Facing Deployment: What I Need My Civilian Friends and Family To Know

Our family is currently on block leave. For those of you non-military, or civilian, folk out there, you can think of block leave as a period of 30 days soldiers have to be on vacation with their families before a deployment. The second week of our block leave was spent with our families back home in Illinois. What I realized about this trip was that no one really knows what to say to a family who is about to experience a deployment. This is our family's first deployment, and coming from non-military families and non-military community, this is new to our extended families and friends as well. Nonetheless, I was still surprised that no one really knew what to say, and often because of that didn't say anything. To me it almost felt like a big elephant in the room, but that might just have been me... Still I felt there were countless moments with our families and friends in Illinois, especially as we said goodbyes, were I was longing from someone to say something to my husband or myself regarding the deployment, but no one really said anything. Usually there was the just the, "Be safe over there," which is appreciated, but leaves so much unsaid and left me desiring more.

With all that said, I believe our friends and family deeply do care about what my husband (and I) are about to experience this next year, but I realized they probably lack the knowledge and words to express and support us like we already need. That's what this post is about.

Some of you, especially you military folk, have probably seen this blog post circulating around social networks lately, and I'm about to share it as well because it is so good. I was honestly about to write a similar blog post in my head during the 8 hr drive home to TN from IL when I was pulling up my feed reader and came across this post I'm about to share that said so much more and did it so well.

Whether it's a family's first or fifth deployment, deployment is hard. It's hard on a family. It's hard on a marriage. It's something 99% of the country could never understand... But we who experience the deployment firsthand need the rest of you so we can make it through it.

So here it is... If you desire to pray for Josh, myself, and/or Isaac while Josh is deployed or want to know what difficulties we'll be facing and when and how we might need encouragement, PLEASE READ THIS. Read it as though it's written from my perspective. It doesn't cover everything, but it's a great start.

(One more thing before I get to the post... If you'd like to be praying but need extra guidance with what to pray about even after reading this post, this resource I'm about to share the link to is GREAT. I carry a copy of this with me in my Bible. It's called "Prayers for Our Military and Their Families." Consider printing it out and keeping it with you somewhere where you will be reminded to be praying.

What I Wish my Civilian Friends Knew: A Letter from a Military Wife

by Catherine Fitzgerald

Dear Civilian Friend,

The other day you said to me, “I always want to minister to you, but I don’t know how.” I know I haven’t made it easy on you to figure out the “how.” Blame it on Rosie the Riveter and her “I can do it all” attitude or perhaps Lifetime’s Army Wives and their ability to solve all the drama of military life in 60 minutes or less. Blame it on the pride that comes with this lifestyle, constantly whispering in my ear, asking for help is showing weakness. It’s not fair to you. Or me. Because you want to help and I need it. So here it is. Everything I wished you knew but I can’t seem to tell you. 

First and foremost, I need your prayers. Pray for strength and endurance during yet another separation from the love of my life. Pray for my kids because they are struggling without daddy right now. No matter how old they are, no matter how many deployments they’ve been through, every separation is hard on them. And nothing hurts a momma more than to see her kiddos hurting and knowing there is nothing I can do. Pray for my husband. Pray for his safety. Pray for his mind to be able to process the ugliness of war. Pray for our marriage, that it can endure the trials and temptations that come with every departure. Pray for our country and the leaders in charge of putting our husband and father in harm’s way. Just above all else, pray for me, friend.

You should know that I probably won’t ask for much. In fact, you should probably just adopt a “don’t ask, just tell” policy with me. I am coming to watch your kids Monday night. I am coming to mow your lawn next Tuesday. This will be much more effective with me than a blanket “Let me know if you need anything.” Like I said, blame it on Rosie the Riveter or this stubborn pride of mine, but I probably won’t ask you for the help I so desperately need. And if I do, know that it took A LOT for me to get to that point so never make me feel bad about it because I may not ask again. I know the air filter was really dirty and should have been cleaned months ago, but I’m just doing the best that I can, a day at a time.

I need you to walk with me through this deployment. How this translates in real, practical terms is different for each one of us but try and figure it out. Many days I am treading water and can feel like I am about to go under. It may be a break from the kids. Sometimes a trip to the grocery store alone can feel like a day at the spa. Come give my kids a bath and help me get them to bed and I will feel like a new woman. Carry the baby asleep in the carseat to my car and the burden will literally feel lighter. Take my trash can to the curb every Wednesday night so I don’t awake in a panic at midnight and have to run outside to do it. Invite me for dinner so the nights don’t feel so lonely. Ask me to spend the holidays with you because I am so far from my family. Drop off dinner so I don’t have to cook one night. Help fix that leaky faucet so I don’t have to figure out which plumber won’t rip me off in this town I am new in. Come clean my bathrooms because I can never get to them. Mow my yard without even asking. Change the oil in my car, something my husband usually does, so that I don’t have to lug the babies to Jiffy Lube. Watch my kids while I go to the doctor so I don’t have to pay for another babysitter. Offer to come stay the night so I can sleep soundly and not jump at every creak I hear. Just come over and chat, I missing having someone to talk to. Listen to me and you will probably figure out quickly some ways you can show me you care.

Keep encouraging me. Bear with me through this whole deployment. It is like a death. At the beginning, the offers of help and words of encouragement are plentiful, but as I near the end, weary and tired, when I need it the most, they trail off. Remind me of God’s word and His promises. I can become consumed in missing my man and I need to constantly be told that God has a purpose and plan for me in this life just as much as he has one for my husband. Help me find it because sometimes my vision gets so clouded with tears.

I know you don’t every understand everything about my life. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s taken years for me to learn this many acronyms. I want you to understand more and I don’t mind explaining. You don’t have to pity me, but I want your empathy. If you see me huddling with my fellow military wives, don’t think I don’t want to let you in. It’s just that we speak the same language and we have seen each other at the lowest points so we are bonded in an incredible way. That doesn’t mean I don’t desire to have a close bond with you too. But, they are just my default. You can offer me a perspective outside of this life. I need that.

Please know I am grateful for all your help. Though I may not write you a thank you card for each and every act, know I so appreciate it. I know I can get wrapped up in my own hardships and sometimes I forget to ask how I can pray for you. I am sorry. I know God’s comfort so I should be comforting you in your difficulties with the same comfort I have received. I need to work on that. And I need to help you with your needs as well and use the gifts and talents He has given me in ministering to you. Just because my husband is gone, doesn’t mean I can’t serve you. I know it is better to give than to receive.

We are not that different. My husband just took a job where the uncertainty of life is simply in our faces all the time. You sometimes can pretend you are in control of your life. I know I am not. God can use that as a launching pad for an incredible faith and trust in Him. Or Satan can use that to send me into a whirlwind of fear. Help me out of the spiral of anxiety if you see me spinning in it.

I’m glad I was able to tell you all the things I never did before. I hope this helps you figure out how to minister to me. I should have told you sooner, but I just didn’t know how. I need you more than ever these days as the deployments keep coming and the challenges get harder and harder with each moment. Our family can’t do this calling without you so thank you for noticing us and caring enough to show us we aren’t alone in this.

