Hailey's Christmas Presents ~ Random Acts

This Christmas I wanted a new tradition to remember Hailey and keep her a part of our family and day. A couple of months ago I shared a blog post requesting friends and family members to help us make this a new tradition by committing random acts of love or kindness in her memory, writing down the act, and sharing it with us via email or note in the mail. These notes were then put in her pink Christmas stocking that hangs along with the rest of ours and opened and read on Christmas morning.

I am thankful that we had a few friends and family members partake in this with us. I cannot express how filling it was to not have her stocking hang empty and have her be a part of Christmas with us.

Here are some of the random acts of love or kindness people shared with us about:

~Brought hair stylist lunch
~Left waiter large tip
~Donated bones to local animal shelter
~Services in exchange for donation to Hailey's Hope
~Donation of new windshield wiper blades to someone in need
~Paid for person's lunch behind them at drive thru
~Provided a ride to someone in need

Isaac and I also committed some random acts of kindness for Hailey.

While waiting in line to return an item to Walmart, I noticed a Christmas tree full of paper cards that listed various names from a nursing home along with items they were requesting for Christmas. I immediately noticed one for "Donald" and knew I needed to fulfill his Christmas wish list, which were a humble request of socks and slippers.

I also was inspired by another project (the name of the project is slipping me right now of course)... to leave little notes of love and encouragement for strangers in random places. I wrote 10 notes of just that, love and encouragement and Isaac and I slipped them in random places while doing shopping one day with the prayer that they would bring at the very least a momentary smile to the recipients.

I am looking forward to keeping this a tradition in the years to come.

Hailey's 3rd Birthday

Yesterday was December 1st. Our daughter Hailey would have turned 3 years old. Every time I write or speak that out loud I can hardly believe it.

Three.

Immediately my mind tries to correlate the number to the picture of the age, three. I try to imagine my daughter at three years old. What would she look like? What would it be like to have a three year old little girl running around with her little brother Isaac?

And I can't imagine. I can't picture it. Nothing. Maybe that's because it didn't happen, because it's not my reality, because she was never meant to be three years old here....

I try to think of three year old girls I know to try to get some sort of glimpse at what Hailey could have been like... But it doesn't help any. She is forever 36 days old here. Forever my baby here.

So when those thoughts bring no results and leave my desires to think of her in that way remain unsatisfied, my mind imagines her in the present. In heaven. And thankfully God always allows me to imagine something, and it temporarily brings comfort and fills empty places.

Yesterday in my imagination she was a little girl, maybe 6 or 7, smiling and dancing in fields of long grass with tiny purple butterflies floating all around in an ethereal sort of way, the sunlight a warm yellow... I can never imagine details of her face but the thoughts and pictures are enough.

I don't know if God blesses me with them or it's just my own doing, but I like to think it's a little glimpse from him, like a tiny treasure of a gift for me, a glimpse of what awaits. A reminder that she is whole and perfect now.

Regardless of that truth, the pain and ache of her absence remains real and present every single day. I don't write about her often. I don't speak about her as often anymore either. But the void created when she left our family is felt every day.

As time passes, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to share her with others. Being in the Army and living a lifestyle that changes so much, I'm frequently in situations with new people and people I don't know. I've learned wearing my heart on my sleeve and being so quick and open, leaves my heart easily hurt. When I share about her it's like I give a special piece of my heart and soul away, and I've learned not everyone is worthy of receiving that. They all don't really care. Awkward moments are created. Sometimes words are spoken that are most of the time unintentionally hurtful. And so I don't share as openly about her anymore. She's too special for just anyone to hear about.

I now awkwardly answer questions about how many kids I have. Sometimes I say one, referring to Isaac, but I always walk away feeling wrong that I spoke the untruth. Sometimes I say two, but give nonverbal cues that i don't want to share more or quickly change the subject.

To people I know, I still let them in. I still love when her name is mentioned or i can share about her. I know they will take care of her and me when I do. It brings me healing to remember. And it helps me keep her alive in my memory. Now as time and life continue to move away from the time she was with us, it seems that really only happens on certain days of the year, her birthday, the anniversary of her death, pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and anytime I do something with Hailey's Hope.

To celebrate her birthday we do an annual delivery in her honor from the nonprofit we started in her memory, Hailey's Hope; for her birthdays we donate care packages for NICU babies and their parents to the NICU in Alabama where she stayed. I hope to do this every birthday of hers for as long as we can. We donate NICU care packages to other local hospitals throughout the year as well, but this one is always special and always to her hospital. This year we were able to collect enough donations to donate 50 long term NICU care packages.

Yesterday was my 3rd delivery on her birthday, it was Hailey's little brother Isaac's 2nd time coming with for her birthday delivery, and it was Hailey's Grandma Vanderlip's 1st birthday delivery. We all wore our Hailey's Hopent-shirts, even Isaac who was just precious in his. It took us 3.5 hrs driving each way. We were gone from 7am to 4pm with all of our stops. Isaac (15 months old) did really good for the trip which was my biggest concern and prayer answered (he has a history of being a bad traveler). Having him so well behaved and happy definitely brought needed joy to the day. It was sunny and warm. The day was really beautiful in all ways for me.

We made our first stop at the welcome rest stop in AL with the space shuttle. Isaac was so happy to get out of the car and run around. He loved the leaves everywhere, the flags, and seeing the trucks drive by on the highway. It was time for lunch when we arrived by the hospital. We ate at Moe's which was perfect for all our diets and I love anyway. It was Isaac's first time in a restaurant in about 4 months maybe... Since he started walking he doesn't do we'll confined to a high chair... And yesterday wasn't too different. He lasted a few bites and then wanted out so he sat and stood and even danced next to me in the booth for the rest of lunch. After lunch it was time to go to the hospital.

When I see the hospital, waves of memories and old emotions and feelings always sweep over me. Me being the nonpublic crier held back my tears as we drove near the hospital. Otherwise I felt comforted most of the day. Being back made everything feel so long ago; it was the first time feeling that way for me. To be honest I hate how that feels.

As usual the delivery itself only takes a few minutes. We pull up, unload our bags in the lobby, fill out some forms, take a few quick pictures to commemorate the event, and it's over, at least our part. Hospital policy keeps us from doing anymore which is fine. I just hope and pray the families receive our bags when they arrive and that upon receiving them they feel a little joy, comfort, and relief...

Then we drove home... Isaac took a short nap. We made a rest stop for a diaper change and break halfway home. Isaac was very entertained by a Christmas tree in the gas station. He was so cute. He really made me proud yesterday, and every day, but he behaved well and listened well.

I arrived home to beautiful flowers left for me by my husband who couldn't be with us today because he is in Afghanistan.

And that was Hailey's birthday...

(Love and miss you forever little munchkin. Can't wait to hold you again.)

She made me a better mom

Haven't written in awhile... Again just haven't found the time with the little man and other responsibilities keeping me busy. But somehow I have found 30 min to myself tonight while everyone in my house is passed out sleeping. I'm writing on my iPhone so please pardon the typos and grammatical errors ...

Hailey has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm kind of glad. I hate when I go through stages where it feels that life has forgotten all about her.

Hailey has been on my mind more lately because of Isaac. I'm starting to realize how much Hailey has impacted who I am as a mom and how that is in turn going to impact Isaac.

You see I suffer from separation anxiety with Isaac, more than normal I suppose. We are apart a few times a week and he does spend time in a nursery once or twice a week. We use babysitters when needed. I can do it, but I hate it. It's very difficult for me. I know he needs it, and I need it, and he is fine because I make sure he is left in loving hands as much as possible. But still, I would prefer to never leave him if I had my way. I tend to only trust myself and would prefer to be the only one caring for him most times because I don't think anyone will care for him out of love like I do. He deserves love and attention in my mind. And It's not just the separation issue. Well maybe it is... Giving birth naturally to him, having that precious skin to skin bonding time that just lingered with no rush following his birth, breastfeeding him for 9 months almost, being able to stay at home with him.... I'm so attached and bonded. I struggled and still do sometimes with other things like people giving him a bottle. I treasure my nursing him to bed time and have yet to leave him with someone other than his dad or grandma to give him his bath and put him to bed. I still nurse him if he wakes up in the middle of the night not just because I think he's hungry but more so now because I don't mind it. I treasure the shared intimate moment with him.

I'm also a little overprotective and over cautious with things. Like his food which I know I need to be considering his intolerances to my milk and likelihood he has food allergies as he starts to eat more food...

