Three.
Immediately my mind tries to correlate the number to the picture of the age, three. I try to imagine my daughter at three years old. What would she look like? What would it be like to have a three year old little girl running around with her little brother Isaac?
And I can't imagine. I can't picture it. Nothing. Maybe that's because it didn't happen, because it's not my reality, because she was never meant to be three years old here....
I try to think of three year old girls I know to try to get some sort of glimpse at what Hailey could have been like... But it doesn't help any. She is forever 36 days old here. Forever my baby here.
So when those thoughts bring no results and leave my desires to think of her in that way remain unsatisfied, my mind imagines her in the present. In heaven. And thankfully God always allows me to imagine something, and it temporarily brings comfort and fills empty places.
Yesterday in my imagination she was a little girl, maybe 6 or 7, smiling and dancing in fields of long grass with tiny purple butterflies floating all around in an ethereal sort of way, the sunlight a warm yellow... I can never imagine details of her face but the thoughts and pictures are enough.
I don't know if God blesses me with them or it's just my own doing, but I like to think it's a little glimpse from him, like a tiny treasure of a gift for me, a glimpse of what awaits. A reminder that she is whole and perfect now.
Regardless of that truth, the pain and ache of her absence remains real and present every single day. I don't write about her often. I don't speak about her as often anymore either. But the void created when she left our family is felt every day.
As time passes, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to share her with others. Being in the Army and living a lifestyle that changes so much, I'm frequently in situations with new people and people I don't know. I've learned wearing my heart on my sleeve and being so quick and open, leaves my heart easily hurt. When I share about her it's like I give a special piece of my heart and soul away, and I've learned not everyone is worthy of receiving that. They all don't really care. Awkward moments are created. Sometimes words are spoken that are most of the time unintentionally hurtful. And so I don't share as openly about her anymore. She's too special for just anyone to hear about.
I now awkwardly answer questions about how many kids I have. Sometimes I say one, referring to Isaac, but I always walk away feeling wrong that I spoke the untruth. Sometimes I say two, but give nonverbal cues that i don't want to share more or quickly change the subject.
To people I know, I still let them in. I still love when her name is mentioned or i can share about her. I know they will take care of her and me when I do. It brings me healing to remember. And it helps me keep her alive in my memory. Now as time and life continue to move away from the time she was with us, it seems that really only happens on certain days of the year, her birthday, the anniversary of her death, pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and anytime I do something with Hailey's Hope.
To celebrate her birthday we do an annual delivery in her honor from the nonprofit we started in her memory, Hailey's Hope; for her birthdays we donate care packages for NICU babies and their parents to the NICU in Alabama where she stayed. I hope to do this every birthday of hers for as long as we can. We donate NICU care packages to other local hospitals throughout the year as well, but this one is always special and always to her hospital. This year we were able to collect enough donations to donate 50 long term NICU care packages.
Yesterday was my 3rd delivery on her birthday, it was Hailey's little brother Isaac's 2nd time coming with for her birthday delivery, and it was Hailey's Grandma Vanderlip's 1st birthday delivery. We all wore our Hailey's Hopent-shirts, even Isaac who was just precious in his. It took us 3.5 hrs driving each way. We were gone from 7am to 4pm with all of our stops. Isaac (15 months old) did really good for the trip which was my biggest concern and prayer answered (he has a history of being a bad traveler). Having him so well behaved and happy definitely brought needed joy to the day. It was sunny and warm. The day was really beautiful in all ways for me.
We made our first stop at the welcome rest stop in AL with the space shuttle. Isaac was so happy to get out of the car and run around. He loved the leaves everywhere, the flags, and seeing the trucks drive by on the highway. It was time for lunch when we arrived by the hospital. We ate at Moe's which was perfect for all our diets and I love anyway. It was Isaac's first time in a restaurant in about 4 months maybe... Since he started walking he doesn't do we'll confined to a high chair... And yesterday wasn't too different. He lasted a few bites and then wanted out so he sat and stood and even danced next to me in the booth for the rest of lunch. After lunch it was time to go to the hospital.
When I see the hospital, waves of memories and old emotions and feelings always sweep over me. Me being the nonpublic crier held back my tears as we drove near the hospital. Otherwise I felt comforted most of the day. Being back made everything feel so long ago; it was the first time feeling that way for me. To be honest I hate how that feels.
As usual the delivery itself only takes a few minutes. We pull up, unload our bags in the lobby, fill out some forms, take a few quick pictures to commemorate the event, and it's over, at least our part. Hospital policy keeps us from doing anymore which is fine. I just hope and pray the families receive our bags when they arrive and that upon receiving them they feel a little joy, comfort, and relief...
Then we drove home... Isaac took a short nap. We made a rest stop for a diaper change and break halfway home. Isaac was very entertained by a Christmas tree in the gas station. He was so cute. He really made me proud yesterday, and every day, but he behaved well and listened well.
I arrived home to beautiful flowers left for me by my husband who couldn't be with us today because he is in Afghanistan.
And that was Hailey's birthday...
(Love and miss you forever little munchkin. Can't wait to hold you again.)
