While I've attempted in the past year to keep up with blogging about Hailey and my grief journey as well as about my new favorite subject of Isaac, I realized that I haven't written about where I'm at with my faith in quite some time.
I started thinking about where I "was" this time one year ago. Last January, 2011, was, after burying Hailey and my dad in January 2010, one of the most difficult months of my life and it was all because of where my relationship with God was at during that time. Of course losing Hailey and my dad within weeks of each other made January 2010 extremely sorrowful and difficult; however, I've never felt closer to God than I did at that time of my life. I've never felt His presence stronger. I've never heard His voice more clearly. I've never seen His hand in my life more obviously. I've never witnessed and participated in the miracles and answers to prayers as He worked in that time. While my life hit an all time low, my faith had never been stronger in January 2010. Of course as time went on, it began to waver as my grief caused me to ask questions of why and demand answers that God may never grant me this side of heaven.
But in January 2011, one year after losing two people I loved more than words can ever express, my faith pretty much hit rock bottom. I found myself pregnant again fearing our second child would have Trisomy 18 or 21 or that I'd miscarry or that something would happen to cause me to also bury my second baby; this intensified my grief and almost made me preemptively grieve a baby that I didn't even know if I'd lose or not. I allowed my fear of losing my second child or having a child with disabilities wrap itself tightly around my heart. In January we were also moving from the home we had a made a home with Hailey in Alabama and moving away from the relationships and the friends who became like family to us. We were having to start all over in a new community, in a new state. As an introvert by nature, continually having to seek out friendships and relationships is a struggle of mine and not something I look forward to having to do every time we move. To add to the changes of being pregnant and moving to a new place, I was also confronted with my husband having to deploy shortly after moving. While I knew this is what I signed up for as an Army wife, I started to view it as another loss. So in January 2011, all the changes happening became frightening, and I was tired of grieving and having things "taken" from me.
I began to question God. Why was He asking so much of me? Why was He taking "everything" from me? Why was He requiring me to make so many sacrifices? (While I knew being a Christ-follower meant He may ask me to sacrifice and so on, I came to a point where I couldn't do it anymore and started to become envious of those I assumed He was asking nothing of, living their comfy lifestyles with their families complete, etc. - such an immature believer I was being). I began to struggle with what God allows and what God wills and beliefs about creation and why He would create babies who are "imperfect" and have birth defects and disorders and so on who appear to be created to experience pain and suffering. I began to tell Him I didn't trust Him with my second baby. I couldn't trust Him the Creator with the child he was creating (make sense right? ( insert sarcasm)).
Last year, I'm almost ashamed to say I was in a very scary place and my faith was shaking. The questions, the fear, the changes, the grief all caused me to distance myself from God. I wanted Him, yet kept Him at a distance. I knew I was acting foolishly but I got myself into a place where I wanted to have faith and trust but didn't know how to anymore.
So I've been comparing where I was a year ago to where I am now.
A year later, I'm in the best place I've been in a very long time. {Thank you Lord for allowing me this season of joy! Oh how I've needed it and oh how I know I don't deserve it!} All the things I feared didn't come true. God gave me my miracle, a healthy son who I love more than I could have ever imagined and enjoy each and every day. God didn't call Josh to deploy last year after all; instead it will be this summer/fall. God allowed me to settle into our new home and community with my husband, my partner, by my side, gave us old friends in our new area, and blessed me with many friendships with wonderful Christian women here.
While most people have a tendency to pull away from God when things start going well, including myself usually, since we then seem to think we don't need God, that's not the case for me during this season of calm and joy right now. Making a purposeful habit and commitment to spending time every day in God's word and in prayer and seeking to be filled with the Holy Spirit has made all the difference in my walk right now (not trying to pat myself on the back or anything, but being honest; a relationship is a two way road, I'm finally starting to do my part again). Even though I categorize this as a season of joy life still has it's fair share of challenges and difficulties and struggles, but I'm thankful to have God's grace and mercy and love and presence in my life. I'm thankful to no longer be held captive by fear or selfishness or anything that hinders my walk with God. Ultimately, I'm reminded that God is good in the bad and God is good in the good and that God is good, ALL THE TIME. And right now, as I used to say as a youth group leader, I'm on fire for the Lord seeking after Him with my whole heart. My relationship with Christ is growing to be more and more intimate as I seek to understand the truths of having His Spirit living inside of me.
(*Publishing without proofreading, the English major inside of me is cringing, but the stay-at-home mom in me sometimes just needs to spew out the words and go!)
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Isaac, 5 Months
Every month with Isaac is better and better. Today he turns 5 months old.
Shortly after my last post, Isaac had his 4 month check up. He is our long, skinny baby, measuring at 27" long and barely weighing 14lbs. His head size is in the 50th percentile, weight is 25th percentile, and height he's 96th percentile. He started this past month wearing 6 month size clothes, then 6-9, now he's in 9 month outfits at 5 months old wearing some 12 month outfits. I had to buy him a ton of socks this month due to his growing feet and the fact that he soaks a pair from sucking on his feet during play and nap times.