All of this rambling to say ... I know everyone under the sun has an opinion about everything regarding caring for a baby and I've felt pressure from various sources that how I mother / parent is wrong, etc. and I just need to say, I'm not wrong. I am mothering how I want to. Sure I do things wrong and make mistakes and learn from them like any other parent, that's not what I'm talking about...

I parent the way I do because of Hailey. Because I already had and lost one child. Because it has made me love Isaac in a way I couldn't have loved him without losing her. I treasure moments, I love him intensely, I shower affection on him, I soothe him when he cries (another thing people might say something against.)

I love him differently than I love Hailey. And if Hailey were alive I wouldn't love them the same as i love isaac now. I wouldn't love as much. I wouldn't treasure things as I do now. And more...

I wonder if other parents who have had to bury their first baby and go on to have a healthy one parent differently because of that.... I would think they'd have to.

I am the way I am because of Hailey. Whether its good or bad or a mixture of both I will figure out as I go. But for now let me be attached to my baby, let me love him and hold onto him extra tight for now. If you lost a child then maybe you'd have some sympathy or empathy and not be so quick to judge. And don't worry, I will and am having to start disciplining as needed because there is love in that... As far as everything else - let me love on my boy, let me spoil him in love, let me make him happy (and no that doesn't mean giving him everything he wants)... I can still say no. I did quite a few times today. ;)

My only struggle i confess to right now is to love Isaac as I do but not make him an idol in my life.

But really, in a way, to wrap up this late night rambling, this is one of those good things I believe has come from Hailey's life and death, she has made me a better mother, not perfect by any means, but better than I would have been without going through what I have.

Trisomy 18 Awareness Day

(Well I had hopes to have more time to write today's post but I didn't. So this is actually my first 'test' post using my iPhone app. )

I first learned of Trisomy 18 in one of my high school science classes. It was lumped together with the other two common trisomies, 13 and 21. And of course in any mention of the three trisomies 13 and 18 are quickly passed over as usually being fatal and less common with emphasis being placed on 21 because it is most common and known, because it is Down Syndrome.

Little did I know that about 10 years later I would have a child with Trisomy 18. Naively I thought that healthy young couples don't have to worry about their children having one of the trisomies. I thought that was what happened to unhealthy or older couples (terribly naive and I am embarrassed to admit). But as I learned in December 2009, anyone can have a Trisomy 18 baby, including me.

We were 'lucky' to give birth to Hailey and blessed to have the time we did with her. Many Trisomy 18 babies die in utero or during birth and if not then within the first year. I hate that the phrase used is that they are "incompatible" with life...

It was difficult to make decisions for Hailey's care once we learned she had Trisomy 18 and we never knew when her last breath might be.... One of our greatest struggles we face today is of we did enough... What if we had chosen this surgery or that procedure and so on instead of opting for no medical interventions... She wouldn't still be alive, unless it were a medical miracle... But could she have lived longer? And when did we stop believing in miracles?

But without going further... Today is Trisomy 18 Awareness day... All I can do is share about it and Hailey... For more of my posts on Trisomy 18 look them up under their label on the left menu.

Isaac, You Make My Heart Smile

(Haven't done this in a loooong time... back to back posts)

In the midst of a diaper change and removing your clean clothes from the dryer, I stop and look at you. Standing in the hallway, I peer through the doorway of your room, and my heart fills as I watch you play on the floor. You can't see me, but I watch you push your tiny body high up off the ground with your skinny little arms and lower yourself back down again. I watch your tiny hands and fingers explore the blanket and carpet and your head as you watch yourself too as you explore your world. I must have made a noise because you turn and look back at me. For a moment we lock eyes and within an instant we're both smiling at each other. You turn back to whatever it was that had your attention before you saw me. Before I go back to my business with the laundry, I continue to stand there, taking in the moment. To see you playing in your room by yourself, in your room that I was once so fearful would never be your home, in a room that once was empty but full of dreams... to see those dreams of mine fulfilled and cherish them coming true in this moment... My heart sighs... All of me smiles... My love for your pulsates through me, warms me, energizes me, makes me feel like I'm leaking joy. And I love it. I love this moment. I love all of these moments. I love you. And I'm so thankful for it all.

I love being your mom. And I'm so thankful for it.

The other day while you were fast asleep in bed for the night, I was moving about our bedroom, picking up and putting away random things from the day, and there was your sock. I never knew the sight of a little sock, out of place, "adding to the mess" in our room, would bring me such delight, would make me feel so much love. It's amazing. That little sock made me so happy. It was one of your white and navy Hanes socks. I'm so thankful to have a little boy who wears that little sock on his little foot. I'm so thankful to be his mommy, to be your mommy.

Some might tell you that your mommy is a perfectionist, and your mommy would tell you that they are probably right. To me everything has a place; I like order, I like cleanliness, I like perfection. But of course, when a child enters the picture, there isn't always order and perfection, a lot of time there's dirt and chaos, especially with little boys I hear... But I love it. I love that my once "picture perfect," clean living room now has your toys all over the place.

It's funny how writing this about such "trivial" things makes me tear up right now...

I love these things and these things bring me so much joy and make me feel so much love because they are evidence that a little boy lives in this home and is loved here. Present tense, lives... My dream come true in you.

There was a time when there was "evidence" of your sister all over our house. I didn't take as much time then to appreciate it all, but after she was gone, I missed all the dirty bottles filling the sink. I hated her mark on our world having to be put away, stored, taken out of our home. She was gone and so was most evidence of her. It emptied mommy's heart.

So when I see everything in our home that says a little boy lives here and is loved here... that makes me happier than you can ever imagine.

A dirty sock, a bib with spit up, toys all over the floor... well my little boy, they make your mommy's heart smile. Now of course, if you ever read this, do not interpret this as my saying it's okay to leave messes for mommy to clean up, it's not. But know I love you, every part of you, and everything that comes along with taking care of you.

One last thing...

Lately this week you've been wanting to cuddle a lot, and it's been amazing. You let mommy hold you in my lap as we both just sit there and relax while mommy gives you kisses on your head and you suck on your fingers. I love those quiet, peaceful, close moments. And today, for the second time this week, when you've been tired and mommy's just about to carry you upstairs for your nap and I hold you against my chest, you've rested your head on my shoulder... Little boy, there is not much better than feeling your love like that... I hope you never grow to old to let your mommy give you kisses or to give your momma hugs.

And as if I haven't said it enough, I love your smiles and laughs and when we smile and laugh together - and finally in the past week or so you're really starting to laugh. I love it.

I love you. I thank God for you every day.

(Time for me to go, you're trying to wake up early from your nap again... )

Two Years Ago...

Two years ago...

It seems like a lifetime ago now.  Yet, when I think back, the memories and emotions are as fresh as ever. It hurts to think back. I think I may be to the point in my grief journey where I'm not wanting to look back as much to avoid the hurt. Two years later, and now I'm starting to understand why some people who have buried their children don't like to talk about them. I'm much more selective now with who I openly tell that I had a daughter who died two years ago. I'm not only more selective about who I say it to, but as well as what I say and how much I share. That's not to say I don't like Hailey being mentioned, I do, but it's different when my friends and family talk to me about her than when I'm carefully unraveling this tragic part of my past over and over again in new settings. I no longer offer details and explanations without being prompted. If someone new asks about my family, I do remain honest, but vaguely so. Sometimes in the situation it's appropriate for me to simply share I have two children or that Isaac is my second baby. In those situations, I don't even mention one of my children is alive and the other is dead. (I just cringed as I wrote that... I hate how that sounds... so harsh... but it's the truth). In other situations, I peel back another layer and do share that I had a daughter who passed away, but I leave it at that. It always creates the "awkward" moment where no one knows what to say or do. I don't offer up any more details unless someone asks, which I don't mind sharing, but only if I know they have an interest. I've shared one too many times probably too many details where I can tell the person I'm speaking too is getting more than they bargained for, or they didn't want to know, or it's too much and they get a glazed over look on their face where they try to act interested but aren't. In the past two years, I learned that sometimes wearing my heart on my sleeve and being an open book means I share way too much and that can be a bad thing, a painful thing. So I've stopped "spewing" out the deepest most personal things about myself, realizing it's okay to keep some things to myself and just between family or close friends... or on my blog....

On a somewhat related side note, when someone hears that a baby or a child died, the first thing they want to know is why/ how... and often times that's the next question asked... which is logical and fine and comes from caring hearts most of the time... but if you ever find yourself in the situation, the "best" question to ask first, is "what was your baby's name?" ... I love getting that question. My heart always smiles when I reply, "Her name was Hailey."