Thank you, friend.

Love,

A Military Wife

About Catherine:

Catherine Fitzgerald is the proud wife a U.S. Marine. She was a contributor to Faith Deployed…Again and wrote the group study guides for Faith Deployed and Faith Deployed…Again. She currently lives just outside of Wilmington, North Carolina. Her husband is a CH-53 Helicopter pilot and together they have two children, Grace and Asher. She currently leads a ministry called Operation: Hope Front that ministers to the needs of fellow military families in her area through her local church. Her family also serves in the college ministry, where she has found an endless supply of babysitters and lawn mowers for every deployment.

Better than I deserve

Today was a really amazing day. Nothing life changing or huge or anything like that, and what I write may seem trivial because it is trivial in the grand scheme of things, but it's still extraordinary nonetheless and that is because I saw God at work in the midst of my "trivial" day in very evident, clear, and tangible ways. And today I was also reminded that God treats me better than I deserve.

For the past week I have been on my own taking care of the house and Isaac while my husband has been away training. This is the first separation we've had since Isaac has been born where I haven't had help (and it happens to be for a rather significant period of time, although nothing like it will be when he deploys). As life would have it, just when I thought things were perfect and I had him all figured out, when things were predictable and wonderful, and when we had extra help from my mother-in-law, as soon as I'm on my own with Isaac things go haywire...

To keep it short and simple (which I'm usually quite bad at doing but I'll try), his entire sleep/ nap/ awake/ eating schedule changed, and every day it changed. He was fussier than normal. He was having some episodes of serious, painful, inconsolable crying. He was having digestive issues. He was having sleep issues. There were a lot of issues let's just say. Plus, with me being his only playmate (besides Opie), when we're alone together all day, let's just say he can get pretty bored of me, which is tough on us both when he isn't wanting to self-entertain...and I'll be the first to admit I am not a natural baby entertainer although I wish I were. Despite all the frustration, exhaustion, stress, and so on, we managed to have fun, we made it through each day just fine, and each day I went to bed knowing I was the best mom that I could be to him.

But then today happened. Today was yet another day of unpredictability, things going "wrong," Isaac not napping, still having digestive problems, etc... and I finally let it get the best of me. I was becoming the mom I didn't want to be. In my frustration, I lost my patience, my self-control, and started to complain and have a negative attitude. I was upset with myself and was trying to keep it together, but I knew my heart wasn't right. Sadly, the one thing I had to look forward to was a trip out to Target just to get us out of the house and give me a little break.

And then, in the midst of my grumbling spirit this afternoon, God began to give me answer after answer, all in a row, to my list of "small" little prayers I'd prayed hours before right around the time I stopped being filled with the Spirit and started being filled with my own negativity and grumbling.

Isaac actually slept for over an hour for his second nap. I got to have a real time conversation via text messages with my husband, and then an actual phone call with him once Isaac woke up. Isaac's digestive problems seemed to have finally cleared up (this is the second time in my life where I've never been so happy to change a poopy diaper). I discovered Isaac has his two upper teeth coming in, I can see both of them, but only feel the one cutting through, which gives me some of the wisdom and understanding that I've been so desperately desiring. Then as we went to Target for our fun little outing, I was pleasantly surprised to find a ton of great "treasures" for my Hailey's Hope care packages. And when I arrived home and checked my email, a problem I'd been having for over two months with childcare on post that crept up again this morning was solved and I received an actual apology! In a matter of a couple of hours, I'd been given all the answers to everything I was struggling with this morning.

I was so very thankful and praising God, but I was also humbled. I felt undeserving to receive them all after I reached my low, after grumbling, when I know the Lord does not appreciate complainers (especially when it's the very things I'm studying right now during my quiet times - the Israelites grumbling in the desert in the book of Numbers). And trust me, I know these things that frustrated me, are truly not a big deal, and you may be wondering why I even wrote such a long post on things that seem so trivial or silly... But I'm writing them down so I remember this day because of these clear ways that God answered my prayers because I don't even want to take the "small" things for granted... and honestly, these "small" things were quite big for me in the moment where I'm learning who He wants me to be as a mom and wife when my husband is in the Army and does get called away from his family, and it's challenging. But I am so very thankful to have a God who hears even my smallest of prayers, who fills me with His spirit to enable me to be the patient, self-controlled, positive, godly mother I desire to be and who he desires me to be, who blesses me more than I deserve.

~

Anyway else keep thinking Dave Ramsey while reading this? hehe ;)

Army Life Update

I know it's been awhile since my last post. This time the brief hiatus was due to hosting and entertaining many family visitors in the past week and a half. The primary reason for so many visitors (8 in total) around the same time was because everyone wanted to spend time with Josh before he deployed. While having so many people temporarily 'living' with us (9 including us plus our dog at one time in our 3 bedroom house) was a bit overwhelming at times, spending time with family and having family come to us was a real treat! Some of the highlights included having our deck built, Josh's grandma helping me learn to use my new sewing machine, giving our visitors tours of the area, and home cooked meals.

Last week, after most of our visitors had left and while my mom was in the middle of her stay, I received a text message from my husband with the final answer that we had been waiting to hear for the past 3 months. You see, since my husband received orders back in December-ish for Fort Campbell, where my husband was going and when has remained up in the air. At first he wasn't going to be deploying, then he was, then he wasn't, then he was. Last I knew and reported on the blog, he was deploying. Then we learned there was only 1 slot available and 2 people available and planning on filling it, Josh being one of them. Therefore, this meant waiting to hear back about which one of them was going to be chosen for the slot to deploy. While waiting, Josh remained on pre-deployment training. When we were almost 2 weeks from him possibly leaving for a year, I finally got the news...

Josh will not be deploying anymore. Instead, he will be switching units and is likely to deploy Fall 2012 (but we all know how that can change!).

I cannot begin to describe how relieved I was to have an answer regarding our future. Most people think I was relieved because my husband isn't deploying so soon anymore, but really, I was most relieved just to know something. Mentally and emotionally I had prepared myself and was in the mindset that my husband was going to be deploying for a year and leaving this month. We had thought maybe a quicker deployment would be best for his career and our family, and so we were good with that decision and ready for it, but God had other plans, and we are good with the plans he has for us.... I just wish it hadn't involved so much uncertainty, waiting, and patience.

So my husband and I will remain together for now until the Army decides to call him away from home for real next time. I'm thankful to have him by my side as we start our journey together at Fort Campbell.

Viewing Deployment as a Loss

The month of February was a very hard month for me. I felt like everything had come crumbling down on me. I felt tired. I felt weary. I felt exhausted with my life that seems to be throwing challenge after challenge at me last year and this year. Some days I would feel so bad and be struggling greatly emotionally, even more so than I did when I lost my daughter. And one of the most frustrating things that I didn't understand why I suddenly felt as bad as I did.