He's as cute as ever. Looking more and more like a little man than a baby. His dimples and eye lashes are amazing. Much to my delight his baby blues are still blue and aren't showing signs of changing, although my husband seems to think they are. He still has a cute little bald spot on the back of his head, long hair on the bottom which makes it look like a mullet.
This month he had many accomplishments. He's continuing to have the same bedtime and wake up times. If we ignore the chaos of Christmas travels, he fell into a 3.5-4 hour routine, up for 2 hrs or a little more and one morning nap for 1.5-2hrs and one afternoon nap for 1.5-2hrs with an evening catnap. Of course every day is a bit different, but we were shocked this past New Year's weekend when he had the same schedule for 3 days like clock work and it was amazing! We even had to wake him up from his naps so he didn't sleep longer than 2 hrs. Of course that didn't last, but his schedule is close. He remains a great night sleeper and poor daytime napper but he's getting sooooo much better!!
After we got back from our week and a half of travels, we started having him sleep in his crib at night too. This made it my third attempt, and I was committed to not giving in. He went to bed at his normal 8/9pmish bedtime in his crib and then two hours later woke up screaming, not crying, but ear-piercing screaming, I consoled him and eventually had to nurse him to sleep. After I put him back down he slept 6 hrs straight. From then on he's been a perfect sleeper in his crib. Sometimes too good, sleeping over 9 hrs at a time, which makes for a difficult day for naps. Also this month we started putting him down tired but awake - he dictated this more than us, but of course we welcomed it.
Rolling over has been huge for him this month. He's flipping from back to tummy like a champ. For some reason he likes to do it before he falls asleep in his crib and when he wakes up in the middle of the night (in fact, I now think it's because he's wanting to sleep on his tummy instead of his back). He has lots of nighttime antics. We removed the bumpers that came with his crib and didn't have anything up, but he started using the rails to turn himself over and was getting his little legs caught in between, so we went out and invested in some breathable bumpers. I just wish he could flip onto his back more easily and not be stuck there... In time I suppose.
He's getting better and better at reaching and grabbing and turning towards people and things. He loves watching people eat and drink and grabbing for what they have. For Christmas we and his Grammy bought him a bouncer; he hasn't been all that into until this past week since he's finally big enough to touch the ground and reach all the fun toys with his arms. He has a blast in it now although he still doesn't use his legs to bounce much just yet.
I thought I should also share more about his personality and likes and dislikes - I can't believe I haven't done this more before. He's a goofball. One of his favorite games that he invented is flipping his bib over his face, like his own version of peek-a-boo. He's a people person, or as I like to say, he's a ham. He loves attention and loves smiling at people and loves when they smile back at him. He also loves his puppy dog and smiles at Opie all the time. He's smiley, he's happy, and it's wonderufl. If he's had enough rest, he's a pretty mellow baby, up for whatever the day holds. If he's a little off on his sleeping, he's a bit more "needy" wanting to be held and walked around more. He's still sucking on his fingers and shoving whatever he can into his mouth whether it's his hands, feet, or whatever toy he has. He loves his Sophie (teething toy) now. As I've mentioned, he enjoys playing in his bouncer, playing with his toys on his play gym, rolling onto his tummy any chance he gets, playing with his big puppy. He got a cool cowboy/horse toy, that makes noises and moves when you press the cowboy hat, from his Grandma and Oma who found it for him. He absolutely loves when it moves towards him - giant smile on his face, arms outstretched for it. And of course if he gets it, he tries to eat it. ;) I'm not sure whether he's more of an observer or doer - he seems to be a mixture of both in my opinion. He also seems to be both extroverted and introverted, a good balance of both, not sure if that part of the personality emerges just yet, but if I had to guess he's more extroverted since he loves interacting with people so much and soaks up attention. Although he does give a coy shy smile every once in awhile where he'll then bury his head in whoever's shoulder is holding him. He still squeals when he laughs but we're getting more and more giggles and he talks more and more.
Of course being a stay-at-home mom is hard work and has its times of being frustrating and stressful, but I'm absolutely loving it now and feel very blessed to be in a position where I can stay home with Isaac. We have such a blast together. He's also become a good shopping partner and errand runner with me. He does well in his carseat in the car all by himself (someone used to need to sit next to him all the time). He just relaxes and takes in the sights around him occasionally playing with one of the attached toys he has. He does the same in his carseat when being pushed around in a cart in the stores, loves looking around at everything and watching what I'm doing. He's very quiet and again will play with his toys if he gets bored. He rarely fusses anymore unless he's about to fall asleep which will be momentary and then he's out.