Anyway, in keeping with the "themes" of these posts on the anniversary of her passing or as I sometimes refer to it as her "heavenly birthday," I'll continue sharing about where I am on my grief journey two years later, I have to say that my second year without her has been hard, perhaps as hard as the first in its own respects. Imagine my first year of grief as me in the bottom of a very deep and dark pit. Imagine my second year as climbing out of that very deep and dark pit...  sometimes I can't see where I'm going, but all I know is I have to climb up and climbing sure is hard and tiring and sometimes I slip and fall and start all over.

"She's" less present in my day to day life and less present in my mind. Especially since Isaac, my mind is often occupied with the here and now and what's demanding my attention that's right in front of me, which is fine, but of course, is why Hailey has slid further and further into the back of my mind. But when I say that, know that I still think of her every single day, but it's not the same. And remembering is hard, so sometimes I avoid being still and taking time to remember because I don't want the pain of the inadequacy of my memory. I don't know what I'd do without my pictures and videos of her... perhaps that's why I'm so obsessed with capturing every moment of Isaac's life... If it weren't for those images, I don't know what I'd do. It's difficult to sit here right now and picture Hailey in my mind in a "real" way and not just imagine how she looked in a picture I recently looked at of her. I can no longer remember her sounds or cries. I can no longer remember how it felt to hold her... that one might be the hardest. That memory was one that was so vivid and so comforting to have... because when I miss holding her, I had that memory of her weight and the way it felt which filled the void for me... but now I can't even remember that. In some ways, having Isaac makes remembering Hailey hard... my experiences with him interfere with my memories of her... I try to imagine the weight of her in my arms, I can't get passed how it felt to hold him today... I try to imagine Hailey's eyes, which I do remember purposefully staring into one night trying to study and memorize every little thing about them so I could never forget... and now I've forgotten. I can't imagine her eyes, instead Isaac's eyes come to my mind. Sure I have pictures, but pictures never captured the real Hailey.

But to be honest, if it weren't for having Isaac... I don't know where I'd be in my grief journey with Hailey. In many ways, the mother part of me that died when Hailey died, which was a huge, traumatic, painful loss, has been redeemed through being Isaac's mommy. Those dreams of being a mother and raising and loving a child that died with Hailey were reborn and fulfilled with Isaac. So in a lot of ways, with Isaac's life came a lot of healing for me. Having him to love and talk about makes being around other women who are moms and have children, something that was very difficult after Hailey and before Isaac. But of course, Isaac doesn't replace Hailey in anyway. The void in our lives from losing Hailey will always be huge and nothing, but God, will ever fill that.

And to be honest, sometimes having Isaac makes the grief harder... or maybe different. Sometimes I feel I miss her more, if that were possible, because of having Isaac. Watching him change and grow and develop and reach milestones and become his own person is a stark reminder of Hailey being forever 5 weeks old and brings up the pain of not knowing her like I can know Isaac. To see Isaac smile his big, gigantic, gorgeous, gummy smile at me reminds me that I don't know Hailey's smile... she never had one... well, no, that's not entirely true, she had her half-sleepy/ dreamlike smiles, but not the purposeful, social, big ones like Isaac gives. The list goes on, but there's no need to...

With moving to a new state this year, settling into a new community, making new friends, having Isaac, it's almost like I'm living a different life, which makes Hailey's loss and living without her more difficult. Again, like she's getting further and further away, which I associate to mean she's becoming less and less important, although I know that's not true. Oh the lies grief likes to play on you...

Special days this year were especially hard. I always try to remember her in a special way on those days, but it's hard when I want other people's acknowledgement too. Her birthday was especially hard. In venting my difficulties to my friend, she wondered if I was afraid people were forgetting Hailey or if people were forgetting me and the loss I'd endured... And I hadn't realized it until she said that, but both have caused me troubles. Thankfully on Hailey's birthday, my husband, Isaac, and I did something special through Hailey's Hope. On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day I lit a candle for her and so did several friends. On Christmas I remembered her by buying her and Isaac the book I mentioned in the last post, visiting her grave, giving her a pink rose, giving her a new butterfly and wreath, putting up her pink stocking and buying her Christmas gift which is another butterfly to put in our house. And I noticed some of my family members left tokens of their love by her grave as well. On Mother's Day... well I honestly can't remember back to unless I were to go back to my blog posts... but I know without having to look Mother's Day was hard, I avoided church I think, and felt the Hailey-me-forgotten-pain... The Hailey-me-forgotten-pain is one that was at the forefront of this year and hard to deal with. But I'm thankful for the moments this year where friends and family have made it a point to do something special or say something to me letting me know their love for Hailey, and me.

I think that's about all I want to say in terms of reflecting back on my grief over losing Hailey two years ago. I didn't want to write about what happened two years ago... I've done that plenty of times... and don't really want to go down that memory lane too many times as there's no need to do it too much... It hurts to much.

I'm not sure what I'll do on January 6th (I'm writing this ahead of time) to remember her. I, of course, want to and need to do something, but I'm not sure what... I'm never sure what to do... If I were at home by her, I'd buy her another pink rose, go visit her grave, and read her Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You one more time... But I can't... So I've got to come up with something else...

Hopefully I'll focus less on what I went through on January 6, 2010 and focus more on imagining Hailey in Heaven, where there is much peace and comfort in those thoughts.

 

Christmas 2011 Back Home Again

This is over due, but I still wanted to share about our Christmas this year. Of course, this Christmas was Isaac's first. This was also the second Christmas spent without Hailey and without my dad. Both of those combined brought their fair share of joy and sorrow.

We spent the week leading up to Christmas and through Christmas in our hometown in Illinois. The trip began with a stressful, long 8 hour drive in the middle of the night (to allow the little one to sleep through the car ride, which he did splendidly). The weekend began with a friend's wedding where Isaac was an absolute doll and adored being oohed and ahhed over. The next day was our first Christmas party with my mom's side of the family. The traveling, plus the previous evening's festivities, plus being in a new place, with 50 some more new faces was a bit much for the little guy. I enjoyed seeing many relatives I hadn't seen since Hailey's memorial service and before that hadn't seen in a couple of years. But in, all honesty, I felt stressed over and sympathizing with Isaac's fussiness. By the fourth day or so, which sure seemed like a long time, Isaac worked himself back into a routine, and we all enjoyed a few low key days. As Christmas approached we attended more parties and made more visits with family and friends. We celebrated 'our' Christmas with Isaac on Christmas Eve morning with my husband's immediate family who we were staying with. Christmas Eve night we enjoyed more gift opening and spent it with my father-in-law's extended family. Christmas day we celebrated and opened gifts with my immediate family. Finally, the day after Christmas, our last family party, with my mother-in-law's side of the family, after which or maybe during (?) we left to drive through the night back home to Tennessee.

That's just skimming the surface of our trip and Christmas though, as alluded to in my previous post.

Going back home to Hailey was more difficult than I'd imagined. My grief resurfaced and surged about within my heart. Living so far away from where she is buried allows me to distance myself from and bury a lot of my grief I realized. I wasn't able to visit her grave for a few days after we arrived. But from the minute we arrived home, I knew she was right down the road from me. The reality of her burial and what we went through two years ago and continue to go through hit hard. My baby's there. That baby who seems like something I only imagined once is real again. She's there. Down the road. In the ground. In her tiny coffin. In her pink polka dot jammies. She's there. I went and visited her, and I couldn't help but literally imagine her below me right there in the cold, hard ground. Grief. Sorrow. There are no words. I cried. I caught myself trying to forbid myself from crying, but I didn't... I released the tears that needed to come. I remember the spring after we first buried her... I thought of it raining on her and I had a strange desire to go stand over her with an umbrella... The similar thoughts and feelings came when I went to see her. It was cold, not the typical cold of a Chicago winter, but cold enough, and all I could think of was how cold her body must be. And that strange desire to find a way to warm her came over me. But knowing she's not there, and what's left of her can't be warmed or cared for... well it's frustrating and painful. We visited her the first time, just my husband and I. Then we visited her a second time to set a new Christmas wreath next to her grave. I bought a special pink butterfly to put on the wreath for her. I don't know why decorating her grave or making it look 'pretty' or 'cared for' matters to me... but it does and it's important. I can't explain it. The final time we went to visit her we brought Isaac with to see his sister. It was cold that day with an extra harsh wind, so Isaac didn't stay out long. My husband took him back to the car, and I read her my Christmas gift to her and Isaac. A beautiful book by Nancy Tilman, Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You. I think I cried every time we visited her. And I cried after we'd come back home. I cried being in that same bedroom we were in almost two years ago where we prepared for her funeral, where I cried all day and night and couldn't sleep and held on to her giraffe. That room is loaded with memories and grief. But this year it had our bundle of joy in it too... which adds a whole new dimension of emotions to it. So of course, needless to say, this Christmas without Hailey was not any easier, and I don't expect it will ever be. But being back home by her was somewhat of a shocking experience of grief, like I was going back to a life I had once forgotten... And the grief was hard to deal with as it was tucked in between all the busyness of people and places and such as well as trying to find where it belonged in the midst of the joy of everything else.