I found myself moody, irritable, and crying all the time. Sure I had things going on in my life that were contributing to the way I felt: still grieving the deaths of my daughter and father, moving from the home and friends I came to have in Alabama to a new home and community, learning of my husband's deployment, being pregnant again after our loss, and so on. But I wasn't just stressed about these things. I new there was something more going on, I just couldn't figure out what it was.

And then I read something that gave me my answer for why I was as emotional and depressed as I was.

I was mourning.

I wasn't just continuing the mourning process with Hailey and my dad, I was mourning another loss. I was mourning 3 losses at the same time and they were compounding each other.

I didn't realize what the third loss was that I was mourning until I read this article online.

I had been mourning the loss of my husband.

Now let me explain myself. No my husband is not dead, no my husband is not terminally ill, or anything of that sort. What my husband is, is deploying to Afghanistan for a year.

I wasn't viewing his pending deployment as a time of being separated by distance. I was viewing it as a literal loss in my life.

My mind became engulfed in the ideas that once he deploys I will be alone. I won't have my best friend with me. I won't be able to talk to him every day. I won't be able to do things with him. I will have to go through this pregnancy and (God-willing) this birth and raising a newborn alone. I won't have him. I will have to do everything alone. I will go from being married to being alone and single and perhaps a single parent. My mind focused on alone, and I somehow unknowingly began to view my husband's  deployment as a loss.

In my mind, I had lost my daughter, my dad, and a year later I was losing my husband. My mind started to question God, Why are you taking all of the people I love away from me?

I was completely treating his upcoming deployment like I was grieving over losing him.

I'm so thankful I stumbled on that article to make me realize what I was doing. But I'm more thankful for what else the article made me realize.

These words:

"Even when he was deployed, he was still my husband. Although I miss him when he is gone, that is a very different type of absence than that felt by someone who is widowed or separated. We still have our love and our mutual support and our commitment to working together on our relationship and our parenting... Geographical separation is not the same as separation by divorce or death."

I read that and a light bulb went off in my head. I was completely treating the scenario like it was a death. But it's not. He is still my husband. We will still support each other. We will still love each other. We will still have each other. Just not like we've been used to. I still have my husband, even when he's deployed, we will just have a geographical separation. Now of course there is the chance with any deployment that there could be real loss, but an Army wife can't go there, and that's not what any of this was about with me.

Reading this article gave me immediate relief. No exaggeration. It gave me the reminders and perspective I needed to have. Because of this, I am more ready to face this deployment and to give the support and love to my husband that he needs right now.

Is Unfavorable Really Favorable?

(I first wrote a draft of this post the day after my birthday, on January 24th, but I've been holding off on publishing it until my husband and I had confirmed what it's about. And this is really a 2 parter, but I'm leaving it as one.)

Part 1: The News

In a couple of months husband is going on a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan. (Update: In fact, he is meeting up with a unit that deployed soon after we moved here in Feb; he will be leaving in mid-April for his tour).

The news of deployment is not necessarily shocking when your husband is in the Army, but this piece of news was a little unexpected because his original orders had him deploying in the spring of 2012, over a year from now. Now his deployment has been bumped up a year and is happening very quickly after our move.

I have to admit, when I first found out the initial news, which was two days before my birthday, I felt such a contradiction of emotions. Many feelings of being thankful for the news and many feelings of sorrow over it.

As a supportive Army wife, I was thankful to have him deploying. I knew since before marrying him that deployments are a part of his career and fulfilling his purpose that God has given him. I know that it's now our family's turn to serve in this way that so many families before us have served. Soldiers leave their families and serve, new soldiers come and take their place so those other soldiers can return home to their families, and it's our turn. Also, I knew that for my husband to have the career he wants to have as an officer in the Army, a deployment now is what's best for him. The supportive Army wife in me is excited and proud to have him deploying.

As a mom expecting her second child this summer, I am also thankful at the news of having him deploy sooner rather than later. The reason being that my husband was either going to miss an entire year of our child's life or only 5-6 months. In our opinion as parents, we'd prefer to have my husband miss some of the pregnancy and the early months of our baby's life as opposed to have him miss our baby growing up from 6 months old to 18 months old.

However...

Like I said, while I was feeling excited, thankful, and other 'positive' emotions regarding the news, I also had plenty of negative ones.

Even though I had an idea of what I signed up for when I married the the Army (as most spouses do), let's just be honest, no Army wife really enjoys a deployment. We understand it, we support it, we're proud of our husbands, and so on... But we don't look forward to it, and it can be really hard on a spouse, a marriage, and a family.

So with that side of me in mind, it was hard to think that after the year of pain and grief and times of struggle our marriage has experienced in the last year, that this next year will be one spent apart with its own struggles and trials. That thought makes the news kind of hard to accept. In my mind, after the past year of grief and mourning that we've had, I'd love to have this year to be spent as a honeymoon year of sorts... relaxing... enjoying each other... having fun... exploring our new home and community in TN... delighting in this new, exciting pregnancy... and so on, but that doesn't seem to be what's planned for us. It's also hard to imagine myself separated from my husband for a year in light of all we've been through because in this crazy Army life, he's my only constant. He's my family. He's my best friend. He's my everything. Army life and this past year have made me quite dependent on him, which is possibly a bad thing if perhaps I've become too dependent... But anyway, this will be a hard separation emotionally for me... especially considering that we'll have been in our new house, in a new community, in a new state, only a couple of months at most before he leaves.

And of course, while the way his orders work out are good for our new family, the other side of the coin is that it's also  completely difficult and scary to have him deployed while I'm pregnant. To have a pregnant wife with a deployed husband is not something new in the military. It happens all the time. However, for us, for me, this is harder than most cases I'd think. Considering everything that happened with Hailey and my fears associated with this pregnancy, not having my husband by my side during this pregnancy and the chance of him not being there when the baby is born (especially if something does go wrong) is really hard.

So while the news hit me with completely conflicting and contradictory emotions, I also have to admit that when the slightest thing upsets me, I let it snowball into something terrible... and this time was no different. My mind and heart immediately narrowed in on the negatives and started going through doubts, fears, and worries making me feel anxious, stressed, scared, sad, distraught... and ultimately questioning God.

At times, I feel like when we moved to Alabama, my life drastically shifted paths. My life went from calm, expected, carefree, innocent, and full... feeling like I had it all... to a life of change and pain. The biggest events obviously being the deaths of our first baby and my dad. After a very hard year of grieving and healing, I felt like maybe that season of hurting was over and that good things were ahead. However, as I learned, I'm not guaranteed a good life or happiness here on earth, so a part of me has almost become cynical about this life, wondering if there will be reasons for joy and hope this side of heaven for me. And just when I feel like there might be, feeling more and more healed from my grief, finding out the joyous and wonderful news that we're expecting again... that joy almost immediately gets hit with the news of my husband's pending deployment. I felt like I couldn't get a break. That it's one thing after another after another...