Which reminds me! I can't forget to record that this month was his first big trip. For his first big trip, he traveled to IL from TN with us for a week and a half. We traveled over night, an 8 hr drive, so he'd sleep. He did great traveling, we on the other hand struggled a little more, but it went well. Being in so many new environments and having to nap so many different places was hard on the little guy, but he did great overall.
Oh and I almost forgot! We've been trying to offer Isaac a bottle of breastmilk or formula on occasion, not to wean him, but for flexibility, starting to find babysitters, etc. Well he went on a bottle strike last month which was really frustrating, but out of the blue he started taking a bottle again much to my delight since it gives me a bit more freedom. But I'm still breastfeeding 99% of the time, and it will continue to be that way for some time. We haven't introduced solids yet to him because he's already showing food sensitivities to my milk, but we should get to start next month which is going to be fun.
That's about it for now! Thanks to everyone who's been praying for him and for us! The prayers have worked / are working!
Shortly after my last post, Isaac had his 4 month check up. He is our long, skinny baby, measuring at 27" long and barely weighing 14lbs. His head size is in the 50th percentile, weight is 25th percentile, and height he's 96th percentile. He started this past month wearing 6 month size clothes, then 6-9, now he's in 9 month outfits at 5 months old wearing some 12 month outfits. I had to buy him a ton of socks this month due to his growing feet and the fact that he soaks a pair from sucking on his feet during play and nap times.
He's as cute as ever. Looking more and more like a little man than a baby. His dimples and eye lashes are amazing. Much to my delight his baby blues are still blue and aren't showing signs of changing, although my husband seems to think they are. He still has a cute little bald spot on the back of his head, long hair on the bottom which makes it look like a mullet.
This month he had many accomplishments. He's continuing to have the same bedtime and wake up times. If we ignore the chaos of Christmas travels, he fell into a 3.5-4 hour routine, up for 2 hrs or a little more and one morning nap for 1.5-2hrs and one afternoon nap for 1.5-2hrs with an evening catnap. Of course every day is a bit different, but we were shocked this past New Year's weekend when he had the same schedule for 3 days like clock work and it was amazing! We even had to wake him up from his naps so he didn't sleep longer than 2 hrs. Of course that didn't last, but his schedule is close. He remains a great night sleeper and poor daytime napper but he's getting sooooo much better!!
After we got back from our week and a half of travels, we started having him sleep in his crib at night too. This made it my third attempt, and I was committed to not giving in. He went to bed at his normal 8/9pmish bedtime in his crib and then two hours later woke up screaming, not crying, but ear-piercing screaming, I consoled him and eventually had to nurse him to sleep. After I put him back down he slept 6 hrs straight. From then on he's been a perfect sleeper in his crib. Sometimes too good, sleeping over 9 hrs at a time, which makes for a difficult day for naps. Also this month we started putting him down tired but awake - he dictated this more than us, but of course we welcomed it.
Rolling over has been huge for him this month. He's flipping from back to tummy like a champ. For some reason he likes to do it before he falls asleep in his crib and when he wakes up in the middle of the night (in fact, I now think it's because he's wanting to sleep on his tummy instead of his back). He has lots of nighttime antics. We removed the bumpers that came with his crib and didn't have anything up, but he started using the rails to turn himself over and was getting his little legs caught in between, so we went out and invested in some breathable bumpers. I just wish he could flip onto his back more easily and not be stuck there... In time I suppose.
He's getting better and better at reaching and grabbing and turning towards people and things. He loves watching people eat and drink and grabbing for what they have. For Christmas we and his Grammy bought him a bouncer; he hasn't been all that into until this past week since he's finally big enough to touch the ground and reach all the fun toys with his arms. He has a blast in it now although he still doesn't use his legs to bounce much just yet.
I thought I should also share more about his personality and likes and dislikes - I can't believe I haven't done this more before. He's a goofball. One of his favorite games that he invented is flipping his bib over his face, like his own version of peek-a-boo. He's a people person, or as I like to say, he's a ham. He loves attention and loves smiling at people and loves when they smile back at him. He also loves his puppy dog and smiles at Opie all the time. He's smiley, he's happy, and it's wonderufl. If he's had enough rest, he's a pretty mellow baby, up for whatever the day holds. If he's a little off on his sleeping, he's a bit more "needy" wanting to be held and walked around more. He's still sucking on his fingers and shoving whatever he can into his mouth whether it's his hands, feet, or whatever toy he has. He loves his Sophie (teething toy) now. As I've mentioned, he enjoys playing in his bouncer, playing with his toys on his play gym, rolling onto his tummy any chance he gets, playing with his big puppy. He got a cool cowboy/horse toy, that makes noises and moves when you press the cowboy hat, from his Grandma and Oma who found it for him. He absolutely loves when it moves towards him - giant smile on his face, arms outstretched for it. And of course if he gets it, he tries to eat it. ;) I'm not sure whether he's more of an observer or doer - he seems to be a mixture of both in my opinion. He also seems to be both extroverted and introverted, a good balance of both, not sure if that part of the personality emerges just yet, but if I had to guess he's more extroverted since he loves interacting with people so much and soaks up attention. Although he does give a coy shy smile every once in awhile where he'll then bury his head in whoever's shoulder is holding him. He still squeals when he laughs but we're getting more and more giggles and he talks more and more.
