The Great Sadness, I live in the past and in the future

If you have never read the book, The Shack by William P. Young, I highly recommend that you read it.

I read it for the first time in the summer of 2008, and then passed it on to my dad to read that summer (that fall he was diagnosed with cancer). Currently I am in the process of re-reading it. If you know me you know I love a good book, and I am a classic bookworm. I love 'getting lost' in a book. I love books that are encouraging and inspirational and bring me closer to God, and this is such a book. I am such a bookworm that if you were to see me reading it you would find me with a yellow highlighter in hand highlighting away as I read. Just ask Josh. :) Well let me just say that this second reading of the book is so much more meaningful than the first as now I can relate even more to the fictional main character.

I will not spoil any part of the book, but for those of you who have never read it, the book is about a father, the main character named Mack, as he deals with The Great Sadness.  What is The Great Sadness? Well his little daughter (I think she was 6 yrs old) was kidnapped and evidence suggests that she was brutally murdered - don't worry this isn't a spoiler -it's on the back of the book. So The Great Sadness refers to Mack's grief - the grief of  a parent who lost a child... now you see how I can relate.

The following excerpt explains a little about The Great Sadness and how it feels - this is, I think, an amazing, dare I say beautiful, description of grief and what mine feels like many days:

"Little distractions...were a welcome although brief respite from the haunting presence of his constant companion: The Great Sadness, as he referred to it. Shortly after the summer that Missy vanished, The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack's shoulders like some invisible but almost tangible heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting...He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe--trudging daily through the murky despondency that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir" (p. 25).

Without giving anything away, the book deals with the questions we all have for God when someone dies, disaster strikes - Where is God in this? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God allow pain, suffering, etc.? ... You get the idea. I have asked God many of the questions Mack asks God in the book.

At one point in the book (p. 141) a character asks Mack, "...do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?" Mack hesitates before giving his answer and replies, "I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?" The other character says, "...You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?" Mack thinks and then answers, "I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."

I read that last night and thought wow, Mack just gave what I would have answered almost word for word. That is me. That is what I'm doing in my grief. I stopped and thought about the passage I had read. I am here every day in the present living, obviously, but I am not really living. My mind and my heart are usually in the past with Hailey. When they aren't there, my mind is trying to figure out my future.

I knew I wanted to write this post as soon as I read this last night. But just 30 minutes before I sat down to write this I received an email from a friend who sent me a pdf file of a newsletter from Survivors Outreach Services (SOS) she thought I might find useful. An article in the newsletter addresses parental bereavement - the grief of a parent who has lost a child. In discussing how parental bereavement is perhaps more difficult than other types, it states that "for these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child."

I live in the past with Hailey.  I know my past with Hailey was the 9 months in my womb and 36 days on Earth - not a very long past some may say, but it's long enough, trust me. When I look to the future I feel lost, trying to figure it out, like Mack explains. The SOS newsletter also states "parental grief ... may include an overwhelming sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one's very being."

My future was Hailey, but now my future no longer includes Hailey - that grief does feel like it will last until the day I die because I will live without her for the rest of my life. My future has no Hailey now. So I try to figure it out, and I spend a lot of time there. What will I do now? I was going to be a mom to Hailey forever. I was going to be a stay at home mom until she grew older and went off to school full time. Now that future is gone - and I  know I've mentioned this before about how upset I get when people asked me very shortly after Hailey passed about what I was going to do - was I going to teach, sub, get a part time job - and I just wanted them to back off! I still don't like questions about my future because quite frankly I just don't know. Will I ever be a mom again? Will I do some substitute teaching before the school year is out? Will I go back to teaching full time? When? What will I do? Am I ready to do the things I want to do? What can I handle? What do I want to do? These types of questions float around obnoxiously in my head a lot of the day.

So where do I spend my time? In the past with Hailey and in the future trying to figure it out. Like Mack. What a realization this is. I am not living in the present at all. Sure I go work out, I'm involved in various 'Christian things,' I'm taking some classes, I walk Opie, I write my blogs, blah blah blah blah blah ... but I'm just going through the motions. I'm not really here most of the time. My mind is usually elsewhere - I'd say 90% of the time.

And reading this passage last night was kind of a wake up call for me, like it was to the main character of the book. Didn't I just write a post not too long ago about how Hailey taught me the importance of living in the present? Yep. It was so easy to do when she was here with us. But now, am I really practicing what she taught me? No. I feel like Hailey and God wanted to make sure I got that message last night. I did, and I really needed it.

The other character continues the conversation by saying (paraphrased version) that it's not bad to spend time in the past because it's good to take time and remember and learn from the past, but don't make it an "extended stay" make it brief. And for spending time in the future, well that really is pointless too for the most part - when we spend time in the future trying to figure it out we're really trying to play God and give ourselves a false sense of control and most of the time we spend in the future is spent worrying - so true for me lately, oh so true. And this is not good.

