Easter Update

Well Easter has come and gone, but I thought I'd write a post about how it went considering what I had written about in my last post about my apprehension and sadness because of not having Hailey with us for another Easter.

While I disliked feeling like I'd forgotten Hailey in the midst of my planning for my brother's visit over the Easter weekend, and I worried about what Easter would actually be like with entertaining family and not having Hailey (would she be completely forgotten and how much would that hurt the hole in my heart?), I'm so thankful that God used the weekend in a surprising way for me. In fact, he really did bless me with a wonderful Easter that made me happy and full of love.

I thought the only way for me to be happy and full of love in that way would have been to have a special way of remembering or including Hailey in our Easter, but, unfortunately, I didn't have a way of doing that and nothing was done to make her a part of what we were doing. (Although back home my mom did place some tulips by her grave).

Instead, as I've mentioned, my Easter weekend was spent with my brother, his wife, and their son, my 2 year old nephew, and instead of that making me sad and miss not having my own daughter (who would have been almost 17 months around with us) and all of the other things that could have gone along with that, the experience was wonderful.

In part I think that's because spending time with family is a rare jewel for some military families like ours. We see our families only a few times a year so any time we spend with them is something to be enjoyed and treasured. Also, since I graduated from college and got married (which involved living a few hours away from home at first and then grew further and further away), my brother has never come to visit us. Any visits with my brother have always been back in IL and with other family. This was the first opportunity we've had to spend together as just brother and sister in long time, and it was nice.

In spending time with my brother, sister-in-law, and especially my ever growing and changing nephew, I realized how much I do miss out on because of not living near them. So just being together and having them at our house was awesome. I loved showing them our new house, post, and Nashville. I loved cooking for them and playing with my nephew. Everything we did this past weekend was quite simply just wonderful.

Here are some of my favorite pics from the weekend -

Rejoice with your family in the beautiful land of life!  ~Albert Einstein

Kisses from my nephew

Aunty & Uncle taking our nephew up the stairs to a big bridge in Nashville

My sister-in-law, me, nephew, and hubby in front of the fountain outside of the Nashville Symphony Center

Uncle Josh showed our nephew "his work" - My brother & nephew in front of a Black Hawk

And so, the weekend wasn't full of missing or forgetting or sadness over Hailey (or any more than usual I suppose). Instead it was full of love from my family and happiness and gratitude over being able to spend quality time with them... because after all, I miss them too when I'm not with them...

Sometimes our hearts get tangled
And our souls a little off-kilter
Friends and family can set us right
And help guide us back to the light.
~Sera Christann

Holidays are hard...

They say "it" gets easier with time; hence, the old saying "time heals all wounds." In my experience with the wounds that are left behind from burying your child, I can say that's both the truth and a lie, and the fact that it's both is a struggle.

The truth of it:

The more time that passes, the less frequent and intense the pain of losing her is. The more time that passes between the agonizing, gut-wrenching, sobbing, empty moments, the more room there is for healing and joy to occur. God lifts me out of the moments when I'm in those pits of grief and allows his healing and gifts and wisdom and so on to be imparted on me.  As the truly hard times become fewer and farther between, I find myself not only experiencing healing and some joy here and there, but also completely immersed in the current happenings of life going on around me (ike moving, developing new friendships, working on Hailey's Hope, family visits, this new pregnancy, and so on). So yes, in this sense, maybe my grief or going on without Hailey is getting "easier" as time goes on.

But it's also a lie:

God and time have healed my wounds, to some extent, and the grief I felt in the initial time of losing her has subsided, for the most part. However, those wounds aren't entirely healed and will never be entirely healed this side of heaven. And while the tears and episodes of grief are less, there are certain aspects of life that are becoming harder. There are too many to list in one post, but the one I am currently dealing with the most right now is that as I continue on with my life without Hailey and as time passes and so on, I feel like she's going further and further away from me. I almost feel like she's disappearing from my life... and I don't want her to.

I know she is in heaven, but I don't want that to mean that who she was here on earth has to disappear or that she can't have a current place in my life. I want who she is to always be a part of me and my life and my family... I always want it to be known that I have a daughter whose name is Hailey... But, like I said, I feel like she's disappearing and like my bond with her is disappearing. Instead of feeling like Hailey's mom, there are many times lately that I feel like we're a young Army couple expecting our first baby. There's no evidence of our first child. A deeper analysis of who we are would eventually tell someone otherwise, but in my day to day activities, I feel like it's hard to keep Hailey with me...