Of course being a stay-at-home mom is hard work and has its times of being frustrating and stressful, but I'm absolutely loving it now and feel very blessed to be in a position where I can stay home with Isaac. We have such a blast together. He's also become a good shopping partner and errand runner with me. He does well in his carseat in the car all by himself (someone used to need to sit next to him all the time). He just relaxes and takes in the sights around him occasionally playing with one of the attached toys he has. He does the same in his carseat when being pushed around in a cart in the stores, loves looking around at everything and watching what I'm doing. He's very quiet and again will play with his toys if he gets bored. He rarely fusses anymore unless he's about to fall asleep which will be momentary and then he's out.
Which reminds me! I can't forget to record that this month was his first big trip. For his first big trip, he traveled to IL from TN with us for a week and a half. We traveled over night, an 8 hr drive, so he'd sleep. He did great traveling, we on the other hand struggled a little more, but it went well. Being in so many new environments and having to nap so many different places was hard on the little guy, but he did great overall.
Oh and I almost forgot! We've been trying to offer Isaac a bottle of breastmilk or formula on occasion, not to wean him, but for flexibility, starting to find babysitters, etc. Well he went on a bottle strike last month which was really frustrating, but out of the blue he started taking a bottle again much to my delight since it gives me a bit more freedom. But I'm still breastfeeding 99% of the time, and it will continue to be that way for some time. We haven't introduced solids yet to him because he's already showing food sensitivities to my milk, but we should get to start next month which is going to be fun.
That's about it for now! Thanks to everyone who's been praying for him and for us! The prayers have worked / are working!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Two Years Ago...
Two years ago...
It seems like a lifetime ago now. Yet, when I think back, the memories and emotions are as fresh as ever. It hurts to think back. I think I may be to the point in my grief journey where I'm not wanting to look back as much to avoid the hurt. Two years later, and now I'm starting to understand why some people who have buried their children don't like to talk about them. I'm much more selective now with who I openly tell that I had a daughter who died two years ago. I'm not only more selective about who I say it to, but as well as what I say and how much I share. That's not to say I don't like Hailey being mentioned, I do, but it's different when my friends and family talk to me about her than when I'm carefully unraveling this tragic part of my past over and over again in new settings. I no longer offer details and explanations without being prompted. If someone new asks about my family, I do remain honest, but vaguely so. Sometimes in the situation it's appropriate for me to simply share I have two children or that Isaac is my second baby. In those situations, I don't even mention one of my children is alive and the other is dead. (I just cringed as I wrote that... I hate how that sounds... so harsh... but it's the truth). In other situations, I peel back another layer and do share that I had a daughter who passed away, but I leave it at that. It always creates the "awkward" moment where no one knows what to say or do. I don't offer up any more details unless someone asks, which I don't mind sharing, but only if I know they have an interest. I've shared one too many times probably too many details where I can tell the person I'm speaking too is getting more than they bargained for, or they didn't want to know, or it's too much and they get a glazed over look on their face where they try to act interested but aren't. In the past two years, I learned that sometimes wearing my heart on my sleeve and being an open book means I share way too much and that can be a bad thing, a painful thing. So I've stopped "spewing" out the deepest most personal things about myself, realizing it's okay to keep some things to myself and just between family or close friends... or on my blog....
On a somewhat related side note, when someone hears that a baby or a child died, the first thing they want to know is why/ how... and often times that's the next question asked... which is logical and fine and comes from caring hearts most of the time... but if you ever find yourself in the situation, the "best" question to ask first, is "what was your baby's name?" ... I love getting that question. My heart always smiles when I reply, "Her name was Hailey."
Anyway, in keeping with the "themes" of these posts on the anniversary of her passing or as I sometimes refer to it as her "heavenly birthday," I'll continue sharing about where I am on my grief journey two years later, I have to say that my second year without her has been hard, perhaps as hard as the first in its own respects. Imagine my first year of grief as me in the bottom of a very deep and dark pit. Imagine my second year as climbing out of that very deep and dark pit... sometimes I can't see where I'm going, but all I know is I have to climb up and climbing sure is hard and tiring and sometimes I slip and fall and start all over.