So yes there was joy that was had. There were wonderful memories made. It was great being surrounded with so many people we love and who love us. I had a wonderful time helping Isaac open his presents, loved watching him inquisitively reach for the wrapping paper and pull it, tearing his presents open. Of course he thought the occasion was about eating wrapping paper not about the gifts the paper had wrapped... In my mind I had a notion of what I wanted his first Christmas to be like and how I wanted to commemorate the event... So much so that I nearly ruined Christmas... You see, I had wanted it well documented. Pictures and video. I'd set up the video camera in just the right spot, remembered to press record... Only after opening presents did my husband discover practically none of it recorded because I hadn't cleared out enough space in the memory or the card. I missed recording Isaac's first Christmas. In my mind I catastrophized (making up a word) the event. I felt of course that meant I ruined Isaac's first Christmas, but the truth is, which I realized after I had a mini meltdown freakout, was that he did not care or notice and it did not matter to him. I realized a terrible flaw I have... I'm so focused on getting the right picture or recording every important memory on film or video, etc. that I miss half of what I'm wanting to document. I forget to live in the moment, forget to enjoy to moment. Forget what life's about....

All in all... well there really is no nice, simple, one sentence wrap up to our Christmas... maybe if I wanted to be close and use a cliche... I felt like it was a beautiful mess at times.

Christmas this year was emotional. It was stressful. It was joyful. It was sorrowful. It was everything in between. It was full of wonderful moments that are now wonderful memories. It was full of painful memories as well. Most importantly though, it was full of love.

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus

A friend who recently experienced her own loss, shared this poem with me the other day. Brought tears to my eyes. I love it so much I wanted to share it on here.

I see the countless Christmas trees.
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.
I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.
Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!
I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.
After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
- Author Unknown

{Merry Christmas Hailey. Love you baby girl}.

She would have been 2 today...

(I'm writing this the day before, but will be posting on Hailey's 2nd birthday.)

Hailey...

Where do I start?

First with some lyrics the post title reminds me of... (from Building 429 who the lead singer of also happens to be our worship leader at church)
I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said *she would have been *two today
I miss *her smile, I miss *her face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Wow that song is more than perfect...Thank you for those words Lord.

Anyway...

I haven't written about her... or anything... in a long time. Mostly because I find myself extremely busy taking care of her brother Isaac and with the other aspects of "real" life. However, there are times I write about her. In fact I've written about her twice this month with intentions to post it, only having read it the next day and finding myself unable to bring myself to do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record when writing and talking about her, generally saying the same thing again and again...Sometimes what I write is the inner, deepest, most secret, painful places of my heart that I often only gift light to when I write... but those places are painful and hard... and I've written plenty of posts that are heart-wrenching... and to be honest, I'm not sure I can share that pain anymore. I can't pinpoint why. The pain is real. I'm not trying to hide it even years later. But for someone reason it's harder to share. And maybe it's because I don't have the time to devote to writing that my feelings and thoughts deserve.

That's not to be mistaken for me not wanting to share about Hailey or my experience. Oh no. I still have a desire and need to talk about her and keep her memory alive every day. But to explore and share those inner parts of myself related to her is just not something I can fully do anymore. I may after the new year officially take a break from "her" blog for an indefinite period of time... I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, here I am writing about my daughter on the eve of what would have been her 2nd birthday. And as always, I don't know where to begin and I don't want to be a broken record. By now, I've shared her birth story on here over and over, I've shared the experience and my feelings, and the trauma and the joy and the broken dreams and the love and everything in between. It's nothing new. But at the same time, it's her story. It's my story. And I need to remember it and share it.

I'll start with one of "those" posts I wrote last week but never actually posted:

Okay... Anyway, I will share this one post I wrote last week...

 In the quiet of the night I think of you. Often I'm lost in the busyness of the day but even then there are often reminders of you .. But not enough.

It's a little less than a week until your birthday and you are on my mind a lot more throughout my days.

I'm stopping and slowing life down so I can take the proper time to remember you.

They say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Sure life has moved on and my mind and heart are distracted by the here and now...
But the more time passes the less time I devote to truly sit and think of you and linger in my memories and feel...

Today I took the time to stop and tonight I do to and it's heart wrenching..... The wounds are fresh not healed... Never fully healed...

We finally took the boxes of the things we'd saved of yours... That you used and some that we hoped you'd use but never did... We're finally getting rid of them... And while that all initially happened this afternoon, unexpectedly to be honest... I felt myself living on the surface pushing the tears back before they even knew they were supposed to come...

But no. I must stop doing that, I need to feel.

I went through the boxes just to make sure there wasn't anything of yours I wanted to keep... I'm glad I did...

I found your two pink gowns we had for you that you wore in the hospital. The one with the stripes you wore on your one week birthday and looked so adorable in... I looked at it and touched it and could almost smell your sweet birthday cake...

And you know what, my heart broke and I wanted to cry but instead of holding it in I cried. I often don't allow myself to stop and feel anymore because it's hard... But I had to remind myself of who you were to me and the significance of what we went through together.

You were my baby girl. You wore these outfits my fingers are touching... It brings me so close to you again but reminds of how far away you are... And so I cried.

I know you are in Heaven, I know I will see you again one day... But for now it hurts really bad and sometimes I need to take time to sit and think of you and just cry...,

And as I write this I cry and I weep and my chest is tight and my shoulders shake and I can barely see through my tears to write...

I miss you baby girl. I wish I could remember you better... I hate that my memories are fuzzy...

So that's all for now my munchkin... Mommy needs to start this week before your second Birthday by allowing myself to feel my emotions and so it's starting with grief...

Two years later and it's the same struggles... And on the eve of her 2nd birthday, my heart is full of the painful memories of her birth and the struggles of the present.

How do I let go but hold on? How do I grieve her? How do I remember her? Why can't I remember anymore? Why do I talk mechanically about her and force away tears that are desperate to fall? Why do I treat "it all" like it was/ is no big deal? How do I live while a part of me has died?

There are so many sources of frustration... new sources of sorrow as time passes... time will never heal those things... life just gets in the way... and God helps give me tools to get through...

I apologize right now for the jumbled nature of this post... There are so many thoughts and feelings about her... Not enough space or time for them all to be adequately shared...

Here's where I am... Kind of if I can articulate it at all, but words are really failing me today.

Tomorrow my daughter would have turned two. This year I'm having a hard time focusing on the love and joy and celebration of her life (even though that's somewhat of a given), but instead I'm finding myself filled with sorrow for what could have been but isn't.

Going through her boxes reminded me of what we hoped for that didn't happen. The clothes meant for older babies she never wore. The toys meant for her to play with but she never could. And so on... As I see and watch Isaac grow, I'm reminded on what I missed out on with her...  And see, I almost can't write this because I already want to weep...

This may seem really odd and out of place, but I'm reminded of a scene from the  Breaking Dawn movie where the audience "sees" what Jacob "sees" when he imprints on a baby girl...  I long to be him in that moment. I have such a struggle with only knowing Hailey for 36 days... wondering what her smile would have looked like, what her laugh would have sounded like, what she would be like on her 2nd birthday. I think about what she would have looked like as a bride in a white gown... But I can't picture any of these things... I don't know what she would have looked... Would she have looked more like me or more like my husband? Who is/ was she? And there's the struggle of "grieving the child I [knew but] never knew"... So I long to have a moment like Jacob... where seeing a baby he sees all of her, even when she's twenty... But in some ways, I wonder if that scene will be something like I will experience in heaven.. I know odd right, talking about Breaking Dawn and heaven... But I often wonder how I'll know her in heaven... What will she look like? I imagine her being a little girl with long flowing brown hair... But I don't know what she'll look like, but I know I'll know her. So I wonder if I will have a moment like in his vision...

And on her birthday, my imagination will probably create something like that in my mind... Trying to picture as a healthy child, beautiful, running through fields of wildflowers, playing in a stream, giggling, and so on... Maybe that's my birthday gift to her... imagining what I hope to experience one day with her.

