Busy and Blessed

Wow, this week has been a busy week! (I'm sort of glad I have yet to receive  a phone call to substitute because I'm not sure I would have had time to this week!)

I am so thankful for the busyness of this week because most of it involved Hailey's Hope and all of the amazing things we have going on!

This week our mailbox was overflowing with mail for Hailey's Hope, and it seemed like every day packages awaited us at our doorstep. I spent a lot of time receiving donations, updating and organizing our inventory, and writing thank you cards. We received donations from friends and strangers and started to receive some of the items purchased with our portion of the Pepsi Refresh grant.

This week my Project Sweet Peas inbox was also full of emails from people expressing their sympathies for our loss and their encouragement of our project as well as from people asking what we need and where they can send their donations. I enjoyed every minute of reading and responding to those much appreciated emails, many from old friends and strangers.

And of course, I devoted quite a few hours to creating coin collection jars for Hailey's Hope and then going to local businesses asking if they would be willing to set them out by their registers for us.  This was my first attempt at reaching out to the local community for support (it was a little nerve-racking!), and I'm so thankful for the 7 businesses who so kindly agreed to do this for us. I will collect the jars at the end of October and hopefully they will be full of donations for us!

I've also been working on some smaller items of business for Hailey's Hope & Project Sweet Peas, but I won't get into all the minor details - you get the idea.

This week's busyness has come as such as blessing, and the outpouring of donations and support this week has been AMAZING! I can't wait to get our bags into the hands of the families who so greatly need them!

To everyone who has shown their support to us this week:

"...May the Lord reward you for your kindness..." Ruth 1:8

Hailey's Hope ~2 Months to Deadline

I am so thrilled with all of the wonderful things happening for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas!

For instance, yesterday we received our largest donation yet!

I drove to meet some members of my best friend's family so that they could drop off a huge delivery to us. They had been talking with me for some time about all they were doing and warned me that they had several boxes to give to me. But even after all of that, I was  still stunned as we loaded 6 boxes of items into my car! When I arrived home and unloaded the boxes from my car, I of course immediately opened them and peeked at all the items! I definitely was like a kid on Christmas morning.

Here are the boxes of items:



This afternoon I spent a couple of hours unpacking and inventorying their donations. They gathered and donated over 200 items to us! Can you believe it?!

I am in awe of their support and generosity. It truly warms my heart and soul. So many families are going to be blessed by what they've done and given. For lack of a better word, because I'm still somewhat speechless about it all, it's amazing.

As I mentioned, I updated our inventory list today for what items we have for our basic bags and angel boxes so I can see what we still need to reach our goal of 50 basic NICU bags and 10 angel boxes for our delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st, 2010.

The deadline for donating items is mid-November (so that I have enough time to put together the bags); this means we are a little less than 2 months away from that deadline and a little over 2 months away from our delivery.

So here is where we are today with our inventory and what we need:

We do not need anymore of the following items: clothing, picture frames/ photo albums, cameras, and pens. (Of course if you've already planned on donating these items please do; we will either use them to surpass our delivery goal or use them next time).

We are close to reaching our goal for the following items: stuffed animals, notebooks, kleenex packs, and baby hats.

Items we still need a significant amount of: baby blankets, baby/children's books, baby socks, baby brushes, hand/foot print or mold kits, birth record pillows, puzzle books

Priority items that we really, really need: scratch mittens and toiletry items (toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, soap, shaving items, chapstick, etc.)

Thanks to those who have donated to us so far for our 2nd round of deliveries!

If you haven't donated anything yet but are planning on it, I hope these lists will help you with ideas for what you can give.

To see pictures that show the progress of gathering donations for our 2nd delivery you can view the album on our Facebook page.

Through my looking glass...

This weekend I reached what I think of as a milestone in my healing.

One of the greatest sources of grief for me has been being around pregnant women and women with their babies. The reason being that my grief has made me use them as a looking glass. I compare myself to them. I look into the looking glass grief has given me...

They are a mirror, and I stand in front of it viewing my life and theirs.

I look in the mirror and see everything I want but don't have.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their innocence, naivete, and joy as they prepare to or welcome their baby into the world, and I see myself lacking all of that, broken, tarnished.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their babies, chubby, healthy, and perfect, and I see Hailey, thin, sick, with a nasal cannula.

I look at them, jealous and envious of the worries, stresses, and sorrows they don't have and can't imagine, and I see my pain and grief that have been etched into my soul like scars.

I look at them and see what could have been me and Hailey, but isn't. We are the opposite of what they are.

If they are blessed, does that make me cursed? Of course not... but I think it...

What they have is what my void is, which is why being around them or seeing them or hearing about them has been known to trigger my deep pain and sorrow.

Someone recently asked me to explain more about why certain women and babies trigger this in me while others don't. I've tried to understand it myself, and this is what I've learned...

