore.

So I've been comparing where I was a year ago to where I am now.

A year later, I'm in the best place I've been in a very long time. {Thank you Lord for allowing me this season of joy! Oh how I've needed it and oh how I know I don't deserve it!} All the things I feared didn't come true. God gave me my miracle, a healthy son who I love more than I could have ever imagined and enjoy each and every day. God didn't call Josh to deploy last year after all; instead it will be this summer/fall. God allowed me to settle into our new home and community with my husband, my partner, by my side, gave us old friends in our new area, and blessed me with many friendships with wonderful Christian women here.

While most people have a tendency to pull away from God when things start going well, including myself usually, since we then seem to think we don't need God, that's not the case for me during this season of calm and joy right now. Making a purposeful habit and commitment to spending time every day in God's word and in prayer and seeking to be filled with the Holy Spirit has made all the difference in my walk right now (not trying to pat myself on the back or anything, but being honest; a relationship is a two way road, I'm finally starting to do my part again). Even though I categorize this as a season of joy life still has it's fair share of challenges and difficulties and struggles, but I'm thankful to have God's grace and mercy and love and presence in my life. I'm thankful to no longer be held captive by fear or selfishness or anything that hinders my walk with God. Ultimately, I'm reminded that God is good in the bad and God is good in the good and that God is good, ALL THE TIME. And right now, as I used to say as a youth group leader, I'm on fire for the Lord seeking after Him with my whole heart. My relationship with Christ is growing to be more and more intimate as I seek to understand the truths of having His Spirit living inside of me.

 

(*Publishing without proofreading, the English major inside of me is cringing, but the stay-at-home mom in me sometimes just needs to spew out the words and go!)