~ ~ ~ ~

My Dearest Hailey,

Happy Birthday baby girl. You came into our lives two years ago, but, for now, will always be 5 weeks old in our eyes. For now that time seems much too brief, but one day we will have an eternity to spend with you. We miss you for now, and we long for the day when Jesus reunites us with you in Heaven. It's my prayer that God sends along this birthday message to you as well as all my other loving thoughts and feelings toward you. I pray he shares with you a smile, a kiss, and a long warm embrace on my behalf. For now I imagine you and see you in my dreams, those are far better sometimes than the painful memories of your life when you were sick and hurting. I'm so thankful for the wonderful hope I have that Jesus makes possible that one day everything will be wonderful again. We love you so much and always will. Happy Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Mommy is so proud of you and loves you so much. Words will always fail to capture the depths of my feelings for you, but I know you know.

Love you always and forever,

Your Momma

 

~ ~ ~ ~

So what are we doing on her birthday tomorrow?

A part of me desperately desires to visit her at her grave...  I'd loved to have visited her. Spent some time in prayer by her and before the Lord. Left her with a pink rose and butterfly balloon.

To "celebrate" and remember her 2nd birthday tomorrow, but unfortunately that's impossible since we're separated by miles. So instead, I'm doing the best thing I can think to do on her birthday. Visit another place that brings her back to me... unfortunately it wasn't the happiest of times spent there... but it's a place that connects us nonetheless.

So tomorrow, my husband and I along with Hailey's brother are driving down to Birmingham, AL to donate care packages from Hailey's Hope to Hailey's NICU to help other families who are in our shoes two years ago. We're donating 36 packages (one for each day of her life). It's about a 3-4 hour drive... First long trip with Isaac... A lot of time to remember and think which is good and bad in some ways... We'll drive there, drop the packages off, probably walk around the hospital (won't go in the NICU due to hospital policy), but probably walk by it... (this all has potential to bring up painful memories and tears, but that's okay, I am letting myself cry tomorrow and not allowing myself to put up barriers)... This year will be different than last year's birthday delivery. This year my husband will be with and of course our son. I know we'll be telling and showing Isaac things related to his sister... And while I want to do that and will do that... It's heartbreaking that this is our life... that he has a sister but doesn't...   Anyway, most likely after our visit to the hospital we'll grab something to eat and then head back home for the 3-4 hour drive... It's going to be a long day, but I pray it's everything it needs to be for our family.

.... Happy Birthday baby girl...

My 2nd Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance

Today, October 15th, has been nationally recognized as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Last year was the first time I became aware of this day and participated in it in memory of Hailey. We had a wonderful time remembering her and celebrating our daughter as well as helping others remember their babies. You can read about it here (and I hope that you do!).

Today is my second time recognizing this day and remembering Hailey and the other babies I know who have left us too soon.

Unfortunately we were unable to find any events in our area to attend and with Isaac we were unable to arrange anything ourselves.

However, today we went on our own little family walk in some beautiful fall weather. We went to the Greenway, this beautiful walking path in our area, and Josh walked Opie and I pushed Isaac in the stroller (to start). We walked a little farther than Isaac could stand so he got a bit fussy; we ended the walk with me walking Opie and pushing the stroller and Josh carrying Isaac. :) I wore my t-shirt from last year's walk that we participated in.

And tonight in about 30 minutes we will participate in the event that takes place around the world at 7pm wherever you are known as the Wave of Light. At 7pm we will light a candle for Hailey. I will light the same one I bought last year just for this occasion. It has what has become my life verse on it which is because of my daughter. It's a reminder of her and of God and all that He's done and will do.

Of course if I ever take a true moment to be still and silent and remember my daughter, it's filled with emotions, the strange mixture of joy and sorrow. Today I haven't had a moment to myself to do that yet, but I've still thought of her a little extra today and feel full of God's peace. I think her "rainbow" brother is helping to further heal my heart in a unique way that I'll try to write about some day.

I've stolen a moment at the computer to write this blog while Hailey's brother naps on his napping daddy's chest. But I know this moment will be short and Isaac will awaken before I know it so I need to wrap this up.

Thank you to everyone who has remembered Hailey and isn't afraid to mention her name. Your support means the world and also helps soothe my broken heart.

Praying for peace for all the families out there remembering their babies. May you find hope and joy as you trust in God with what you're enduring. (Rm. 15:13)

Part of Me…
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.
I think of you in silence. I often say your name.
But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part.
God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn’t go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
-Author unknown

 

Love you baby girl! Jesus give her extra squeezes and snuggles and kisses from me today!

Isaac & Hailey

(Written Sunday night)

Well life continues on... And my blogging continues to fall behind. Finding time to sit down at my computer and write is nearly impossible, heck holding onto a thought long enough to write it down is nearly impossible these days since I've become so scatter brained. But I miss blogging a lot so right now let me share with you how I am writing this ...

I am trying to put Isaac to sleep so he is in my left arm being supported by my boppy while I rock him and hold his paci in his mouth with my right hand so that leaves my left hand free... Therefore in writing this by holding my phone in my hand and typing it with my thumb, which is now actually beginning to cramp...

But anyway. Our new family is doing well. Isaac is no longer so fussy or crying inconsolably from pain since we're now dealing with his reflux and food allergies. We continue to learn about each other and what he likes and dislikes. The only issue we're tackling is his lack of sleep and just not being a good sleeper. But we are all functioning well and starting to get out of the house more and more little by little so that feels good.

Today Isaac turned 7 weeks old. I'm absolutely in love with his smiles and giggles and baby talk. He enjoys his bouncy chair and play gym. He likes to look in mirrors a lot. He's finally starting to grab onto things. Last night he took his first bottle of breastmilk from his dad and did awesome (although it made me a little sad). He's learning and growing so fast. I love it! I rejoice in him every day and try to pour on as much love and care as I can... In fact sometimes I feel myself giving him a double dose of love for him and his sissy in heaven (if that's possible or makes sense).

He's still and will forever be my dream come true... My rainbow baby as some baby lost mothers would say... There continue to be times where he feels too good to be true...

I can really send his birth announcements? I can really decorate his nursery? I can really take him to the store with me? I can really buy him bigger clothes because he continues to grow? I can really buy him toys because he's learning skills that enable to play with them?

I can go on and on... Asking myself those questions and answering affirmatively feels so amazing and brings so much joy I can't describe it. I am so thankful for it.

The best moment came a few weeks ago when we took our first trip to Babies R Us post pregnancy with him. That was the first time it sank in that I did indeed have a baby to buy for. I could buy those cute little baby Nikes I just sawed and oohed and aahed over if I wanted to for him. I could buy all the outfits that are just too cute and adorable instead of just admiring and hoping. I finally can fulfill many of my dreams and that day I was just giddy with delight in the store. I love it. I love him. And those are such understatements.

But I continue to miss his sister in different ways now as we do life with him...

The other night as I rocked him to sleep I thought of her but I couldn't picture her. I sat looking at Isaac thinking of how he reminds me of her and suddenly I couldn't separate them. Then I couldn't picture her. I was forgetting what she looked like, what she sounded like ... It was as though my present with Isaac was wiping away or replacing my past memories of her... And I began to softly weep... I couldn't picture her. I tried to think back to a specific memory and imagine her face and couldn't. I started to grieve harder and harder in that moment. The ache of missing her gained back its intensity, and I did all I could do which was sit there and rock my baby boy in the night and look at the pictures of Hailey from the Facebook album on my phone... I needed to see her and I couldn't do it on my own. So I sat looking at many pictures of her but honestly found myself skipping a lot because I couldn't bear to remember some of the memories... Eventually the tears stopped as they always do, but the void she left forever remains.

We quickly approach her second birthday and while more and more time passes, we continue to grieve and will every day for the rest of our lives... But the hard thing remains feeling alone in it as everyone else goes on without her.

I want to do another large delivery for Hailey's Hope on her birthday like I did last year but I'm having trouble fundraising and getting support. This year her birthday delivery will be special because Isaac will be there. He will start to learn about his sissy and see the hospital she was in. But it will be extra emotional having him there... So I'm going to start praying now that her birthday delivery will be everything I hope and that we will be able to celebrate her life like I want to.

Can I Keep You?

(Disclaimer: Sad Post)

Today is a significant day and because of that I'm making it a priority to write this post. Yes today is significant because it's the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, but I am not going to write about that.