Again, in all honesty, after my mind started snowballing like this, I began crying and crying and praying and praying. My ramblings to God went something like this:

God, why is this your plan? Why have you called my husband to be in the Army? Why have you called me to be an Army wife? Why is this all happening to me? First Hailey, then my dad, then everything in the aftermath of their losses, then to learn we're pregnant again, and then this... Please God give me some insight and wisdom into your plan. I want to be happy. No, I want to be content with my life. But Lord I feel so discontent! I don't understand the pain. I know you have a plan. I know you can make something good out of pain you don't intend. I know what your word says about life. I know what you say about suffering. But Lord, I just don't know how to do it anymore... Can't I just have a good life here on earth too? I want a favorable life and I feel like everything I'm being given is unfavorable. Lord I want to be a faithful servant of yours, but I'm having a hard time keeping the faith and being content. Honestly, I seem to be having a hard time trusting. Please Lord help me trust. I just feel at a loss...

I prayed and cried and prayed some more. I went over and over various Bible verses I've memorized over the years reminding myself of God's promises for my life, but I was just feeling disconnected, like I was pushing myself away from God for not understanding him... But I did what I learned to do in the past year, and that's to turn toward God even when I feel like running. So after my session of crying and praying, I wrote down my cries and prayers to God in my faith journal and then opened my Bible to where I'd last left off in my study of the book of Jeremiah.

Part 2: God Speaks

I began to read Jeremiah 42, praying God had written something for me in this moment of need. Anything italicized comes directly from the notes I wrote that night in my journal as I read Jeremiah 42:

Vs. 6 "Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God...so that it will go well for us." Lord I need faith like that... I fear what you want for me, I view it as unfavorable, and all I can say is I don't want it... Help me to accept your plans...)

Vs. 7 - 10 days later Jeremiah received an answer from the Lord to give to the people (there was a period of waiting, an immediate answer was not given)

Vs. 9 - answer - WOW- God are you speaking to me?! God answers - if you do what is unfavorable in your eyes, but what I command, then "I will build you up" "Do not be afraid... of [what] you now fear" Butif they disobey do what they think is favorable, then God will bring sword, famine, death, etc.


God's people were told that if they stay in the land Babylon had control over (something that certainly seemed unfavorable and dangerous to them where they thought they would see war, poverty, hunger, etc.), that he will protect them and essentially bless them. God also told his people that if they flee to Egypt (something that seemed favorable to them where they thought they would be safe and free of struggles), that they will in fact face all the things they feared and he warned them that they will die there. In the next chapter, they accuse Jeremiah of lying, refusing to believe those were God's words, and go to Egypt in disobedience... (If you want to know the rest of what happens, well, you can read it, or know that what God said would happen, happened).

After reading this passage that night, I seemed to feel like I was with God's remnant there, I say I want to obey God and do what he calls me to do, yet, when I have God's answer and call for my life, and it seems unfavorable to me, my initial reaction is to say no, that can't be, that doesn't seem right, and go on my own way, leading me into destruction. Thankfully, this passage enlightened me to something before I could go that way. I'm viewing the future God called us to as unfavorable, but perhaps what looks unfavorable, will really turn out to be favorable, where God may spare us from certain hardships, bless us in return for our faith, etc. I'll say one thing, it sure gives me courage to go into this deployment knowing it's what God is calling us to do. It's for a reason, and like always, I just need to trust in God and not worry about the reason.

1st Time Home Owners; Home is where the heart is

Dec  16: (Sorry in advance for any typos and grammatical/spelling errors or parts that sound jumbled – I wrote this quickly and have limited access to the Internet – Hope to blog again soon though because I have more to share since I wrote this!)

Dec 15: I’m writing this post on my first night in our new home in Tennessee (it’s getting published tomorrow – today when you’re reading this – because we don’t have a connection to the Internet yet). I’m all cozy on an air mattress in what will be our master bedroom with my puppy sleeping beside me. But before I get into everything, I want to start at the beginning.

This past Sunday, our dog and I headed from our home in Alabama to Ft. Campbell, KY so that I could be at the final walk through of our house at 9am on Monday. Unfortunately, my trip coincided with the major snowstorm that hit much of the country. Thankfully, I drove for 5 hours making great time while taking my time before I hit any bad weather. As I entered Tennessee, I also entered the snowstorm. The usual 7 hr drive (including stops) turned to almost 9 hrs. The weather was terrible, the roads were even worse. I lost track of all the cars I drove by in ditches and all the accidents I saw. As my journey neared its destination, the interstate seemed to turn to a block of ice, and I, and what seemed like rush hour traffic surrounding me, slowed to a 10mph crawl. While I felt like I was holding back a heart attack during my entire drive and drove with every muscle in my body tense, I was perfectly content to drive 10 mph. Slowly but surely and safely I reached my destination, our friend’s house where I’ve stayed the past few days.

Monday morning my friend, who became my stand in husband for me at times, accompanied me to our new house for the final walk through. Everything went fairly well. Our long list of items to be fixed and finished was about 80-90% complete, which was good, but still not good enough for me to be feeling completely excited yet since that meant that there were of course items that still needed to be taken care of before our scheduled closing on Wednesday. The builders ensured me that the items remaining would be taken care of that day and that I needn’t worry.

The rest of Monday and Tuesday was spent waiting, sometimes impatiently, for closing on Wednesday to roll around. Thankfully Opie and I had friends to keep us company and hang out with so we managed to keep ourselves somewhat busy.

Finally Wednesday (today as I’m writing this) rolled around. We had one more walk through at 1pm today to see that the remaining items were indeed finished and much to my relief, the house was finally ready for us take ownership of! Immediately following, I made my way over to our closing at 2pm.

If you haven’t been following, I’ve been doing this all on my own this week. So with my power of attorney, I got the privilege of signing both of our names to what seemed like well over 100 forms. The whole process was pretty simple. Thankfully, I’ve seen most of the forms and figures beforehand and went in knowledgeable about what I was doing and what to expect, otherwise, I don’t think I would have had a clue what the guy was having me sign and do.

After I signed the last document and copies were being made, the builders handed over what seemed like 20 different keys and our garage door openers to me – that was the first moment since we started this process of buying a home that I finally felt a little flutter in my heart and felt excited.

All the hurdles and obstacles and what seemed like millions of things to do were finally over. Everything was done. The house was perfect. It was ready. It’s ours!

This evening Tennessee and Kentucky were supposed to get a possible ice storm so immediately after leaving closing, I found my way to the electric and water companies to have the house’s utilities transferred to our names. Then I made a quick stop at Walmart on the way back to our new house to pick up a few things I needed to get me through the night. Finally, I made my way to our new home with my keys in hand, packed car, and puppy in the front seat.

I can’t tell you how good it felt to open that garage door, unlock our door, and walk into our home that we own!

Before unpacking the car with everything I needed for the next two weeks of temporarily living here on and off, I walked Opie to the door and gave him a little pep talk about how this is going to be his new home, and then I let him loose in the house. He sprinted and bounded every which way, in and out of rooms, as happy as can be. He even ran into every room and hopped his front paws up onto every window ledge to look at all his views. And of course, eventually he got to check out his two decks and his backyard. He truly seemed super excited for his new house – well minus the time he slipped and got stuck in the deck stairs and yelped bloody murder (don’t worry, I saved him and he’s okay).