A lot of this "disappearing" feeling is happening because of outward circumstances like the nature of our lives that I mentioned because of our recent move, but it's also happening inside of me... like I'm thinking of her less and less so much so that I'm forgetting her...

Let me try another way of explaining something that I'm beginning to think is perhaps inexplicable.

Lately, it's rare for my thoughts to land on Hailey. Sure I've been keeping plenty busy this week of working on Hailey's Hope, and you'd think that would be enough, that I must be thinking of her while I work on it, but I don't really. I think about the project or task at hand related to Hailey's Hope. I think about the babies and families I'm wanting to help. But am I thinking about my daughter? Not really...

Recently I've been looking forward to my brother and his family coming to visit us this Easter weekend. One of the reasons I'm so excited for the visit is that they have never visited us in our home as a family before. I can't wait to show them our home and to spend time with them because that in itself is so rare! With it being Easter weekend, I've enjoyed planning all the things we're going to do: church on Sunday, cooking an Easter brunch and a traditional Easter dinner, and thinking of all the fun things I can plan to do with my nephew who is two and a half. We have sidewalk chalk and bubbles he can play with. I bought him an Easter basket of goodies teaching him the beginnings of why we celebrate Easter plus the fun stuff like a kite we can fly together. We're going to color Easter eggs and go on an Easter egg hunt. I can't wait to celebrate and do all of these fun Easter activities with my nephew. In a sense, I'm hoping to recreate all of the fun things I remember about my Easters growing up.

So as I was going about my daily activities yesterday with my mind occasionally dreaming of the fun Easter weekend ahead and making sure I have all of the necessary supplies to make it happen, I was taking a break to check Facebook. That's when I stumbled upon a blog post from a fellow baby lost mother about how the holidays are hard and are still hard even though it's been a few years since her daughter passed away. Her post was about how she's going to have two Easter baskets for her kids this year. One for her new son and one for her daughter who passed away. She even detailed what she was putting in her basket for her daughter... bubbles to blow at her grave-site, colorful spring pinwheels to decorate her grave or memorial garden, and so on...

I read the entire post and just sat there, almost in shock, at myself. It felt like it was the first time I'd thought about Hailey and Easter. But it wasn't good.  I'd forgotten about Hailey. I hadn't given a thought to how Hailey could be included in my Easter celebrations.

And then I started to wonder if I was so excited to be planning and doing all of these fun things for my nephew's Easter was because I was replacing her with him... like I was living my dreams of what I would do as Hailey's mom by doing them for my nephew... ? Or even if I wasn't, and I'd be doing this things as his aunt anyway, just thinking about how I can't do them for Hailey was enough to hurt...

In thinking further, I guess I've inadvertently adapted to living without her as though her being in heaven means she can no longer be included in my current life. I never wanted to live like that... but at some point I began to.

And that's when I started to feel like she's really disappearing from my life...

The house she came home to as a newborn and her bedroom are no longer a part of our lives because we moved. Her things are boxed away or put in memory boxes that are kept in closets and our attic. Not having hung all of our pictures from the move, there were only a couple of pictures of her throughout the house. I'd made decorating efforts of having butterflies (our symbol for her) in the yard and inside the house... But they're butterflies and can be thought of only as butterflies and it can be forgotten that they're there to represent her. And the people who met her and knew her are few and far between and are not with us where we currently live. And so, I feel like the "evidence" in our lives that we had a daughter is slowly disappearing as are my thoughts about her...

Not too long ago I wrote a post about wanting a memorial garden for Hailey but my struggles with that... I think that was the beginning of this larger issue I didn't realize I was having.

It's really bothering me lately that we don't live near her grave. Initially, with the whole forgetting about Hailey this Easter, I guess I had thought of her. While out shopping at Walmart for some items for the Easter baskets I've been putting together, I walked by a display of memorial flowers. I saw a pretty one that was in the shape of a cross with purple flowers. I thought to myself that it would be beautiful to put that by Hailey's grave for Easter, and then the realization that I have no way of doing that set in. I thought of buying it and shipping it to someone back home and having them place it there, but gave up on that... even if I could make it work, it wouldn't be the same as me doing it myself and visiting her myself...

More and more I find myself just wanting to go sit by her. On holidays, I want to be able to visit her and decorate her grave. But I can't do those things because we live so far away... And simply put and understated, that makes me sad.

I know some of you reading this might not understand, especially if you believe and know the same as I do, that she is in heaven not needing any of this "stuff." My husband tries to comfort me with these reminders a lot... But really, as much as this is about her, it isn't... It's about me. What about me? I'm her mother, and I'm still here. Even though she's gone, who I am wants to be a mother to her and do motherly things... and if that means decorating her grave on Easter instead of taking her Easter egg hunting because she's gone, that's what it means... But I can't even do that.