Today Isaac is 5 weeks old. Not as significant as his one month birthday this past week, which I wanted to write a post on but didn't have the time for of course, but today his being 5 weeks old is significant to my heart because of his sister.

I remember back to the day Hailey turned 5 weeks old, and what I didn't know then that I know now is that it would be our last day with her. We would wake up the next day, Hailey being 5 weeks 1 day old and find that she had passed away some time while we were sleeping that morning.

Every time I hold him I think of her. Today every time I hold him, I can't help but put him in Hailey's place... I can't help but imagine that today would be our last day with him. Of course, I can't go to that place of thought for long otherwise I would become much too depressed today. But nonetheless, today I remember Hailey as I look at Isaac and as I look at Isaac I pray that today would not be our last with him and that we would have many many many more to come.

There have been many times over the past few weeks where I can't help but be afraid to lose him too, where I can't help but look lovingly upon him and think he's too good to be true. I literally ask Isaac, "Can I keep you?" and I ask God, "Can I keep him?"

The week before last, when I was still being extremely sleep deprived, any time I had a minute of shut eye, I would dream some crazy dreams. One night in the very early hours of the morning, Isaac had fallen asleep finally and so it was my turn. Unfortunately, I would rather not have fallen asleep. I dreamed the worst nightmare I had ever dreamed before. And one of the most horrible things about it was that like all of my sleep deprived dreams it was entirely too realistic and often based on something that was really happening that day. So this dream was not only horrific but felt extremely real and was occurring as though it was happening in real time.

In my nightmare, I awoke to find Isaac with his eyes closed and limp, thinking he was finally in a deep sleep only to realize he in fact wasn't breathing... and he had died in his sleep. Without going into all the details that followed in my dream because they are too graphic and sad, in my nightmare I essentially went through all the motions and emotions that I went through the day Hailey died. I awoke from my dream crying which turned into a hysterical cry because it felt so real, and my emotions were extremely real. Thankfully it was time for me to nurse Isaac so I was able to kiss and cuddle him and be assured that he was okay. While I nursed him I prayed against continued bad dreams; however, the next time I was able to fall asleep that morning my nightmare picked up right where it left off, and I was dreaming about planning his funeral...

I wonder if these types of nightmares are something other parents experience who have lost a child and go on to have a healthy child or already do have other living children...

So today, remembering that the last day I spent with Hailey was when she was 5 weeks old which is how old Isaac is today, I'm a little saddened of course, but more so I'm trying to use the remembrance to embrace and love on Isaac and others since we never know when that last day may come.

Hopefully next time I have a chance to write I can write a more upbeat post about Isaac and our life together like I've been wanting to. Until then, as you remember and never forget September 11th, let that day and this post and our experience with our daughter remind you to do the same: embrace and love on the people in your life because you never know when it will be your last day to do so...

 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Comparing

As was to be expected, I don't have as much time to devote to my blog these days so I can't write as often as I'd like. However, on our good days when Isaac is sleeping and has allowed me to see a reasonable amount of sleep (like today!), I will try to write if I can.

Isaac is about two and a half weeks old now. We are still working on settling into a routine. Unfortunately he doesn't follow the schedule of sleeping 14-18 hrs a day for 2-3 hrs at a time like most newborns, and when he is awake he has some extreme bouts of fussiness which are related to some tummy/ allergy issues he has on top of the normal-newborn-baby-adjusting-to-the-world-issues. Thankfully, not every day is a rough one, and the "happy" days are treasured and help us recover from the long and tiring ones. But no matter how "rough" life seems with him, I always know it's really not that bad. I have "really bad" to compare it too. In fact, I find myself comparing Isaac to Hailey often.

During the days and nights when I'm running on a few hours total of sleep, feeling sleep deprived and at my wits end with trying to console Isaac by rocking him for what seems like hours at time, my initial reaction is to be frustrated and upset and wanting my free time back... But then I remember it could be worse and to be thankful for what I have. I become thankful that he is here with me and suddenly what was a frustrating and seemed like a "bad" moment becomes one I want to freeze and remain in forever... The moment where I am rocking him in my arms, held close to my chest where I can cover him in kisses and breathe in his smell and where I can stare at him endlessly and play with his tiny toes... And ultimately I am reminded that he is safe and healthy and at home, and I correct my emotions to ones of gratitude.

However, those "rough" moments Isaac has, which thankfully are becoming less and less, have been extra sensitive for me. While I remind myself of what I just wrote above, I realize why it is so difficult for me sometimes to handle some of his cries - the cries that are more like blood curdling screams, where his face turns red, where he arches his back, where he tries to signal to me that he's in pain and not just fussing. It's because he reminds me of his sissy, and my heart breaks, for both of them. Hailey had her moments of crying the same way. The inconsolable crying of pain which involves the entire body going stiff and rigid. Her pain that we couldn't take away. Her pain that we couldn't solve or fix. Her pain that made and still makes my heart break. And when Isaac does the same, he's so much like her. So my heart breaks for her and the pain we couldn't take away, and my heart breaks for Isaac because as his momma I just want to take his pain away and fix it, but again, I don't know how.

Sometimes he looks so much like her I can hardly believe it.  His little round face, his little eyes, his little mouth, his soft hair that's extra long in back... They are hers... The reminder of her makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes when he's sleeping he looks like her when she'd sleep, especially when he falls asleep with his mouth open because that's how she always slept... At first I found myself checking on him often when he was asleep... in all honesty checking to make sure he was still breathing... that was something that was difficult and I hadn't expected to experience, but it's no wonder I did after losing Hailey in her sleep. I have to remind myself even when I see him sleeping so peaceful and still as his sissy would, he is not her... but I still check.

I started to tell him about his sister the other day. Tears started to come to my eyes as I realized that some day he will start to make sense of the stories we tell him about her. Some day he will learn his sissy died. Some day he will visit her grave and understand what it means. Those thoughts break my heart, for me, for him.

There are many days when life feels near perfection since Isaac has been home with us. Days where my heart bursts with love over our little family. But on those days, I especially miss Hailey because the truth is our family is incomplete without her.

Not having her here makes some days feel strange, like Isaac is our first child, not our second... But the reality is he will be the first in many ways. Somehow I will need to come to terms with that since that makes it easy to for Hailey to be overlooked or forgotten.

It's astonishing to me how different Isaac's entrance into the world and life has been in comparison to Hailey's. His really seemed so perfect and beyond my wildest dreams, full of nothing but joy while hers was... well as I've written about many times before, traumatic. Those first hours and days with Isaac were heavenly, quiet, peaceful, where we were free to live and love and time didn't matter. I never knew giving birth could be such a wonderful experience... Having experienced it this time made the experience with Hailey that much more difficult to think back on. When going through the experience with Hailey we had nothing to compare it too, but in and of itself, it was... again, traumatic, but now to compare it to how good things can be that so many others get to experience... it made me feel ... almost 'robbed' (for lack of a better word) with Hailey... This time I didn't imagine what we missed out on with her, I lived it and experienced it firsthand. I saw how good "it" could be and how bad it was with her. And it broke my heart to know what she, and we, missed out on.

At the same time, her situation cannot be changed, but can only be learned from and used for good. So I am thankful for the experience because it has made me sensitive to a world I hadn't known existed, that of the NICU and the babylost parents. And more importantly, it has made me more appreciative for what we have with Isaac. All the things most parents take for granted, I know I never will.  I will always have a reason to be thankful and rejoice even in what seems to be the difficult moments.

So while we  deal with dirty diapers, spit up, getting peed on, crying, fussiness, lack of sleep, and the normal baby life that can have it's moments of frustration with new parents, I am so very thankful for them and wouldn't have life any other way. I will change the way I eat, I will function on no sleep, I will rock him for hours on end, I will do it all with a grateful heart because I'm doing it at all. Because I know it could be worse. I know what it's like to call a NICU a home, I know what it's like to have the opportunity to sleep a full eight hours a night because of visiting hours and being sent "home" to a Ronald McDonald House, I know what it's like to have a crying baby and not be able to hold her, I know what it's like to have an IV "nourishing" my child instead of me, I know what it's like to pray for a dirty diaper and rejoice when one comes and cry when it doesn't, I know what it's like to watch my child sleep because I'm praying that her breathing doesn't stop, I know what it's like to listen to beeps and alarms instead of lullabies and soothing sounds...

With all that said, a lot of my thoughts and emotions related to Isaac and Hailey still go unmentioned as I've only skimmed the surface of most... and I'm sure it's just the beginning. All I know is that I love both my babies with all my heart, and not having one here makes me love and appreciate every second I have with the other that much more.