The Bible clearly teaches about not worrying about tomorrow (as I've mentioned in another post) and the verse that came to my heart as I've been thinking about all of this is:

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." ~James 4: 13-15

God is in control of our futures - our paths - he will direct our ways if we acknowledge him  (Proverbs 3:5,6) - he knows the plans he has for us (Jeremiah 29:11).

So what did I learn in all of this? My grief and my situation in life have caused me to spend too much of my day in the past and too much of my day in the future. I really need to stop. I need to truly live in the present. Having that perspective really changes everything....It's hard to put into words exactly how it affects me.

Towards the end of that conversation in The Shack,  (p. 142) it reads: "Mack looked down once more at the water and breathed a huge sigh of the soul. 'I have so far to go.'" And in response the other character laughs, "Only about a foot, it looks to me."

I laughed to myself when I read that. So true again. I feel that I am so lost and messed up inside right now. I don't know which way to go. I have no clue where my life is headed in the next month, 6 months, year, or 5 years. Absolutely no clue. And in realizing everything I have been realizing and how to live a better, healthier life, I feel that I too have so far to go. But there I go spending my time in the future. Really... I don't have to go very far if I'm living day to day in the present like I should be.

So ask yourself this? Where do you spend most of your time? Is something in your life causing you to spend your time in the past? Or maybe in the future? Or maybe both?

Live for the present, like Hailey taught us and God continually tries to tell us. ;)

Hailey's 3 Month Birthday, This Little Light of Mine

Hailey would have turned 3 months old today. I can hardly believe it. Time really has been flying by.

One month ago, when I wrote a post on her 2 month birthday I was really struggling with my grief. I wrote about how I didn't feel like celebrating and I felt more sorrow than joy that day. Well I'm happy to say that I feel like I'm able to celebrate her and find more joy than sorrow today on what would have been her 3 month birthday.

When Hailey was with us, we knew we wouldn't be able to celebrate any 'year' birthdays with her. She would have no first birthday party. She would have no sweet sixteen. And so on. We also knew that we might not even be able to celebrate any 'month' birthdays with her. So we decided to celebrate her 'week' birthdays.

Thankfully, God blessed us with 5 ('week') birthdays that we got to celebrate with her, and we were even able to celebrate her 1 month birthday. I am truly thankful and feel very blessed that we had those opportunities to celebrate her birthdays.

I remember listening in on a phone conversation Josh was having with a friend while Hailey was with us. I heard him talk about how we were celebrating Hailey's birthdays with some sort of Birthday cake and how we'd sing her "Happy Birthday," etc. And he said to his friend that we did those things more for me (and us) than for Hailey.

He was right. I wanted and needed those memories. I wouldn't get to be that mom planning and throwing the perfect themed birthday party complete with cake, balloons, and gift bags.  So that 'inner mom' in me needed something that could come close.

So how would we celebrate her birthdays?

Her 1 week birthday was celebrated in a private room at the Children's Hospital. The nurses so kindly met our request and ordered Hailey a cake. We had a small, round, vanilla cake with rainbow sprinkles on it by Sara Lee - it was sooo rich and delicious. That morning I ventured down to the gift shop and ordered her two helium balloons and bought her a birthday present, a little stuffed dog (since Opie couldn't be there with us). So we showed her all of her birthday treats and took lots of pictures with her that day.

Her 2, 3, 4, and 5 week birthdays were celebrated at home. Most of the birthdays I would decorate the living room with shiny silver signs with rainbow lettering that read "Happy Birthday" and I would blow up some balloons. Instead of the typical birthday cards, I made her birthday 'signs' and we took her picture with her sign. I would also usually have a birthday treat - a chocolate cake, brownies, confetti cupcakes, etc. that I would decorate and put candles on. We would light the candles and sing "Happy Birthday" with her. I also had this white teddy bear my dad bought me when I was in college to help celebrate birthdays when he couldn't be there with me - you press it's paw and it sings 'Happy Birthday' and moves and lights up (it has a birthday cake for a hat and the candles light up). So we would also get birthday teddy out and play it for Hailey. We took some pictures with Hailey and the bear - it was bigger than her! I would also buy her the occasional present - usually an outfit (as seen in some of the pictures). Many of the outfits would look somewhat ridiculous on her little body as they were too 'mature' for a little itty bitty baby like Hailey - but that was another one of those things I knew I wouldn't get to do with her (dress her up, go shopping, buy clothes, etc.).  And last but not least, every birthday we would video tape and take tons of pictures with her.

Obviously those 'week' birthday parties we had for Hailey were really for me so I could make memories that I could keep forever in my heart to bring me joy and warmth. Hailey couldn't truly appreciate them - she couldn't eat the chocolate layer cake I bought or the confetti cupcakes I baked; she couldn't blow out her candles; one could argue she had no clue what was going on as we sang her 'Happy Birthday." She was too little to understand. But that's okay.