"She's" less present in my day to day life and less present in my mind. Especially since Isaac, my mind is often occupied with the here and now and what's demanding my attention that's right in front of me, which is fine, but of course, is why Hailey has slid further and further into the back of my mind. But when I say that, know that I still think of her every single day, but it's not the same. And remembering is hard, so sometimes I avoid being still and taking time to remember because I don't want the pain of the inadequacy of my memory. I don't know what I'd do without my pictures and videos of her... perhaps that's why I'm so obsessed with capturing every moment of Isaac's life... If it weren't for those images, I don't know what I'd do. It's difficult to sit here right now and picture Hailey in my mind in a "real" way and not just imagine how she looked in a picture I recently looked at of her. I can no longer remember her sounds or cries. I can no longer remember how it felt to hold her... that one might be the hardest. That memory was one that was so vivid and so comforting to have... because when I miss holding her, I had that memory of her weight and the way it felt which filled the void for me... but now I can't even remember that. In some ways, having Isaac makes remembering Hailey hard... my experiences with him interfere with my memories of her... I try to imagine the weight of her in my arms, I can't get passed how it felt to hold him today... I try to imagine Hailey's eyes, which I do remember purposefully staring into one night trying to study and memorize every little thing about them so I could never forget... and now I've forgotten. I can't imagine her eyes, instead Isaac's eyes come to my mind. Sure I have pictures, but pictures never captured the real Hailey.
But to be honest, if it weren't for having Isaac... I don't know where I'd be in my grief journey with Hailey. In many ways, the mother part of me that died when Hailey died, which was a huge, traumatic, painful loss, has been redeemed through being Isaac's mommy. Those dreams of being a mother and raising and loving a child that died with Hailey were reborn and fulfilled with Isaac. So in a lot of ways, with Isaac's life came a lot of healing for me. Having him to love and talk about makes being around other women who are moms and have children, something that was very difficult after Hailey and before Isaac. But of course, Isaac doesn't replace Hailey in anyway. The void in our lives from losing Hailey will always be huge and nothing, but God, will ever fill that.
And to be honest, sometimes having Isaac makes the grief harder... or maybe different. Sometimes I feel I miss her more, if that were possible, because of having Isaac. Watching him change and grow and develop and reach milestones and become his own person is a stark reminder of Hailey being forever 5 weeks old and brings up the pain of not knowing her like I can know Isaac. To see Isaac smile his big, gigantic, gorgeous, gummy smile at me reminds me that I don't know Hailey's smile... she never had one... well, no, that's not entirely true, she had her half-sleepy/ dreamlike smiles, but not the purposeful, social, big ones like Isaac gives. The list goes on, but there's no need to...
With moving to a new state this year, settling into a new community, making new friends, having Isaac, it's almost like I'm living a different life, which makes Hailey's loss and living without her more difficult. Again, like she's getting further and further away, which I associate to mean she's becoming less and less important, although I know that's not true. Oh the lies grief likes to play on you...
Special days this year were especially hard. I always try to remember her in a special way on those days, but it's hard when I want other people's acknowledgement too. Her birthday was especially hard. In venting my difficulties to my friend, she wondered if I was afraid people were forgetting Hailey or if people were forgetting me and the loss I'd endured... And I hadn't realized it until she said that, but both have caused me troubles. Thankfully on Hailey's birthday, my husband, Isaac, and I did something special through Hailey's Hope. On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day I lit a candle for her and so did several friends. On Christmas I remembered her by buying her and Isaac the book I mentioned in the last post, visiting her grave, giving her a pink rose, giving her a new butterfly and wreath, putting up her pink stocking and buying her Christmas gift which is another butterfly to put in our house. And I noticed some of my family members left tokens of their love by her grave as well. On Mother's Day... well I honestly can't remember back to unless I were to go back to my blog posts... but I know without having to look Mother's Day was hard, I avoided church I think, and felt the Hailey-me-forgotten-pain... The Hailey-me-forgotten-pain is one that was at the forefront of this year and hard to deal with. But I'm thankful for the moments this year where friends and family have made it a point to do something special or say something to me letting me know their love for Hailey, and me.
I think that's about all I want to say in terms of reflecting back on my grief over losing Hailey two years ago. I didn't want to write about what happened two years ago... I've done that plenty of times... and don't really want to go down that memory lane too many times as there's no need to do it too much... It hurts to much.
I'm not sure what I'll do on January 6th (I'm writing this ahead of time) to remember her. I, of course, want to and need to do something, but I'm not sure what... I'm never sure what to do... If I were at home by her, I'd buy her another pink rose, go visit her grave, and read her Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You one more time... But I can't... So I've got to come up with something else...
Hopefully I'll focus less on what I went through on January 6, 2010 and focus more on imagining Hailey in Heaven, where there is much peace and comfort in those thoughts.