Dear Hailey

Dear Hailey,

Soon our family is going to be changing - or rather it's already begun to change. Did you know on your 1st birthday I found out I was pregnant with your little brother? Can you believe that? Well pretty soon he's going to be here, and you are going to become a big sister.

I have so many emotions connecting you and your brother together in my heart, my two babies.

Part of me is excited. I can't wait to tell him all about his big sister, to show him your picture, to teach him to say your name, to some day tell him how you changed my life and so many others.

Part of me is sad. I'm sad you won't be able to meet him right away. I'm sad he won't be able to meet you and know you for himself. I'm sad he will only know you through pictures and stories. I'm sad he'll have a big sister, but at the same time that he won't.

Did you know this pregnancy has reminded me so much of you? It's made me think of you a lot. In fact, it's hard to think about your brother and not think about you.

To be honest with you, sometimes this has made me sad, and it's been difficult for me. Your birth and life made me aware of a love and joy I didn't know existed. But since you had many health problems, and we knew your time with us was going to be brief, the circumstances surrounding you involved a lot of tears and pain. As you know, it was very hard for me and your daddy to see you sick and be unable to do anything to make you better. In fact, it broke our hearts, and it still does, even though we know you are with Jesus and no longer sick or in pain and are experiencing more joy and love than we could ever have shown you on this earth. But having experienced that journey with you makes me wonder what the journey will be like with your little brother and makes me wonder if it will be the same, which is what's difficult.

But there are times when this pregnancy reminds me of when I was pregnant with you and those memories make me happy. In a way, when I remember them, they bring me back to you. They make you feel real again and not like a fleeting dream I once I had.

Most of all, my pregnancy with your little brother and preparing myself to meet him makes me miss you. Your daddy and I can't wait to hold your little brother in our arms and start our lives with him. I can't wait to feel like a family again... but right when I think that I know our family will always feel incomplete without you here too. I know God had a plan for calling you home to Him when He did, but sometimes the selfish part of me that doesn't understand wishes you could be healthy and happy here with us too... but you're not, and I miss you.

We don't know how God is going to change our family with your brother, but no matter what happens, even though you are not physically here with us, you will always be a part of our family, you will always be my firstborn, you will always be my little girl, you will always be my daughter, and you will always be loved.

I love you and miss you baby girl. Sending kisses up to Heaven for you today.  I can't wait to tell you about your little brother, and I can't wait to tell him about his big sister.

Love you always and forever,

Your momma

Updates & Thoughts on Hailey

First, some updates...

My husband and I enjoyed a long 5 day holiday weekend (yes, 5 days!). We spent some of our free time together buying those necessities we still needed for baby boy, and we also ventured to Babies R Us and created a registry. Thankfully, after a roller coaster of a week emotionally for me, our baby shopping adventures went quite well. I think it was helpful for us to do the shopping and registering together. I didn't really get too sad or emotional. Instead, shopping made us both really excited... which is good but again is a scary thing for me. At this point, it's pretty hard not to be excited to meet our little guy and start dreaming of a future with him... but I still have that nagging in the back of my mind that I could be "let down" again...

Yesterday marked my 36th week of pregnancy. 1 more week until I'm considered full term. 4 more weeks to baby boy's due date. Again, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer to August 3rd, I can't help but be excited. One part of me wants him to come right now so I can be done waiting for him and just meet him and hold him already. But another part of me wants him to stay in my belly as long as possible because I know he's safe and sound in there and I don't have to worry about NICUs or things like that. So that part of me continues to cherish every day of this pregnancy. Also yesterday I had another appointment with my midwife and thankfully everything continues to look good although no signs that baby boy is going to make his debut any time soon.

Last but not least for the updates, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't have anything spectacular planned (we did just go on an awesome vacation last month, had fun with fireworks and things this past weekend, have a concert planned for this coming weekend, and not to mention it's hard to plan something on a work day), but we had a great anniversary nonetheless. My husband surprised me with a beautiful card and beautiful flowers when he came home, and thankfully there was a change in our schedules that allowed us to enjoy a nice romantic dinner out. We had lots of fun reminiscing about various moments in our lives and relationship. I hope we can always hold such great conversations even as we become an old married couple. Our marriage has seen more hardships and struggles than most can imagine in the first four years I'm sure, but I am so thankful that God has sustained us and so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who continues to be my best friend. I can only hope and pray that God will redeem our seasons of pain with more seasons of joy in the coming years.

~

So I thought I'd take some time to write a little about where my heart and mind are right now in terms of living without Hailey. As I've written before, I've felt a lot of deja vu with this pregnancy reminding me so much of Hailey and that has been a difficult thing and at times contributed to a lot of my fears this time around. However something that I haven't really written about yet is that as my belly has grown rounder and as my due date quickly approaches, talking about Hailey has become quite difficult for me.

Since Hailey passed away, I really haven't minded talking about her. I've always wanted and even "enjoyed"  opportunities to talk about her. At times I've struggled with how to answer the question "Do you have any children?" because I don't ever want to act like I never had a daughter, but answering that question honestly can be hard and awkward as I've written about before. But despite the difficulties and awkwardness, whenever I've been asked that question or a related one, I've taken a deep breath and dared to be open and mention Hailey and our loss. And I've always been able to do so with a strength and courage and perspective that allowed me to share about her with a love and joy instead of with pain and sorrow.

Lately however, it's really hard for me to share about Hailey in that way. Being in the Army, we continue to be presented with situations where we are meeting new people. Now people see that I'm pregnant and as a result we often get asked if this is our first pregnancy at which point we respond with no this is our second. I don't usually venture much further with an explanation unless there's further inquiry at which point it becomes quite hard to share our story (part of me now is hoping they don't inquire further when before I would hope they would). Most of the time when this happens lately I'm with my husband and I can look to him to answer and explain because I know I can't without crying - even as I listen to him explain I often have to hold back the tears now. As odd as it might be for someone to hear this, I still want people to know we had a daughter even though doing so has become quite hard.

I think, if I can adequately put it into words, one of the reasons I can't contain the pain and sorrow now when these questions come up is because this new pregnancy has made me miss Hailey in a new way and to a new depth. Now there is so much focus on the loss or void I have without her, whereas before I could focus on the brief time she was with us and filled our lives. Also,  I think it's because I have so much fear that after losing our first child we will also lose the one growing inside of me, the thought of which is obviously unbearable painful....

So this has been and remains a current challenge I'm experiencing as a babylost and expectant mom.

Making progress

Since writing my last post, I have had a growing sense of peace (and am even allowing myself to tip-toe toward hopes and dreams for our little boy). All I can say is that I give God all the credit and am so thankful for what he's doing in me. Does this mean all of my worries and anxieties are non-existent now? By no means, but they only take up a small fraction of my mind and heart lately, and I'm having a fairly easy time dismissing them and focusing on the positive. I only hope that the peace inside of me continues to grow and stay with me through to our little boy's birth.

Thanks to this change and the strength God blessed me with today, I spent the afternoon in the room that is going to be our little guy's nursery. Up until today the room has contained boxes and bins of items for Hailey's Hope, the nursery furniture (crib, dresser, and glider) that we had in Hailey's nursery, and the closet has been packed full of boxes labeled "nursery" which contained items I sorted through and packed away in Alabama (those gender neutral items we received before we had Hailey, which we could use again if we had another baby, boy or girl).

This afternoon I decided it was time for me to unpack the boxes and sort through items with the ultimate purpose of determining what items we still needed to buy for our little boy.  So far the plan isn't to decorate or set up his entire nursery or have everything we need for the first 6 months and beyond. The plan remains to have the necessities on hand to make it through his first month (with maybe a few special boy items included in there).

For the most part I had remembered which items I'd saved and packed away in these boxes, but there were a few 'surprises' as I unpacked. One whole box that had been labeled "baby girl," which contained blankets we'd received for Hailey, somehow wound up with the ones I was going through. Another box had Hailey's pink crib sheet and pink changing table cover mixed in with the neutral items. And yet another box of neutral clothing contained a couple of outfits Hailey had worn.

Of course just being in a room that I was getting ready to make into a nursery brought back memories of getting ready to set up Hailey's room. And of course, seeing the "surprise" items that reminded me of Hailey stopped me in my tracks a few times... I'm not really sure how to describe the experience... Maybe as a bittersweet sobering reminder that Hailey was once here... It kind of brings "her" back to reality because sometimes it feels like she was a distant dream or memory... I may have instinctively wanted to cry one or two times, but I didn't even have to push them back or try to ignore them (well maybe a little if I want to be honest). For the most part, I felt a strength to continue forward instead of being held back in sorrow.

