Living with a Purpose

(This post is a follow up to several others I've written over the past 8 months. You can find some of them here or  here if you want to read more, even though this post in itself is a lot of reading!)

I have had many conversations with God about my life since losing Hailey. Most involving me desperately trying to figure out God's purpose for me since my two previous purposes and dreams for my life (teaching and being a stay-at-home mom) temporarily died when Hailey did.

Where does my life go from here? What does God want me to do with my life? How can I still use my life, my time, my skills, etc. to serve him? What's his purpose for my life now?

One of the reasons I joined Project Sweet Peas and started Hailey's Hope was because I felt God calling me to fill in the void in my life this way. Some days the things I do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas keep me busy from the moment I wake up until late into the night, and it feels like a full time job. Other days, like I mentioned, there isn't anything I can do. Things are going very slow, and I feel like I need to be doing more than being a housewife. I know I have a nice life, I know I'm needed as a housewife, but my life hasn't felt like 'enough' since I stopped teaching and lost Hailey.

I'm pretty sure this has been a source of frustration for my husband because he can't understand why I have felt the discontentment over my life the way I have and why I've dwelt on it. I mean let's be real, my daily life is very nice and even cushy. I'm able to do a lot of activities I enjoy and a lot of the time my life feels like an extended summer vacation. And I know that because of my husband's demanding job and schedule, he truly needs me as his wife to be at home so I can take care of him, take care of Opie, and take care of and run our household. So why am I feeling discontent when I'm being able to serve my husband and our home and able to do things I enjoy? I needed something more and got that from Hailey's Hope, so why am I still discontent? He hasn't understood it, and I don't blame him because even I haven't always understood it.

I know I am on this earth to serve God and share his love with others. My struggle has been with how I can do this, how I can live with his purpose, fulfill his purpose, and so on.

There are days where I am completely aware God is working through me as I serve my husband as a housewife or as I work to serve strangers who are experiencing difficulties I have experienced. On these days I feel the epitome of what it means to feel full, satisfied, content. Why? Because I am aware of how I'm serving God, I'm aware he's using my time, skills, desires, and so on to serve his kingdom.

You see, it's those 'other' days that get me. The days where I don't have any errands to run, no appointments to be at, nothing to clean or cook, where everything is checked off on my 'housewife' to-do list and where I have nothing more I can do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas other than to sit back, wait, and trust. Sure I still fill my time with taking care of myself, working out, and so on, but I feel almost...useless on those days. I feel like I'm not serving God to my potential. 'That's' my source of discontentment.

Lately I've really wanted to feel like God was giving me one clear purpose for my life. I wanted a God-sized dream for my life, and I wanted to begin to fulfill it. In my narrow mind it was being a teacher or a mom, one of those two things, nothing else. So what could I do when I felt like my dreams were taken away for the time being? I, of course, fought with God about it. Being a housewife isn't enough God, being the project leader of Hailey's Hope isn't enough God, being involved with Project Sweet Peas or Officer's Christian Fellowship or anything else isn't enough God.  My life is being poured out into too many areas, I can't possibly be serving you enough or in the way you want God.

Thankfully, God is always patient with me even as I try to wrestle with him, and God has been doing some slow expanding and growing in my life, my perspective, my heart, my desires, my dreams.

He has been asking me to serve him through being a housewife and giving my time to Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and I've been doing those things without having a servant's heart, without a godly perspective. I see my need and appreciate my role as housewife much more now as I see it through God's eyes. I see my work through Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas as much more important than I've ever realized before. While it's been important to me than anyone can ever know since the day I decided to start Hailey's Hope, I've let myself belittle it in some respects, like it's no big deal, no one cares, no one else sees the importance, etc. But more and more I'm seeing how important it is, both for others and myself, because I'm seeing it through God's eyes.

Recently it's been made clearer and clearer to me how God is calling me to be a mom. He's been showing me over and over again that I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I'm realizing that Hailey can still have an impact on this world, and it's through me. I'm seeing that my role as Hailey's mom is to share about her life, make her life known, and do something on her behalf. Like I've mentioned before (thanks to the words of someone else), I can't bathe, feed, teach, or raise my daughter, but I can share her story, I can give a bag full of items to a stranger going through an incredibly hard and draining situation in hopes that it will ease some of their pain, their stress, and so on.