It seems like a lifetime ago now. Yet, when I think back, the memories and emotions are as fresh as ever. It hurts to think back. I think I may be to the point in my grief journey where I'm not wanting to look back as much to avoid the hurt. Two years later, and now I'm starting to understand why some people who have buried their children don't like to talk about them. I'm much more selective now with who I openly tell that I had a daughter who died two years ago. I'm not only more selective about who I say it to, but as well as what I say and how much I share. That's not to say I don't like Hailey being mentioned, I do, but it's different when my friends and family talk to me about her than when I'm carefully unraveling this tragic part of my past over and over again in new settings. I no longer offer details and explanations without being prompted. If someone new asks about my family, I do remain honest, but vaguely so. Sometimes in the situation it's appropriate for me to simply share I have two children or that Isaac is my second baby. In those situations, I don't even mention one of my children is alive and the other is dead. (I just cringed as I wrote that... I hate how that sounds... so harsh... but it's the truth). In other situations, I peel back another layer and do share that I had a daughter who passed away, but I leave it at that. It always creates the "awkward" moment where no one knows what to say or do. I don't offer up any more details unless someone asks, which I don't mind sharing, but only if I know they have an interest. I've shared one too many times probably too many details where I can tell the person I'm speaking too is getting more than they bargained for, or they didn't want to know, or it's too much and they get a glazed over look on their face where they try to act interested but aren't. In the past two years, I learned that sometimes wearing my heart on my sleeve and being an open book means I share way too much and that can be a bad thing, a painful thing. So I've stopped "spewing" out the deepest most personal things about myself, realizing it's okay to keep some things to myself and just between family or close friends... or on my blog....
On a somewhat related side note, when someone hears that a baby or a child died, the first thing they want to know is why/ how... and often times that's the next question asked... which is logical and fine and comes from caring hearts most of the time... but if you ever find yourself in the situation, the "best" question to ask first, is "what was your baby's name?" ... I love getting that question. My heart always smiles when I reply, "Her name was Hailey."
Anyway, in keeping with the "themes" of these posts on the anniversary of her passing or as I sometimes refer to it as her "heavenly birthday," I'll continue sharing about where I am on my grief journey two years later, I have to say that my second year without her has been hard, perhaps as hard as the first in its own respects. Imagine my first year of grief as me in the bottom of a very deep and dark pit. Imagine my second year as climbing out of that very deep and dark pit... sometimes I can't see where I'm going, but all I know is I have to climb up and climbing sure is hard and tiring and sometimes I slip and fall and start all over.
"She's" less present in my day to day life and less present in my mind. Especially since Isaac, my mind is often occupied with the here and now and what's demanding my attention that's right in front of me, which is fine, but of course, is why Hailey has slid further and further into the back of my mind. But when I say that, know that I still think of her every single day, but it's not the same. And remembering is hard, so sometimes I avoid being still and taking time to remember because I don't want the pain of the inadequacy of my memory. I don't know what I'd do without my pictures and videos of her... perhaps that's why I'm so obsessed with capturing every moment of Isaac's life... If it weren't for those images, I don't know what I'd do. It's difficult to sit here right now and picture Hailey in my mind in a "real" way and not just imagine how she looked in a picture I recently looked at of her. I can no longer remember her sounds or cries. I can no longer remember how it felt to hold her... that one might be the hardest. That memory was one that was so vivid and so comforting to have... because when I miss holding her, I had that memory of her weight and the way it felt which filled the void for me... but now I can't even remember that. In some ways, having Isaac makes remembering Hailey hard... my experiences with him interfere with my memories of her... I try to imagine the weight of her in my arms, I can't get passed how it felt to hold him today... I try to imagine Hailey's eyes, which I do remember purposefully staring into one night trying to study and memorize every little thing about them so I could never forget... and now I've forgotten. I can't imagine her eyes, instead Isaac's eyes come to my mind. Sure I have pictures, but pictures never captured the real Hailey.
But to be honest, if it weren't for having Isaac... I don't know where I'd be in my grief journey with Hailey. In many ways, the mother part of me that died when Hailey died, which was a huge, traumatic, painful loss, has been redeemed through being Isaac's mommy. Those dreams of being a mother and raising and loving a child that died with Hailey were reborn and fulfilled with Isaac. So in a lot of ways, with Isaac's life came a lot of healing for me. Having him to love and talk about makes being around other women who are moms and have children, something that was very difficult after Hailey and before Isaac. But of course, Isaac doesn't replace Hailey in anyway. The void in our lives from losing Hailey will always be huge and nothing, but God, will ever fill that.
And to be honest, sometimes having Isaac makes the grief harder... or maybe different. Sometimes I feel I miss her more, if that were possible, because of having Isaac. Watching him change and grow and develop and reach milestones and become his own person is a stark reminder of Hailey being forever 5 weeks old and brings up the pain of not knowing her like I can know Isaac. To see Isaac smile his big, gigantic, gorgeous, gummy smile at me reminds me that I don't know Hailey's smile... she never had one... well, no, that's not entirely true, she had her half-sleepy/ dreamlike smiles, but not the purposeful, social, big ones like Isaac gives. The list goes on, but there's no need to...
With moving to a new state this year, settling into a new community, making new friends, having Isaac, it's almost like I'm living a different life, which makes Hailey's loss and living without her more difficult. Again, like she's getting further and further away, which I associate to mean she's becoming less and less important, although I know that's not true. Oh the lies grief likes to play on you...