Even going through those baby items we'd saved that we could use for our next baby, whether it was a boy or girl, brought back a lot of memories. Memories of when we'd used the same item with Hailey or thoughts of how we never were able to use a certain item with her. I looked at the car seat thinking how glad I was that the design was one we could use again with our little boy, then thinking of how tiny Hailey was compared to it and how almost ridiculous it looked whenever she was in it. I unpacked the diaper bag we'd used with her and thought of the times we'd used it and what I'd packed in it. I unpacked the baby carrier I'd learned how to use but never actually got to use with her.  Bringing out the changing pad we'd used with Hailey was probably the hardest item to look at because it's associated with so many memories of her; she spent so much time on her changing pad when she was home with us because we were contained to our living room and used it as a napping-relaxing-feeding-changing station for her.

When I was through unpacking, I was surprised at how many things we'd received when we had Hailey that we can use now with our little guy. Of course there was nothing especially designed for little boys, everything we kept that we have now to use for the little guys is neutral yellows, oranges, greens, and browns. But we do have most of our necessities covered so we can make it through the first month even starting now. There will be only a handful of items on our list to try to purchase before baby boy makes his arrival so I'm glad that won't be too overwhelming. And eventually, when he's here safe and sound, I'll be ready and excited to get "everything else" that we need. (Still haven't decided when nursery decorating will occur, but probably not for awhile still).

In the end, I managed to unpack all the boxes and even do a little sorting and organizing. Thankfully, God, my Helper, enabled me to do it without becoming an emotional mess. However, the experience did bring up a lot of memories and thoughts and emotions - which I'm able to handle at the present moment - but I can feel my Enemy ready to flip them on me and use them to bring me back to a low place as soon as he has the chance. So I'll just keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that is pray that I continue going forward with healing, hope, and peace.

Right Where I Am: 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks

Today's post has been inspired by this blog post that I came across via Facebook - very briefly, it's about a project that tracks the course of one's grief essentially...

So where am I today, 1 year, 4 months, and 4 weeks into my grief journey and life without Hailey?

I don't think there's any easy or simple answer for that question. Sometimes I don't even know where I am or how to categorize it. Perhaps that's because every day is different, but generally speaking, I still miss her. I still grieve. And I try my best with God's help to carry on without her.

The ache from the hole in my heart that was left behind when she left us isn't as sharp or agonizing as it used to be or as frequent as it used to be... But the hole is still there; there's still an emptiness there... That brokenness that feels as though it's become a part of who I am is something God and I continue to work on together. I know only He and He alone can and will ever make me whole and fill me up completely, but it's a hard journey and not something that happens over night.

At this point into my grief journey, the rest of the world, family, and friends have moved on. That's one of the painful parts of grief, when you're left walking it on your own, but I'm learning to do that and I am thankful for the special few who do help me remember Hailey on her birthday or on a holiday or on any random day.

Today my feelings surrounding Hailey's life and death are intertwined with my feelings surrounding my current pregnancy (and today just happens to mark 2 months to my due date). It's a definite mixture of negative and positive emotions. The grief over losing Hailey has definitely made it hard to experience hopefulness, joy, and excitement over her brother growing inside me. And I've found this stage of my grief much more difficult than say last year at this time, probably because of everything this new pregnancy has stirred up...

In a nutshell, as I've said before, the grief isn't as 'bad' as it was initially following Hailey's death, but it's still there, and some days are 'bad.' I still miss her. I still cry over her. Some days when I'm alone with my thoughts and all is quiet, the void she left is very present and results in tears. Some days the tears want to come (and often do) from something random - whether it be  a commercial on TV, a random stranger's baby girl dressed in one of the outfits Hailey used to wear,  or decorations in a friend's nursery or baby shower invite that we'd used with Hailey. I still wonder what life would have been like with her. I still have a hard time answer questions like "How many kids do you have?" "Is this your first pregnancy?" and choosing to inform them that I had a daughter who passed away...

But like I used to write about (can't remember where or I'd link to it), I try to spend more of my time in the present than in the past filled with pain or in the future which fills me with worry and fear, but it's hard... Sometimes trying to be in the present makes me lose out on remembering Hailey like I sometimes want to (which is another difficult issue I'm having lately with my grief is how to do that) and makes me lose out on dreaming of a future with her brother... But most days it's all I can do to feel sane. And so perhaps I might characterize where I am on my grief journey by comparing it to being in a battle. I feel like I'm being pulled in multiple directions with multiple and often contrasting thoughts and feelings. One day is good. The next is bad. One day I feel at peace. The next I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and discontent. One day I laugh. The next I cry and don't want to leave my bed. I'm all over the place. In fact, some days the battles get pretty bad. I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books, The Shack:

“…pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly…And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place” (p. 97).

That quote absolutely resonates with me right now. I know some days I'm venturing into a dangerous place as a result of my grief. I'm trying to remember I'm created to fly, I'm created for a purpose, I'm created to dream, I'm part of a greater plan... Some days, it's just hard for my mind to convince my heart of that because I can't see beyond the pain.

But thankfully, on these days where I'm in the midst of the battle most of the time I'm trying too hard to analyze the battle and have my past and future figured out, and in these moments, God reminds me of the same thing he reminds the main character in The Shack:

“…you don’t need to have it all figured out. Just be with Me” (p. 178).

So that's where I am today, 1 year, 4 months, 4 weeks without Hailey. Sitting in a beautiful mess of grief trying to figure it all out which tends to create more mess, all the while trying to focus on God's truth and promises and knowing that I need to stop creating this mess and just be still and be with Him... (and if this post reads like a bit of a messy rambling, I think that's just reflective of where I am right now...)

Mother's Day 2011

I've come to learn that there are many 'types' of mothers.

There are mothers who have (living) children of their own.

There are mothers who are pregnant and expecting.

There are mothers who have children they've adopted as their own.

There are mothers who have lost babies and lost children.

There are even mothers whose children have four legs and a tail.

And then there are those who have mother's hearts and desire nothing more than to be a mother in the first sense of the word, but can't for one reason or another. But they may still be mothers... Perhaps they've given birth to an idea or a project. Perhaps they take on the role of mothering to their neighbor's children, to relative's children, to students, to the babies in a church nursery. I think they are still mothers.

How do you define a mother? I suppose most choose one of the first few 'types' of mothers when they think of their definition. For me, I'm working on how I define myself as a mother, an identity that in 2009 I felt was given and taken away from me.

As I mentioned in my last post, perhaps this Mother's Day is easier for me because this year I fall under the category of expectant mom with a round protruding belly that makes it easy for others to identify my as a mother (at the mall today I had 3 strangers say something in reference to me having a Happy Mother's Day tomorrow, all because they saw my belly. I'm not going to lie, that recognition felt wonderful). However, as I've also mentioned before, I don't want to be recognized just as an expectant mom who some might assume to be a first time mom since they see no other child with me...

In a sense, I'm two types of moms, and I'll always be. That first type that I am, the babylost mother, is the hard one to be recognized as and hard to live as. But even though I am not celebrating this Mother's Day with my 17 month old little girl named Hailey beside me, I am still her mother.

Today, I'm celebrating being a mother of two, of one who has passed who I'm waiting to be reunited with in heaven and of one who I'm carrying inside of me waiting to meet. Today, I'm embracing my identity and incredible journey as two types of mothers, a babylost mother and an expectant mother.

To my two babies, I thank God for you both every day and for the time he has given me with each of you. I marvel at you and am completely in love with you. I may not be the typical mother to either of you right now, but I'm proud to be your mother nonetheless. I love you both more than words can describe. Love you always and forever, Your Momma

I have to finish by sharing some beautiful words that I've read this weekend in hopes of encouraging you today wherever you are:

To all women today, "happy Mother's Day. You may or may not have children....may or may not be married....but you are a woman in whom God has placed a 'nurturing' gene that reaches out to comfort and encourage. So celebrate the fact that God made you a woman...and He is for you." Mary Southerland

"Motherhood is deep, complex and mysterious.  Motherhood changes you — whether we have children to hold or mothers to embrace." Bonnie Gray

I also have to share this amazing article I read today called "How to Celebrate Grieving and Joy on Mother's Day" (can you tell why the article peaked my interest?) - It's a must read for everyone!

Happy Mother's Day! (especially to my own mom and mother-in-law) - Love you both!