And so today has been a reminder of how hard the holidays can be without her and how the "holiday blues" tend to hit fast and hard. They come unexpectedly even though I should learn to expect them. In a way, I welcome the sadness that came with today and these thoughts I just wrote about... only because it makes me really think of her... and sometimes it feels good to miss her like this... it's a reminder of the reality of what she once was/is to me.

However, sometime I hope I learn how to be the mother I want to be to her. Sometime I will write about the memorial garden I made for her, sometime I will write about the time I visited her grave and decorates it for some occasion, sometime I will write about how I thought of this wonderful way of including Hailey in our Easter celebration... Maybe not this year, but sometime... Sometime I'll learn to walk in these shoes of being a babylost mother...

Hailey's Hope Fundraiser Results!

As many of you know, Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas has been holding a fundraiser for the past couple of months in celebration of this month being our project's 1 year anniversary!

For our "Flowers of Hope" fundraiser, Hailey's Hope partnered with Flower Power fundraiser to sell flower bulbs and in turn 50% of all sales would be donated to our project. I set a fundraising goal of $500 and a deadline of April 15th.

With our fundraiser officially ending yesterday, I am so happy to share the results and report that not only did we meet our goal of raising $500, but we surpassed it!



Through our online sales, our supporters donated a total of $448 to us! And through our face-to-face catalog sales (which were made possibly by the help of my husband's family and my best friend), another $67 was donated to us!

Therefore, we raised a total of $515 for Hailey's Hope thanks to the support of all the wonderful people who participated and bought flowers from us!

With the money currently in our account, plus a couple of generous check donations we recently received, AND this money from our fundraiser, I am looking forward to having enough money to put together enough bags for another delivery very soon!

TO EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED AND HELPED MAKE THIS POSSIBLE:

THANK YOU!!! I hope you have fun planting your flower bulbs this spring. When your flowers bloom this summer, may you delight in their beauty and be reminded of the comfort and hope you helped bring to a family who is experiencing the hardship of having their baby in the NICU.

"Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously... for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:6-7

And we love our cheerful givers too!

(Don't forget you can help our project keep going strong and donate to us through PayPal.)

Flowers in Her Memory, My Struggle

“If a rainbow makes a sound, or a flower as it grows, that was the sound of her laughter” (The Shack, p. 154).

I have to say... I'm a bit down today.

I'm having a day of the motherly guilt that only a mother of a deceased baby can have...

The day didn't start out this way.

The day started out full of promises of a good day. An open schedule, blue skies, sunshine. The perfect day for me to begin planning where to plant all the flower bulbs I ordered from our Hailey's Hope fundraiser, which I received in the mail yesterday.

Envisioning where I'd plant the dahlias and peony and what they'd look like at full bloom later this summer was delightful. (Have I mentioned that I am a girl who loves flowers?).

I found special excitement in dreaming up the perfect location for the "Butterfly Flower Mixture" I ordered, which was done so specifically in memory of Hailey.

(One of the reasons I chose to do a flower fundraiser was because I loved the idea of something beautiful blooming in remembrance of her, in having something I'd randomly look at or walk by and immediately think of her, and for all the same reasons bereaved parents create memorial gardens for their deceased children. Not only was I looking forward to having beautiful flowers to look at and think of  my daughter, and maybe even have a way to share her with others, but I was looking forward to having them attract beautiful butterflies, which also remind me of her.)

Then I began to think of how lovely it would be to do my own memorial garden for Hailey in our backyard. That's when things turned downward...

Even though this is the first time we own our home and have our own backyard to do whatever we want with... I can't shake the temporariness of our home. The memorial garden that I would dream of and work long and hard on would only last us as long as our current duty station. In a few years when we have to move, I'd have to leave it... How would I feel leaving Hailey's memorial garden to a stranger who wouldn't understand it and would most likely tear it up? How could I leave another reminder of her?

I would love to have a memorial garden for her that I could plant these flower bulbs in and add beautiful garden decorations of butterflies and stones and what not.... but I want it to be permanent... I don't want it to be temporary. I don't want to have to re-create one in each place we move.

As I was thinking of all this, I also happened to be doing my weekly/ monthly updates of the blogs I started following when we lost Hailey. This made me think of something else that made my downward path complete.