Special days this year were especially hard. I always try to remember her in a special way on those days, but it's hard when I want other people's acknowledgement too. Her birthday was especially hard. In venting my difficulties to my friend, she wondered if I was afraid people were forgetting Hailey or if people were forgetting me and the loss I'd endured... And I hadn't realized it until she said that, but both have caused me troubles. Thankfully on Hailey's birthday, my husband, Isaac, and I did something special through Hailey's Hope. On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day I lit a candle for her and so did several friends. On Christmas I remembered her by buying her and Isaac the book I mentioned in the last post, visiting her grave, giving her a pink rose, giving her a new butterfly and wreath, putting up her pink stocking and buying her Christmas gift which is another butterfly to put in our house. And I noticed some of my family members left tokens of their love by her grave as well. On Mother's Day... well I honestly can't remember back to unless I were to go back to my blog posts... but I know without having to look Mother's Day was hard, I avoided church I think, and felt the Hailey-me-forgotten-pain... The Hailey-me-forgotten-pain is one that was at the forefront of this year and hard to deal with. But I'm thankful for the moments this year where friends and family have made it a point to do something special or say something to me letting me know their love for Hailey, and me.
I think that's about all I want to say in terms of reflecting back on my grief over losing Hailey two years ago. I didn't want to write about what happened two years ago... I've done that plenty of times... and don't really want to go down that memory lane too many times as there's no need to do it too much... It hurts to much.
I'm not sure what I'll do on January 6th (I'm writing this ahead of time) to remember her. I, of course, want to and need to do something, but I'm not sure what... I'm never sure what to do... If I were at home by her, I'd buy her another pink rose, go visit her grave, and read her Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You one more time... But I can't... So I've got to come up with something else...
Hopefully I'll focus less on what I went through on January 6, 2010 and focus more on imagining Hailey in Heaven, where there is much peace and comfort in those thoughts.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Reflecting & Looking Forward, Happy New Year!
This year I have a better appreciation of the New Year, which hasn't happened for awhile. I've enjoyed reflecting on this past year, where God has taken me, what he has shown me. And I'm even enjoying looking forward to the new year ahead, making resolutions, giving God my dreams and prayers for 2012, and opening myself up to his will for me.
2010 was marked with death and grief and sorrow, but this past year, 2011, was marked with lots of changes but most of all full of joy and celebration - a much welcome change of the seasons.
My year in review... Praising the Lord for these happenings in 2011:
~we moved to Fort Campbell (where we wanted the Army to send us!)
~we moved into the house we bought (and love!)
~we made many wonderful friends (God ordained for sure!)
~Josh didn't deploy (not initially what either of us wanted or expected, but something I'm grateful for)
~Hailey's Hope continued to serve (and two hospital NICUs at that!)
~I had a healthy pregnancy (a scary, fearful, difficult journey that God revealed himself to me through)
~I gave birth (naturally!) to our second baby...
~God gave us a healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy, Isaac (our laughter and joy, true to his namesake!) <-- MY BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE
~My husband and I celebrated 4 years of marriage (yippee!)
~Plus we made countless wonderful memories (strawberry picking, pumpkin picking, sight-seeing, concerts, trips, etc.)
This past year was full of many wonderful changes and blessings, and in Dave Ramsey's words, it was "better than I deserved." But the biggest events of the year were moving to another new state and making a new place our home and having Isaac. God really took me on another journey with him, all about trust and faith. He led me, his frightened child, by the hand every step of the way. I was his child withered down and beaten by 2010, but clinging on to him, barely at times as I faced many overwhelming changes at once at the beginning of the year. But God showed me he has me in the good and bad, and he is in all things, and it's okay to dream and hope, and no matter what happens he has me... and he does want good things to happen to me and that he will work all things for my good and his glory.
Looking Forward to 2012...
I'm not sure what God has in store for me in this new year, but I'm ready to face it with him. I do know that my husband will be facing a deployment to Afghanistan around August for about a year. That will be our first deployment, during which, I hate to say it, my husband will miss Isaac's first year. This of course will be another journey I'll be glad to go on with God at my side. It will be our first deployment, one we've anticipated and waited for, but it will be challenging... I have dreams and prayers for our marriage, our family, and Isaac... for myself as a wife and a mother... I'll keep those to myself, but I will admit and share that this year I hope to work more on being filled with the Spirit so I can have some of the fruits I so desperately need, like patience and self-control (especially in regards to my tendency towards negativity). On a lighter note, this year I resolve to finally bake a homemade apple pie (thankful that I have a vegan friendly amazing apple pie recipe from a friend). And on my list of 'to-do's' this year are: blog more, cook more, sew more.... Just keep being the modern housewife I suppose ?