But I have to say, as truly excited as I am to be in our new house and to be a first time home owner… it’s just not the same without my husband here. It’s been quite lonely and somewhat scary doing all this on my own this week. I really wish my husband could have been here so that we could have walked into our new home together, spent the first night in our new home together, and so on…

As strange as this may sound, even though I’m finally in our new home, I feel a little homesick. As I’ve thought about my homesick feelings this week, I think military life is officially settling in on me… because what home am I sick for? The one in Alabama where we’ve been renting and have lived for a year and half and have been ready to move from? What about our homes back in Illinois? What home am I sick for? What home is mine? And really, I’m not homesick for any of my homes. I’m homesick for my husband. He’s where my home is. We make each other’s home, and without him, things just aren’t the same. Thankfully, he’ll be driving up from Alabama and should be here to join me in our new home by Saturday morning… so I just need to survive a few more days on my own. And even though I have Opie, it’s still pretty lonely without my husband.

And I’m not going to lie…being in this new, unfamiliar, empty house, in a new town, a new state, at night, with curtain-less windows everywhere…I’m a little scared to be on my own. And as odd or as pathetic as it may be, not having an Internet connection and no television makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Even though our house is in a neighborhood, it feels like I may as well be in the middle of nowhere… which makes it a little bit scarier. But at least I have my phone, my laptop, and DVDs to give me that sense of technological connection to something.

Overall, this week with traveling, buying a house, temporarily moving, etc. has been at times boring, stressful, busy, overwhelming, and I've felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I am thankful to God for our new beautiful home that we'll be able to spend the next few years of our lives in. It's perfect and I love it. I just can't wait to official move in now!

But no matter what physical dwelling I come to call my home in the coming years as the military moves around and around, my real home will always be where my heart is - and that's with Christ and with my husband.

*   *  *  *

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Ephesians 3:17
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

An update on Army life

Just wanted to do a quick post tonight because I'm sleepy and I'm not sure when I'll have time to post again in the near future because we're going out of town again.

So that leads me to my first update. Josh and I are heading up to Ft. Campbell this weekend to do our first round of house hunting together. We're leaving Thursday afternoon (with Opie!) and staying at our friend's house, and we'll come back to AL on Monday. I'm so thankful Josh was able to take leave and come with me! Really you have no idea how blessed we are to have time to do some of this together! Last week we started with over 40 houses on our list (seriously) and cut it in half together when I came home from my first recon mission. However, as we continue to talk to fellow Army families who have been to Campbell and as we continue to search online, our list is growing again (the buyers' market out there is crazy!). Thankfully, we are going to have a real estate agent help us this weekend. I'm so excited to be able to actually go inside of these houses we've only seen online or that I've only driven by! So it will be a busy, but fun weekend.

My other piece of news is that Josh finally found out what unit he's being sent to. And like with all things Army, this wasn't an easy task. Yesterday he received an email notifying him that his 'unofficial' written orders were available online. Unfortunately, he also spent all day yesterday trying to access them but of course the websites and logins and whatever else just happened to be not working ... But finally today, he was able to access and view them.

And... (drumroll)...

He's being sent to the 101st Aviation Brigade.

Now I'm sure none of you know what this means and maybe you don't even care what it means... but I'll try to explain briefly what this means for Josh and me.

First, it's still unofficial and therefore can still change. But essentially if it's correct, it means that he will most likely not be seeing  a deployment while we are stationed at Ft. Campbell. Good news for me and all of my selfish reasons for wanting him with me. Somewhat bad news for what he wants, his career, and so on.

But like I said, this is what we know now and are dealing with now, but nothing is ever set in stone with the Army and so what I'm writing today may not actually turn out to be true... This is our Army life... knowing but not knowing... just as fun as the hurry up and wait ...  So we'll just have to see where the Army takes us. But thank God that He is ultimately in control of everything!

So if I don't post again for another week, that's why... But hopefully I'll come back with some fun house hunting adventures to share about!

The next chapter...

Well if you haven't heard yet, my husband finally received his unofficial orders and the Army is sending us to Ft. Campbell (which lies on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee) next. Unfortunately, we are still waiting to find out when exactly it is that we'll be reporting there (as of right now all we know is that we will be going there any time between January and March).

Over the summer, when we put in our choices for where we'd like to be stationed next, we listed Hawaii, Campbell, and Bragg. Because Josh was towards the top of the OML (order of merit list), we had reason to hope that we would get one of our choices, but when 2 months passed and we still had no orders, we began to worry that things might be getting a little messed up and that we might not get any of our choices - with the Army, you never really know what to expect.

So I was ecstatic on Tuesday when I received Josh's text message, "Going to Campbell." My heart did a little dance and flip in my chest I swear! We got one of our choices! I was so thrilled and happy. To make us appreciate this blessing even more, I later learned that Josh was the only active duty Black Hawk pilot out of 3 sections to get Ft. Campbell and no other active duty Black Hawk pilot got either of our other choices. Unfortunately, this means that there quite a few people found out they are going somewhere they didn't necessarily want to go.

We're both excited to be going to Campbell for many reasons. First of all, it's one of the nicer places for us to be stationed in the U.S. The surrounding area is beautiful, we'll be close to civilization again, we'll be able to make trips out to Nashville whenever we want - a city I just love, and we've heard so many wonderful things about it! The location is also great for us because it's the closest we'll be to living near our families while Josh is in the Army. After this rough year of being apart from them with us all grieving separately and so on, the closer location is very welcomed by us all - it will be an 8 hr drive instead of a+16 hr drive home.

Another reason why both Josh and I are happy with being stationed at Ft. Campbell next is because of what it could mean for his career. Without getting into all the Army details and career path choices and so on, I'll just say this: basically it will give him a good chance of being able to deploy. Yes he wants to deploy and yes having a deployment will help his career as an officer and pilot. Because a deployment is what he wants and needs, I understand and support him for wanting to be at Campbell so that he can have an opportunity to deploy. However, as I've written about once or twice before, while I understand and support him and know that deployment is part of his career and our life, it's still hard.

So while I spent Tuesday and Wednesday almost on a high, extremely thankful to God for matching our desires to go to Ft. Campbell with His desires for us, yesterday the 'other side' hit me.

Like I said, we don't know what unit he'll be with yet or when he'll be going, but there are a couple of units deploying almost immediately after we'd get there. What this possibility meant really started to sink in with me yesterday. I was prepared for  a deployment while we'll be at Campbell, but I was anticipating and hoping it would be a few months out like maybe the beginning next summer so that we'd at least have a few months together to settle into life in our new home and community. But the truth is that he could deploy much sooner and to be completely honest it hid me hard yesterday.