I came across one whose most recent post was about the Cherry Blossom tree they had planted in memory of their daughter whom they lost 3 years ago. They planted the tree soon after she passed away. When they look at the tree, it's 3 years old, as old as their daughter would have been. They have something to forever look at that marks the beginning of their daughter's life and simultaneously their life without her.

I had attempted doing something similar in my own way last summer. Knowing we'd be moving every few years because of the Army, I thought of keeping a potted flowering plant in memory of Hailey. I bought an Azalea, which I wrote about in my post "Pink Azaleas for Hailey." It was beautiful.



The tricky part was choosing to keep it potted instead of planting it and combining that with my lack of a green thumb. Could I keep it alive? Well I did. I was pleasantly surprised that it was making the move with us to Tennessee at the end of January. It didn't look the best, but it had a few green leaves and buds on the ends and in searching online, it was determined that it was still alive and would begin growing more buds and eventually bloom as time continued on...

And somewhere in time, in the midst of moving from AL to TN, the winter, the chaos of our lives that came with our move, the plant began to die. I blame it on my lack of a green thumb, not understanding how much light to give it or where to place it in or out of the house or how much water to give it, etc., but perhaps it was neglect. I should have read more about it, understood how to take care of it better, paid more attention to it, but I didn't...

Only a few weeks ago did I come to accept that Hailey's Azalea plant was dead. And perhaps I am to blame.



Today, I was reminded of that, which is why I feel a heavy sadness over it and a little bit of mother's guilt. I'm sure you can imagine the thoughts that run through my head every time I lay eyes on sad looking thing ... or maybe you can't. It begins a little something like this:

My daughter's dead, and now I've killed the plant that I bought to live on in memory of her.

In killing her remembrance plant, I've killed the hope of having planted something in her memory when she died and cherishing it for years to come... It's just not the same to go out and plant something now. I don't want to look at it in the future and think something like, "Hailey had been gone for 15 months when I planted this in her memory. That was 5 years ago. I want to think, "I planted this when Hailey passed away. That was 5 years ago. It's lived a year for each year she's been gone." Now I can't do that.

But I need to do something, and as I've learned, things don't work out perfectly, so you have to make the most of what you've been given. Perhaps I can tweak my 'dream' a little bit and change it to planting something in her memory every year since she's passed. I don't really know... But I will still plant all of my flower bulbs in our yard here in Tennessee, even if I do have to leave them. At least while I'm here, I can look at them and think of her...

Somehow this feels like another reminder of the frailty of life, the cycle of life and death, that nothing lasts forever (except God's love)... But all I want is a reminder of life, of Hailey, in something blooming and beautiful, that will last here on earth while I'm here...

 

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through. ~Irish Blessing

Today I Rejoice

Because of my experience with Hailey, and her being our first baby, and because that experience entered me into a world I had never given a second thought to, one in which I now have many friends and acquaintances in who have also experienced the tragedy of losing their baby, it's been very difficult for me to feel genuine excitement and hope over this second pregnancy of ours and to share it publicly. To be honest, most of the time that excitement and hope that most expectant moms have is not there for me, but, even when it is, I find myself not being able to share it, almost being afraid of it.

However, today I cannot contain myself.

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving." Psalm 69:30

Without going into much detail, there have been several issues I have been praying about throughout the day every day and that several other people have been praying about with us.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 1 John 5:14

"Until now you have asked for nothing in My name; ask and you will receive, so that your joy may be made full." John 16:24

"Have faith that you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22

Today I experienced evidence that God heard us and answered. Today God gave me good news. Today God gave me reason to be hopeful and joyful. Today God nudged me and told me it's okay to hope for the things I've been hoping for, and it's okay to hope for the things I haven't allowed myself to hope for, like a future with my baby.

Because of losing Hailey, I learned that nothing is guaranteed, that just because you're pregnant and everything seems well, it doesn't mean you're going to go home with a baby... To put a very long story short, my experiences with my first pregnancy (which has given birth to new fears, worries, doubts, etc.) have kept me dreaming of a future with this baby.

I haven't liked talking much about this baby on my blog or even with those in my life because most want to mention our baby in reference to the future, a future I know that is not guaranteed. I've cringed at such comments. I've cringed upon receiving gifts. I haven't even allowed myself to imagine a future with our baby. I haven't allowed myself to imagine a nursery let alone begin the 'fun' of picking out nursery decor or items for our baby boy. I haven't allowed myself to become 'too excited' about my growing belly, the movements I'm feeling, and so on, which is why I haven't talked about them.

