Today I Rejoice

Because of my experience with Hailey, and her being our first baby, and because that experience entered me into a world I had never given a second thought to, one in which I now have many friends and acquaintances in who have also experienced the tragedy of losing their baby, it's been very difficult for me to feel genuine excitement and hope over this second pregnancy of ours and to share it publicly. To be honest, most of the time that excitement and hope that most expectant moms have is not there for me, but, even when it is, I find myself not being able to share it, almost being afraid of it.

However, today I cannot contain myself.

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." Psalm 69:30

Without going into much detail, there have been several issues I have been praying about throughout the day every day and that several other people have been praying about with us.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 1 John 5:14

"Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full." John 16:24

"Have faith that you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

Today I experienced evidence that God heard us and answered. Today God gave me good news. Today God gave me reason to be hopeful and joyful. Today God nudged me and told me it's okay to hope for the things I've been hoping for, and it's okay to hope for the things I haven't allowed myself to hope for, like a future with my baby.

Because of losing Hailey, I learned that nothing is guaranteed, that just because you're pregnant and everything seems well, it doesn't mean you're going to go home with a baby... To put a very long story short, my experiences with my first pregnancy (which has given birth to new fears, worries, doubts, etc.) have kept me dreaming of a future with this baby.

I haven't liked talking much about this baby on my blog or even with those in my life because most want to mention our baby in reference to the future, a future I know that is not guaranteed. I've cringed at such comments. I've cringed upon receiving gifts. I haven't even allowed myself to imagine a future with our baby. I haven't allowed myself to imagine a nursery let alone begin the 'fun' of picking out nursery decor or items for our baby boy. I haven't allowed myself to become 'too excited' about my growing belly, the movements I'm feeling, and so on, which is why I haven't talked about them.

Again, to put a very long story short, it's been very difficult to feel excitement and joy and hope over this baby because I've been plagued by loss, pain, fears, worries, and so on. When I do feel excited, I'm afraid to share it as though becoming too excited might provoke another loss or that if something were to go 'wrong' that the pain might be all that more unbearable or even that my excitement over our current pregnancy might hurt another mother who is or has experienced a loss or pregnancy-related trial...

It's been hard for me to rejoice in the 'good' because I know God calls me to rejoice in him no matter what,

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:18

and in fact, I've learned to rejoice in the 'hard' times more than in the 'good' times... I've felt scared to rejoice in something I view as 'good' news as though I'm being selfish or wrong or losing my eternal perspective...

But today, today my heart rejoices, and I know I need to share it. I know it's okay to share it.

Today I'm happy over 'good' news, and it's a happiness that I feel God has given me. I feel Him telling me it's okay to want good news and feel happy about good news - it doesn't mean I'm losing my eternal perspective or forgetting what true joy is...

Today I delight over my baby boy with more confidence and less fear. Today I realize that the reality I dream of might come true, that God might give me a baby who is born healthy. Moreover, today I realize it's okay to hope for that and believe that.

Today, for the first time, I am allowing myself to take down my walls and allowing myself to dream of a future with my son. Today, for the first time, I can walk into the room that is set aside for him upstairs and imagine him there with us. Today, for the first time, I can allow myself to start to look at, and maybe even purchase, items for our baby boy. Today, for the first time, I can dream of what I want his nursery to look like. Today, for the first time, I can tell you how beautiful he looks on the sonogram screen, how I started feeling him move about a month ago in my 19th week, and how today, for the first time at 23 weeks, I could feel him move on the outside of my belly.

Today, for the first time with this pregnancy, I feel free and safe to hope and dream, and I praise God for His faithfulness, healing, answered prayers, the amazing work he is already doing in our son's life, and in ours.

But even as I write this, I know a seed of doubt remains in me because the reality of something going wrong is still there, and so I ask that you continue to uplift us and our son in prayer.  Praying that this seed of doubt that remains does not give life to more doubt or fear. Praying that it's in God's will to make these hopes and dreams of ours, of giving birth to and bringing home a son who is healthy, come true.

Thank you

Psalm 68

³² Sing to God, you kingdoms of the earth,
sing praise to the Lord,
³³ to him who rides across the highest heavens, the ancient heavens,
who thunders with mighty voice.
³⁴ Proclaim the power of God,
whose majesty is over Israel,
whose power is in the heavens.
³⁵ You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary;
the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people.

Praise be to God!