When I first had and lost Hailey, it was any mother-to-be or any mother and her baby (from newborn to a year old) - whether I knew them personally, knew them as an acquaintance, or as a complete stranger in a store - that made the pain worse. Then within a little time,  strangers' babies didn't hurt so much, and the real source of pain came from any mother-to-be or new mother with babies (from new born to around a year old) who were a part of my life in some way or another. Gradually over time the moms with older babies and women who were just learning of being pregnant became easier to be around. But still, any woman I've known who has given birth since Hailey died has been difficult for me to be around, her and her baby. Then it became easier to be around the ones who had boys and not girls. New baby girls have been the hardest. Why the difficulties, why the progression? It goes back to what I wrote above. It's my comparing. The haunting questions of "Why?" - why did God give them a healthy baby and why did mine have to die?

Until this week...

This milestone of mine happened when my husband and I went to dinner at our friends' house. They had a baby girl in August. And because of my grief and everything I've just mentioned, I've avoided them. (It's been nothing personal to these friends, and it's never been anything personal towards any of the women and babies). But thanks to our friends' initiative, it was time for us to get together as friends again, and it was time for me to face what I'd been avoiding.

I'm thankful I took this step, which did require some faith and courage. I'm thankful that none of my fears came true and that for the first time in a very long time I was able to be around a new baby girl and a new mom without feeling the ache of holding back tears, without sorrow, without jealousy, without anything negative plaguing me.  Of course I thought of Hailey, of course I missed Hailey - but it's that way every day, and it's that kind of grief I can handle. I was able to genuinely smile and be happy when I saw them. I was okay for the first time with what they have and with what I have; there's no more comparing.

This week I proved to myself that I am healing and coming to a better, healthier place in my life with my grief. Nothing other than time, prayer, and God can be attributed to this milestone I've reached. For me, it's taken over 8 months to reach this point of healing, and I'm so thankful it's finally come. I'm happy to have conquered my jealousy and envy that were eating away at me; it feels soooo good and freeing as another burden I've carried has been released. I'm happy to not let my fears and grief stand in the way of good things anymore, like friendship.

It's my hope that the mirrors I've created to view myself in light of the haves and have nots with others have been shattered and no longer exist to hold me captive and distort how I see myself.

My Face of Loss

A few days ago I discovered a wonderful organization called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Their purpose is "putting a face on on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss." It is so awesome and so needed. I think it's wonderful that they are helping to put a face on something that has affected so many women and families, something that is often seen as a taboo subject, something that much of society likes to ignore and pretend doesn't exist because it's painful to acknowledge...

In my experience, no one talks about their miscarriages or the losses of their babies. Only after losing Hailey have women, family and friends, bravely stepped out of the shadows and confided in me about their losses.

Before I became the face of infant loss, a part of me (that I'm ashamed to admit) believed that miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss only happened to people who are older, unhealthy, had a family history of problems, had problems conceiving, and so on. But my loss, and as I have entered the community of babylost mothers and have encountered others who have faced the loss of a baby, has made me aware that miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss can and do happen to anyone - even to people who are young, healthy, have no history of any problems, and have no reason to expect it, like us.

I know that death is difficult. I know that the death of a baby is perhaps the most difficult of losses. I know that it's hard to talk about. I know that people don't know what to say. I know that it's painful. I know it can be awkward. I know it causes people to feel helpless. I know people handle grief differently. It seems that people, both who have personally experienced the loss and people who have witnessed someone else going through a loss, sometimes would much rather give a brief acknowledgment of a loss and then sweep it under the carpet and continue on with life. They ignore. Forget. Bury somewhere deep inside. Because it's 'easier.' Grief and tragedy are uncomfortable, difficult. It's more comfortable to be happy, pretend like nothing happened, it's no big deal, try to forget or lock it in a corner of your mind, and move on.

And I'm not judging anyone who has done this because, like I already said, people handle grief and tragedies differently. But, I do want to share my personal feelings on the subject. I do believe that every life, whether 4 weeks gestation or 36 days old, deserves to be remembered, honored, shared about, and not kept hidden inside of someone. I don't believe someone can experience healing until they face the pain. I know first hand enormous difficulty involved in facing the pain. It's hard. It takes courage. It can't be done alone.

So in an attempt to overcome the stigma and misconceptions associated with the loss of a baby, I shared Hailey's story with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They posted the story yesterday, Wednesday, Sept. 15. You can see our story and my 'face of loss' featured on their website here.

What I love most about their organization is the Faces of Hope part where they feature stories of parents who have turned their grief into something positive and look at how someone found something good through their loss.  Stories of Hope are shared on Thursdays. I will let you know when my story of hope gets posted (it should be in a few weeks).

It's my prayer and hope by sharing my face of loss to help remind other women they aren't alone and to break the chains of silence on infant loss so that others can find healing and hope in their own unique grief journeys. But really, I'm most excited to share my story of hope to encourage, inspire, uplift, and bring hope to others...

**Thank you for what you do Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, and thank you for sharing my story.**

~

Coincidentally (or not?), one of the blogs I subscribe to posted a post today that touches a little on this broad topic of how we tend to look away from suffering instead of looking it face on. It's a post called "Looking Suffering In The Face" by Max Lucado.