Again, to put a very long story short, it's been very difficult to feel excitement and joy and hope over this baby because I've been plagued by loss, pain, fears, worries, and so on. When I do feel excited, I'm afraid to share it as though becoming too excited might provoke another loss or that if something were to go 'wrong' that the pain might be all that more unbearable or even that my excitement over our current pregnancy might hurt another mother who is or has experienced a loss or pregnancy-related trial...

It's been hard for me to rejoice in the 'good' because I know God calls me to rejoice in him no matter what,

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thess. 5:18

and in fact, I've learned to rejoice in the 'hard' times more than in the 'good' times... I've felt scared to rejoice in something I view as 'good' news as though I'm being selfish or wrong or losing my eternal perspective...

But today, today my heart rejoices, and I know I need to share it. I know it's okay to share it.

Today I'm happy over 'good' news, and it's a happiness that I feel God has given me. I feel Him telling me it's okay to want good news and feel happy about good news - it doesn't mean I'm losing my eternal perspective or forgetting what true joy is...

Today I delight over my baby boy with more confidence and less fear. Today I realize that the reality I dream of might come true, that God might give me a baby who is born healthy. Moreover, today I realize it's okay to hope for that and believe that.

Today, for the first time, I am allowing myself to take down my walls and allowing myself to dream of a future with my son. Today, for the first time, I can walk into the room that is set aside for him upstairs and imagine him there with us. Today, for the first time, I can allow myself to start to look at, and maybe even purchase, items for our baby boy. Today, for the first time, I can dream of what I want his nursery to look like. Today, for the first time, I can tell you how beautiful he looks on the sonogram screen, how I started feeling him move about a month ago in my 19th week, and how today, for the first time at 23 weeks, I could feel him move on the outside of my belly.

Today, for the first time with this pregnancy, I feel free and safe to hope and dream, and I praise God for His faithfulness, healing, answered prayers, the amazing work he is already doing in our son's life, and in ours.

But even as I write this, I know a seed of doubt remains in me because the reality of something going wrong is still there, and so I ask that you continue to uplift us and our son in prayer.  Praying that this seed of doubt that remains does not give life to more doubt or fear. Praying that it's in God's will to make these hopes and dreams of ours, of giving birth to and bringing home a son who is healthy, come true.

Thank you

Psalm 68

³² Sing to God, you kingdoms of the earth,
sing praise to the Lord,
³³ to him who rides across the highest heavens, the ancient heavens,
who thunders with mighty voice.
³⁴ Proclaim the power of God,
whose majesty is over Israel,
whose power is in the heavens.
³⁵ You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary;
the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people.

Praise be to God!

Army Life Update

I know it's been awhile since my last post. This time the brief hiatus was due to hosting and entertaining many family visitors in the past week and a half. The primary reason for so many visitors (8 in total) around the same time was because everyone wanted to spend time with Josh before he deployed. While having so many people temporarily 'living' with us (9 including us plus our dog at one time in our 3 bedroom house) was a bit overwhelming at times, spending time with family and having family come to us was a real treat! Some of the highlights included having our deck built, Josh's grandma helping me learn to use my new sewing machine, giving our visitors tours of the area, and home cooked meals.

Last week, after most of our visitors had left and while my mom was in the middle of her stay, I received a text message from my husband with the final answer that we had been waiting to hear for the past 3 months. You see, since my husband received orders back in December-ish for Fort Campbell, where my husband was going and when has remained up in the air. At first he wasn't going to be deploying, then he was, then he wasn't, then he was. Last I knew and reported on the blog, he was deploying. Then we learned there was only 1 slot available and 2 people available and planning on filling it, Josh being one of them. Therefore, this meant waiting to hear back about which one of them was going to be chosen for the slot to deploy. While waiting, Josh remained on pre-deployment training. When we were almost 2 weeks from him possibly leaving for a year, I finally got the news...

Josh will not be deploying anymore. Instead, he will be switching units and is likely to deploy Fall 2012 (but we all know how that can change!).

I cannot begin to describe how relieved I was to have an answer regarding our future. Most people think I was relieved because my husband isn't deploying so soon anymore, but really, I was most relieved just to know something. Mentally and emotionally I had prepared myself and was in the mindset that my husband was going to be deploying for a year and leaving this month. We had thought maybe a quicker deployment would be best for his career and our family, and so we were good with that decision and ready for it, but God had other plans, and we are good with the plans he has for us.... I just wish it hadn't involved so much uncertainty, waiting, and patience.

So my husband and I will remain together for now until the Army decides to call him away from home for real next time. I'm thankful to have him by my side as we start our journey together at Fort Campbell.