I had went from feeling so happy and blessed to almost the complete opposite... And it reminded me of Hailey (we started off feeling so happy and blessed that we were pregnant to the opposite when we learned she was going to die). But with the news of going to Campbell, it seemed like something in our life was going to go the way we wanted... that life could be good again...that we could look forward to something again...that we could have more reason to be happy and feel God blessing us. It was a good feeling that I haven't really felt since we lost Hailey. And then this reality of a deployment hit and took away all of those positive thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and I began to struggle with God in my heart... and kind of yell at him to be honest... even though I know there's nothing to even yell about right now...but that's what I did...

My mind went from praising God for blessing us with Campbell to me questioning and yelling at him... My thoughts went something like this...

God how could you do this to me? How could you send my husband on a deployment for a year right when we move? Don't you know how hard that timing would be for me? Don't you know what that would do to me? Why do you want to put me through another year of pain? I spent 2010 grieving the deaths of my dad and my daughter and separated from family and friends... don't you know how hard it's been for me God? Sure you've helped me through my pain, but my pain has been there still! And now you could send the man I love on a deployment for 2011 giving me a second consecutive year of pain and heartache? New Year's Eve 2009 I cried because I knew 2010 held nothing "good" for me because I anticipated the deaths of my daughter and dad. God am I going to cry again this New Year's Eve because 2011 is going to be a year without my husband? God I'm not ready for this yet. Is there ever going to be anything I can look forward to here on this Earth?

And then of course when I get like 'this' my bad habit of snowballing and then comparing myself  to others likes to pop in...

God it's so unfair. Why did you create Hailey the way you did? Why have you called me to live the life of a mother who has buried her baby? There are so many women who are happy mothers who everyone calls blessed because they have such beautiful healthy children. Why couldn't I be one of them? Why have you called Josh to be in the Army? Why have you called me to love him and be an Army wife? There are so many families who have the luxury of the security, consistency, and comforts of living in one place, near their families and friends, for their entire lives. Why couldn't we be one of those families? Why do we have to experience what seems like more tragedy and hardship and challenges than the average couple? It's not fair God.

Yep. Those were my honest rambling anxious thoughts last night. Thankfully, my God always comes through for me, even when I'm questioning, anxious, and doing worse case scenarios in my head when I don't even have any facts or details.

I laid around moping most of the night just letting my thoughts play out and my heart cry out to God. I felt God reminding me I hadn't spent any time with him yesterday, and of course in my childishness to that gentle reminder I said, "No God, I don't want to. I'm mad at you right now." To which the voice in my heart said, "You really need to come spend some time with me right now. Please let me talk to you."

And I knew He was right so I dragged myself into my bedroom and grabbed my Bible and journal. I was wondering what God was going to tell me. I've been studying the book of Jeremiah for awhile now and quite frankly it's a little depressing. For those of you who don't know, God called Jeremiah to be a prophet and deliver a message that no one wanted to hear and because of that Jeremiah went through many struggles. He stood alone against a crowd who despised him. He was arrested, imprisoned, almost killed by these people.  His relationship with God is sometimes defined as one of doubts, outbursts, fights, and so on. But through it all, even though he at times questions it, hates it, Jeremiah remains faithful and does what God asks of him. My Bible says Jeremiah is an "example of what it means to follow God in spite of everything." So knowing all of this, I was wondering if God was going to tell me, "Follow Jeremiah's example. He led what some would call an unpleasant, unhappy life, but was obedient to me. You need to be prepared to be like Jeremiah." To which I was ready to tell God, "God this is not what I want or need to hear right now..."

So anyway, the night prior I read Jeremiah chapter 17. I was so tired I didn't do my journaling afterward like usual so instead I did some marking in my Bible. Since I wasn't really feeling "into" my quiet time, but was doing it because God asked, I figured I'd look over what I had underlined in my Bible and go over that again.

"God, what is it that you want me to hear? I need you to come through for me right now in my anxiety and depression. I know they're not good, and they're not things that come from you."

("An anxious heart weighs a man down..." Proverbs 12:25)

(Have I mentioned lately how much I love my Lord and Savior? Cause I do. He's so awesome. You'll see why.) I read the first verse I marked from the night before:

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

"Oh... yeah... I'm not really showing my trust or confidence in you right now, am I God? Hmm... But here is says I will be blessed if I trust in you and place my confidence in you... Yeah. I probably should do that."

Next verse I marked:

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

"Ah it's this popular verse that many people know... Wow Lord.  I am fearing, and I am worrying. I am not how you want me to be. I am not how I want to be. I want to be like the tree planted by water. I don't want to fear. I don't want to worry. If I place my trust and confidence in you, I will be like this tree. Unwavering, grounded or rooted in you and your truths, sustained by you despite all that's going on around me. And what's this last part God... it 'never fails to bear fruit'.... Not only will you sustain me through the hard times, but you will help produce good in me and help me bear fruit... Wow Lord. I see why you wanted to talk to me tonight. This is exactly what I needed to hear."

And then the next verse:

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

"Okay God. Wow. I hear you again. Thank you. Thank you for these truths. Even though I'm rereading these words, it's like you wrote them just for me just for what I'm going through today. Yes, my heart is deceiving me right now. I'm letting my heart run away with my emotions of fear and other things... Yes, I need to check my heart.

I continued to reread the rest of the chapter, underlining some new words that I felt God highlighting for me... reminders of things that helped me deal with my other issue of the night which is my trying to complain my life is unfair compared to that of others:

"...the man who gains riches by unjust means....they will desert him...he will prove to be a fool..." (vs. 11)


"...all who forsake you will be put to shame..." (vs. 13)


¹⁴ Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.

I heard that last verse loud and clear. I read it over and over and over again. It is a truth I know to be true because God has proven it to be true with my grief over and over again this year, yet I still needed a reminder of it. Thank you God for speaking to me.

Before spending this time with God last night, I was feeling anxious beyond belief and imagining a night of tossing and turning ahead for me. After spending this time with God last night and hearing God speak to me, His words brought my turbulent soul comfort and gave me His peace...Exactly what I needed. And so I slept well last night. Today I still wonder about what it might be like if we move and within a month Josh deploys and the hardships that could and will come at some point, but God has given me the wisdom and peace and gentle reminders that let me know I will be okay if that does happen.

I am ready for the next chapter of our lives to begin... whatever that might be... I am ready because I have God by my side.

Oh, and one last thing. Some people think that I match this lifestyle because I am strong, resilient, and so on. Actually, me on my own, I am not a match for this lifestyle. On my own it's my nature to hate change, fear change, be a worry wort, fear being alone, and so on. But thankfully, God is making me into his own. Daily He rids me of myself and fills me with Him.....Without God, I would never make it through this life, let alone make it through my grief, let alone make it as an Army wife. God gives me what I need to not only make it through, but to thrive in doing so. Anything positive you see in me, is God's strength and love shining through my weakness.

Somewhat Random (+2 book reviews)

This post is going to be a quick 'random sprinkling of things' due to my busy day today and the wonderful fact that Josh's family is coming to visit us tomorrow!!