I know she felt love everyday she was with us. But I also know that she felt the extra love and joy we all felt for her in celebrating her wonderful little life on those special days.

So last month I had a difficult time when she would have turned 2 months old. I couldn't do any of those 'birthday' things for her or with her. To say it was difficult or hard is an understatement... it was probably more like devastating. And I'm sure there will be other 'anniversaries' to come in the future where I will feel more sorrow than joy - that's just the way grief works. But I'm glad today God is enabling me to find the joy in remembering her.

I had a strange idea last night as I tried to fall asleep thinking of Hailey and today. Today I can't hug her, I can't tell or sing her 'Happy Birthday,' I can't do any of those things we used to do with her. Those old traditions don't work. So I decided I need to make a new tradition. I need a special way of remembering her on these 'would have been birthdays.' I need to make 'these' days different from the days that are anniversaries of her death and life in Heaven.

My thoughts are that I will celebrate her life here on Earth, forever 36 days old, every birthday. On the anniversaries of her death I will of course be reminded of our tragic loss, but I will try to focus my feeling on celebrating her life in Heaven.

So what about this strange idea I had you ask - well let me try to explain...

I had the lyrics 'This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...Let it shine...Let it shine...Let it shine..." in my head all weekend. I had watched the movie Corrina, Corrina on Saturday and the little girl sings it several times, but the most memorable for me is when she sings and teaches it to her sorrow-stricken grandmother whose husband just passed away...

Also, one of the things, as a Christian, that I desire to do with my life is be a light to the world: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16). And one of the ways I hope to let my light and Hailey's light shine is through this blog.

We would light candles for Hailey's birthdays and sing to her. Well we can't do that anymore like I said. So in combining the song lyrics and God's word, I got a little idea in my head last night.  I've decided to light a candle today and on those future days to come that mark her 'would have been' birthdays. I will remember her and celebrate her 36 days of life by lighting a candle for her. It's symbolic and meaningful for me in many ways (as I've mentioned some above). But also, her little life shines in my heart every single day and the candle light is a reflection of her shining life and the fire and love that still burn inside of my heart for her.

Today I lit just a regular old candle and I will let it burn most of the day (don't worry I will practice fire safety). But I hope in the future to either purchase or create a special candle just for her on these days.

And I hope this new tradition I've created will help me in the future when some of these markers of birthdays that could not be fill me more with grief than happiness - it will be reminder of what Hailey's life was and what I want mine to be - lives that are lights to the world, that shine before you and others, so that you (and I) may praise God and see His love and goodness.

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Dear God, Thank you for blessing Josh and I with Hailey. Thank you for her 36 days of life and for the memories we were able to create with her. I praise you for your love and goodness today and always. I praise you for allowing me to find comfort and joy in the darkest of times. Thank you for giving me this idea of how I can remember and celebrate Hailey's life - what a new tradition packed in meaning it is! Lord, I pray that you will bless everyone reading this post. I pray that you will continue to use Hailey's life and my own life for good and to bring you glory. I pray that others will come to know you and your love. And please continue to sustain me today by providing me with your peace and comfort and even the miraculous joy only you can give in the midst of tragedy and sorrow - keep the Evil one away with his lies who constantly tries to keep me down in my grief. Please give Hailey even more hugs and kisses and smiles and giggles than you already do, from me. Tell her that her momma loves her and misses her. In Your Son's name I pray, Amen.

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Dear Hailey, Today you would have turned 3 months old. I miss you so much, but I love you so much more. I know I've told you these things before, but I am so proud to call you my daughter. I know we weren't able to spend much time together, but I pray that I was a good momma to you and that you felt covered in my love while you were here. I have so much more to say...but not enough time or words to say it...and that's okay... someday I'll have an eternity with you to tell you my heart. Love you forever! Mom

Out sick

Hi readers ~

I just had to write a quick post to let you know that I have not forgotten about you. I have been out of commission due to some form of the flu and cold for about 5 days now.  I'm hoping that I will feel better soon so that I can write some more entertaining, heartwarming, and/or uplifting posts about Hailey and our journey together.

And,while I started out liking this simplistic black/white type theme for my blog, it really has never fit 'me' and I'm looking to do some upgrading soon as well. So be on the lookout for some new and improved changes coming your way (I hope)!

Sharing Hailey's Story

I just finished writing and submitting Hailey's story for Be Not Afraid - you can find the link to the organization in my list of links on the right of the page. I'm very excited for the chance to have Hailey's story published on their website and encourage other women to not be afraid of diagnoses like Trisomy 18. It is one of the best resources I have come across because it is so inspirational, positive, and encouraging. I will keep you updated and let you know if/when it gets posted.

I'm also going to be writing a short article for a pregnancy center's quarterly newsletter that will go out this summer- nothing 'major' by any means, but I love any chance I get to share about Hailey! :)