And of course, not to be cheesy, but to really sit back and enjoy life more... I have a tendency to keep looking forward to the next thing... like I can't wait to go to college, I can't wait to get married, I can't wait to own my own house, I can't wait have a baby, I can't wait to retire, I can't wait to... you get the idea... Instead of that, this year I'm living more in the present and realizing right where I am is an awesome place that I love being... *THIS* right now is right where I want to be... Appreciating the present...
My friend Mya, shared this via email today; I thought her words were perfect and worth sharing to wrap this post up:
Where ever you are right now, whatever is happening around or inside of you, it is our prayer that you set some time aside over the next few days to really reflect on what God has done in your life over the last year and dream/plan for the year to come. We can be sure that unless we are intentional about reflecting on this life we've been given and the direction we're going, we will open our eyes some day in the future and wonder how the heck we got there and what we missed.
As you reflect on 2011 keep in mind that the Lord is fully capable and willing to work all things together for good (Romans 8:28), no matter how dire or painful or confusing they may be. We encourage you to bring those things to God and ask for His insight and wisdom so they can start to make sense (Jeremiah 33:3, James 1:5). You can stand firm on the truth that if the Lord allowed it or orchestrated it, He can (and wants to!) use it!
Blessings to you and yours in 2012
2010 was marked with death and grief and sorrow, but this past year, 2011, was marked with lots of changes but most of all full of joy and celebration - a much welcome change of the seasons.
My year in review... Praising the Lord for these happenings in 2011:
~we moved to Fort Campbell (where we wanted the Army to send us!)
~we moved into the house we bought (and love!)
~we made many wonderful friends (God ordained for sure!)
~Josh didn't deploy (not initially what either of us wanted or expected, but something I'm grateful for)
~Hailey's Hope continued to serve (and two hospital NICUs at that!)
~I had a healthy pregnancy (a scary, fearful, difficult journey that God revealed himself to me through)
~I gave birth (naturally!) to our second baby...
~God gave us a healthy, beautiful, perfect baby boy, Isaac (our laughter and joy, true to his namesake!) <-- MY BIGGEST DREAM COME TRUE
~My husband and I celebrated 4 years of marriage (yippee!)
~Plus we made countless wonderful memories (strawberry picking, pumpkin picking, sight-seeing, concerts, trips, etc.)
This past year was full of many wonderful changes and blessings, and in Dave Ramsey's words, it was "better than I deserved." But the biggest events of the year were moving to another new state and making a new place our home and having Isaac. God really took me on another journey with him, all about trust and faith. He led me, his frightened child, by the hand every step of the way. I was his child withered down and beaten by 2010, but clinging on to him, barely at times as I faced many overwhelming changes at once at the beginning of the year. But God showed me he has me in the good and bad, and he is in all things, and it's okay to dream and hope, and no matter what happens he has me... and he does want good things to happen to me and that he will work all things for my good and his glory.
Looking Forward to 2012...
I'm not sure what God has in store for me in this new year, but I'm ready to face it with him. I do know that my husband will be facing a deployment to Afghanistan around August for about a year. That will be our first deployment, during which, I hate to say it, my husband will miss Isaac's first year. This of course will be another journey I'll be glad to go on with God at my side. It will be our first deployment, one we've anticipated and waited for, but it will be challenging... I have dreams and prayers for our marriage, our family, and Isaac... for myself as a wife and a mother... I'll keep those to myself, but I will admit and share that this year I hope to work more on being filled with the Spirit so I can have some of the fruits I so desperately need, like patience and self-control (especially in regards to my tendency towards negativity). On a lighter note, this year I resolve to finally bake a homemade apple pie (thankful that I have a vegan friendly amazing apple pie recipe from a friend). And on my list of 'to-do's' this year are: blog more, cook more, sew more.... Just keep being the modern housewife I suppose ?
And of course, not to be cheesy, but to really sit back and enjoy life more... I have a tendency to keep looking forward to the next thing... like I can't wait to go to college, I can't wait to get married, I can't wait to own my own house, I can't wait have a baby, I can't wait to retire, I can't wait to... you get the idea... Instead of that, this year I'm living more in the present and realizing right where I am is an awesome place that I love being... *THIS* right now is right where I want to be... Appreciating the present...
My friend Mya, shared this via email today; I thought her words were perfect and worth sharing to wrap this post up:
Where ever you are right now, whatever is happening around or inside of you, it is our prayer that you set some time aside over the next few days to really reflect on what God has done in your life over the last year and dream/plan for the year to come. We can be sure that unless we are intentional about reflecting on this life we've been given and the direction we're going, we will open our eyes some day in the future and wonder how the heck we got there and what we missed.
As you reflect on 2011 keep in mind that the Lord is fully capable and willing to work all things together for good (Romans 8:28), no matter how dire or painful or confusing they may be. We encourage you to bring those things to God and ask for His insight and wisdom so they can start to make sense (Jeremiah 33:3, James 1:5). You can stand firm on the truth that if the Lord allowed it or orchestrated it, He can (and wants to!) use it!
Blessings to you and yours in 2012
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