Yay! I'm so excited about that you have no idea. Since we live almost a thousand miles away from our families, we aren't able to see them often, which makes us miss them terribly - and for me, it can get kind of lonely down here sometimes. This will be the first time Josh has seen his family since we were last home for the weekend of my dad's memorial service (in January).  His mom and sisters will be staying with us for a week, and we have every day jammed packed with activities (and a day or two of rest in there too). We're going to go to the ocean, go snorkeling, go deep sea fishing, go to the McClelland's Zoo, go mini-golfing, go to the movies, go shopping, play cards, and more!! I am SO excited! And it's times like these I'm thankful I don't have to worry about having a job and taking off of work. I can spend my time truly enjoying every minute! (Sorry Josh, you have to find time to study!).

So I may or may not post again until they've left - we'll have to see how busy having fun we stay! :)

On a random note, I had to post today because I wanted to share these two awesome books with you. I read/ finished both books this weekend. Both books I highly recommend to military wives. But I also recommend them for military families and, yes, even to those of you outside of the military community who don't know much about it.

The first book is a Christian fiction novel (it's actually part 2 in a series but I skipped the 1st book and you can too), and it's more for the ladies. It's called Ever After by Karen Kingsbury. Seriously LOVED it. Loved how it discusses society's opinions of war, soldiers, etc. and society's views on faith. The story follows two couples - a mother and father and their daughter and her boyfriend. The mother doesn't know what she believes and lacks faith, is quite liberal, and is a reporter who covers the war in Afghanistan. The father has a strong Christian faith and is retired military.  Their story is about if/ how they can make their marriage work considering their differences. The daughter is a young college student who falls in love with a soldier who is about to deploy for his 2nd tour. I will do a mini-spoiler, all though it won't come as a shocker because even I figured it would happen before reading, but someone dies in the novel. Next to loving how the Christian faith is communicated and portrayed to the characters in the book who are against the war, think the troops are murderers, etc., I love how the death of this character is handled. It reflects the realities facing me and my husband and every other military family out there. And if you were at Hailey's memorial service and wondered how we stood strong, etc., read this book - I felt like one of those characters was written about me. Love, love, love this book. It will move you and could change your perspective on the war and God.

The second book is a Christian, non-fiction book, Hope for the Home Front: Winning the Emotional and Spiritual Battles of a Military Wife by Marshele Carter Waddell. I also LOVED this book. There are soooo many battles that I face and will face as a military wife, and this book addresses many of them and provides scriptural guidance, encouragement, wisdom, and more for how to handle (and shine through) the battles that accompany military life. It's written for the military wife, but I think anyone in a military family (sister, mother, father, aunt, etc.) would benefit from reading it because they will face some of the struggles mentioned, and it can help them be better prepared at understanding what their loved ones are going through.

That's all for now... gotta get back to cleaning!

He's a Black Hawk Pilot & I'm an Army Wife

Last week I mentioned Josh's selection so I figured I should share the results (and sorry for the delay): Josh will be flying Black Hawks (UH-60s) for the Army.

First and foremost, I would just like to say I am immensely proud of my husband, and I know that God has great plans for him as a Black Hawk pilot.

Anyway, thankfully, most people are familiar with Black Hawks so I don't have to do a lot of explaining. Think the movie Black Hawk Down ... not the 'happiest' reference to his airframe I know, but you get the picture. And just in case you don't, here is a picture of a Black Hawk:

Josh will start his advanced training (training in the Black Hawk) in a couple of weeks, and, tentatively, he will graduate from flight school in December, at which point we will PCS (move) to a new duty station. On his selection day the Army allowed him to list 3 duty stations he/we would like to move to next, and we selected Ft. Campbell (Kentucky), Ft. Bragg (North Carolina), and Schofield Barracks (Hawaii). But really we are up for going pretty much anywhere the Army (or God really) takes us. We should be at our next duty station for maybe 3-4 years, and, hopefully, Josh will deploy (which will probably be for about 12 months) shortly after arriving at our next place.

I will admit that being an Army wife is not easy. There are many 'perks' to being in the Army, but many sacrifices that are required as well. All I know is that I completely support my husband, his career, and everything that comes along with it. I doubt that most people from where I'm from, some family included, can even fathom what this all truly means, but I hope through our lives I can give them a little glimpse. I hope they can see a side to the military that often goes ignored, and I hope they can appreciate people like my husband who are serving this country, their families, like me, and all of the sacrifices we're making.

I thought I'd wrap up my post with this cute little piece that got sent to me on Facebook awhile back. You may be familiar with it, or this may be the first time you're reading it... but this does paint a pretty good, general, picture of what life is like for me, an Army wife.

Lots of moving... Moving... Moving... Moving far from home... Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course. Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house. Moving curtains that won't fit. Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours. Moving away from friends. Moving toward new friends. Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories. Often waiting... Waiting... Waiting... Waiting for housing. Waiting for orders. Waiting for deployments. Waiting for phone calls. Waiting for reunions. Waiting for the new curtains to arrive. Waiting for him to come home, For dinner...AGAIN!

They call her 'Military Dependent,',but she knows better: She is fiercely In-Dependent. She can balance a check book, handle the yard work, fix a noisy toilet, bury the family pet... She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts. She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move... all with ONE Power of Attorney. She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her. She reinvents her career with every PCS, locates a house in the desert, the Arctic, or the deep south. And learns to call them all 'home.' She MAKES them all home.

They leap into: Decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches, and friendships. They don't have 15 years to get to know people. Their roots are short but flexible. They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them. Military Wives quickly learn to value each other. They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse network, accept offers of friendship and favors, record addresses in pencil... Military Wives have a common bond: The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique. He doesn't have a 'JOB' He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit... He's on-call for his country 24/7. But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town! His language is foreign TDY PCS OPR SOS ACC BDU ACU BAR CIB TAD

And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his. She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together. A Military Wife has her moments: She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, refuse to move to Siberia, but she pulls herself together. Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, a wedding picture, and she goes. She packs. She moves. She follows.

Why? What for? How come? You may think it is because she has lost her mind. But actually it is because she has lost her heart. It was stolen from her by a man, who puts duty first, who longs to deploy, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his Military Wife. And would have it no other way.

Excited Again

When Hailey died, I could have died right along with her. In fact, part of me longed to die after we lost her because I didn't want to live a life without her, suffering under the immense pain and sorrow of her loss. And many people who experience the death of a love one, allow a part of themselves to die too. Grief can be like that.

Well, I didn't allow myself to do that. My faith didn't allow me to do that. My God didn't allow me to do that. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is faithful to me. I honestly don't think I would have made it through losing Hailey if I didn't have my relationship with my Savior. But even though I had that relationship and that faith, as you all know if you've read my blog before, it doesn't make life perfect and my faith has been shaken and I have questioned.

For awhile I did feel that my future was hopeless. I feared I would never experience full happiness or contentment again. I feared I would never have anything to look forward to or be excited about again. For awhile, I really felt like my life was over. From the moment we learned that Hailey was going to die, I struggled in vain to have a picture of my future in my mind and the only thing I ever saw was black. It was black. It was empty. There was nothing there. And those moments made up my low points in this grieving process. Even as I began to experience God's healing and feel my mourning turn into dancing, my future still was black - like I was blindfolded and couldn't see. I didn't know, couldn't imagine, what God planned for my life after Hailey.

I honestly never thought I could be excited about something again. I don't think there is anything more exciting in life than when you bring a new life into this world. The excitement in preparing for Hailey, feeling her and seeing her growing in my belly, preparing to deliver her and bring her into this world was indescribable. Nothing can compare to the excitement in having such an intimate part in God's creation of life.

But for me, I experienced that heightened, ultimately intense excitement destroyed before I even knew what happened. So in my future, when I thought about if I would ever be excited again... one, I never thought there would be anything that would happen that could bring me excitement again because nothing compares ...and two, after having that excitement turned into tragedy, would I ever allow myself to feel or be capable of feeling excited again - would it stay or be destroyed too?

But for the first time, this past week, I have felt excited again. It was a truly unexpected gift from God. I am excited to be excited again. To go from a place where it feels impossible and incomprehensible to be excited and look forward to something, to suddenly find yourself there... is... AMAZING.

So what have I been excited about?

Well for one, as I'm sure you could have guessed... Hailey's Hope is bringing me such excitement. I am seeing God doing amazing things and it's only been a week! I am so excited to be doing something in memory of her that will share her life with others. And more importantly, I am so excited to be able to give and bless others who really need it. To provide someone who has a baby in a NICU with a source of comfort, support, encouragement, and HOPE.... is going to be AMAZING. I am so looking forward to seeing what will be accomplished through Hailey's Hope. Not to mention, I am so excited about some of the donations I have lined about by simply reaching out and asking - following God's nudge and asking complete strangers and seeing the blessings abound in that - AMAZING.

And yesterday. Yesterday was probably the most exciting day of my life since we lost Hailey. I keep telling Josh I had such an AMAZING time yesterday and had so much fun...but I'm not sure he really understands what yesterday meant to me.

Yesterday was Family Day. You see, for those of you who don't know, my husband is a pilot in the Army. In college he was in ROTC, he received his degree in Aviation, and he is a fixed winged pilot (private, commercial, all that jazz). But I never really saw him fly. One day he called me and told me he was flying over our apartment and I went out on to our balcony and saw a plane. But that is the only time I've ever seen him fly. And now that he is in Flight School training to become a helicopter pilot (of what specific aircraft we don't know yet), he flies helicopters every day...but I've never seen him fly. Until yesterday.

At Family Day the Army invites all of the flight students' families to come watch them fly. I was so exited in my anticipation of this day...and excited that it was finally here. The day was gorgeous. Blue skies. Mid 80s. Nice breeze. We drove out to the airfield where we received a safety brief - which basically told is to stay off the landing strips and that is was going to be loud so we might want to use ear plugs. Josh called and told me what his aircraft number was "zero seven delta." And then the families waited for their loved ones to come flying in.

Then we saw the first helicopter come into view. As it started descending, I searched for the number... and to my delight it was Josh's helicopter! 07D. My husband was the first one to fly in! And then he did some hovering and other maneuvers right in front of the crowd of families. That was my husband! For the next hour and a half, I had the pleasure of watching my husband taking off, flying, hovering, landing, etc. I could have watched him flying all day. Finally I was able to see what he could do, what he worked hard at, what he was talented at, what he could do that not many others could do. I have always been proud of his decision to become an officer in the Army, but yesterday I was more proud of him than I had ever been before.

When his turn was over, he landed and joined us for lunch. He showed us around the stationary helicopter there. We took lots of pictures... when I say lots... I mean hundreds...no joke. I made him take tons of pictures with me, with his helmet on, me with his helmet on, outside of the helicopter, inside of the helicopter, and so on. To say I had fun would be an understatement. I felt like a little kid at a carnival or something. I had a really good time. I had an AMAZING time.



And while I was there having an amazing time, I kept thinking about the things I wrote in this post - how I never thought I'd feel excitement again but there I was excited to the core. And it was AMAZING.

And of course there were ample opportunities to be sad yesterday. It was family day and our family is incomplete. I was childless surrounded by wives with their children. I watched a dad place his helmet on his 3 year old little girl and take pictures with her. That sight would have destroyed me a few months ago. And it could have destroyed me yesterday. The thoughts crept into my mind... "Hailey should be here. Josh should be taking pictures with Hailey and me. I should be pointing up at the sky telling Hailey that that's her dad flying up there." But they did not make me sad... Why?

Because I knew that if God wanted her to, Hailey was watching Josh fly too. Heck, she probably watched him fly since his first flight here.

I am so thankful that I have the hope and the knowledge and full confidence that Hailey is in Heaven. Because if I didn't, yesterday, and every other single day, would be the worst day of my life.

Josh and I watched the movie Love Happens last night... a movie that has grief at its core. In the movie there is a father who is struggling with the death of his child, his son. At one point he yells in angry, frustrated grief that he doesn't have his son...his son is in a box. Ugh. That thought hits me to the core and makes me feel breathless, like the wind is knocked out of me. And in response I thought, that's us, that's me. I do not have my daughter... she is in a box in the ground. Wham. The wind is knocked out of me again.

Could there be any worse thought to think than that? ...

But you know what, I catch my breath quickly and have a wave of relief overcome me after that. Why? Because that's not it. That's not the end...not for her...not for us. Hailey's body is in a box yes. But Hailey... my Hailey that I knew...is not in that box. My Hailey is full and complete and living the life God designed her to live with him in Heaven. That truth, is why I was able to have a good day yesterday.

And lastly, just one more thing I have to share. I was listening to a Christian radio station on the way home from exercising this week. The host was discussing his best friend's wife dying from cancer. The friend, the host, described his best friend's wife's funeral...

My friend stood up, tears streaming down his face. And I just thought .... what are you doing? You are devastated. Stop playing strong Christian and sit down. No one expects you to stand up and say anything. But there he was standing... He [the husband] said, "Today is the happiest day of my life." And here I am thinking have you lost your mind?! Your wife is dead and tears are streaming down your face. This is not the happiest day of your life. Stop trying to fake it. But my friend continued, "My wife is buried in her wedding dress, and I want to tell you why. Before she died we discussed it and this is what she wanted. She wanted to be buried her in her wedding dress because the happiest moment in our lives together was during our wedding dance, and today she is Jesus' bride and she is dancing the wedding dance with him in Heaven. There is no tragedy in losing my wife. The only tragedy is if you leave today not knowing that same Jesus who my wife is dancing with in Heaven."

Wow. Powerful. Of course as I heard that I began crying. Why? Because I can relate to that man...and I know not many others can understand it... and that is the tragedy. I felt the same way at Hailey's memorial service. I felt strong and remembered thinking that people probably thought there was something wrong with me for not being crumpled in heap weeping the entire time. I wanted to rejoice in her life and share her life and God's love for her, for us, at her service. Her death was not a tragedy as one might think... yes it has the potential to be a tragic, devastating event... but God changes it. He gives us love....and HOPE. And the only tragedy...is if you don't know his love...and his hope.