As time goes on, my heart is growing and growing with a desire to help others who are in situations that I have found myself in with Hailey, and I will take advantage of any opportunities that will allow me to do this. Whether it's through Hailey's Hope and donating bags or through sharing my story on a grief website or releasing balloons in memory of babies other families have lost or something else. I'm ready, and I'm willing, more so than before.

And last but not least, because I will still find myself every now and then with days where I have a lot of free time and feeling like I could be doing more with my life, I did make the difficult decision (yes, I said difficult) to become a substitute teacher here in town at the junior highs and high school. So right as this school year started, I began applying to become a substitute teacher. I thought it was a good choice for me. It would get me back in the schools and enable me to help kids. It would be part-time, flexible, nothing permanent. Plus I would be making a little extra money on the side for us to put in our savings.

But I have to tell you I was hesitant to do it, it was somewhat difficult for me, and it took some courage. My big realization this week has been that I was not emotionally and/or mentally ready to get back out there in this way before now. It takes a lot of mental energy and emotional strength to work, to teach, to sub, much more than normal because of my grief. I have to be prepared to meet new people, be prepared to tell them about Hailey and my situation if it arises, be prepared for what the students throw at me (literally and figuratively), be on my toes (not being distracted by my grief or other issues), be prepared for schedule changes, and so on. While I know so many people out there wonder why I didn't go find a job or start subbing sooner and their questioning made me question myself and feel guilty, the wait was right. Waiting to do this, waiting to sub, was the right thing to do. I am at a place of healing where I can do it again, and for me, it's taken me 8 months.

Anyway,the fact that there were several hoops I had to jump through to start subbing here didn't help my hesitations. I had a list of 8-10 things I had to do before I could turn in my paperwork to the district office, including paying $55 for fingerprinting and $35 for my substitute teaching certificate. (I have to say I was not thrilled to be paying almost $100 to apply to become a substitute teacher for the next 3 months when I learned that I would be making a maximum of $65 a day for subbing). It took me about a week to complete everything, but I did it. Once I turned it all in, I learned it was going to be another 2-6 weeks before I actually received my certificate from the state and could actually be put on the subbing list. Becoming a substitute teacher was a lot more complicated and a lot more work than I had anticipated.

Well yesterday I received a call from the district letting me know that my certificate came in, and I could begin subbing. But, again, there was more to it. I couldn't get on the subbing list until October 1st because they update it once a month. So if I wanted to get put on right away, I had to go talk to each of the schools individually and get added to their lists temporarily. If that wasn't enough, I have to pass out my resume at one of the schools because the teachers call in their own subs and won't call you if they don't know you. And to top it off, I can't get on the high school's subbing list until I've gone through their orientation, and they don't know when the next one will be.

Yesterday I decided to be proactive and get as much done as soon as I could. I went around to all the schools and got added to the subbing and orientation lists. Stepping back into the schools, learning their layouts, their rules and policies, their administration/staff, and everything else was pretty surreal. It brought me back to a few years ago when I was applying for different teaching positions, putting myself out there, interviewing, and then learning about my first teaching position. Being back in the 'real world' reminded me of how hard it is to be out there! I felt a mixture of excitement about being back in the schools and some doubt and hesitation, as I already mentioned, (and dare I even say, fear) over whether this was the right thing for me to do, whether I'm ready for what I'm getting myself into, etc. But getting out there and doing all of this has brought back my confidence and feeling like I can still do this.

So right now, everything is feeling 'right' and perhaps I'm overcoming this struggle that has come with my grief. It hasn't just been the decision to start subbing that has changed this; it's also in part due to my evolving perspective on my role as a housewife and Hailey's mom. I am grateful for and looking forward to how my time is going to be spent being a housewife, being involved in Officers' Christian Fellowship and other groups, working on things for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and now subbing every now and then. I feel like (and continue to pray that) my desires, my talents, my time, and serving God with my life are all working out together.

This is what he's given me, and I will give him all I've got.

**1 Peter 4:10**

Links I Love

Several of the blogs I follow occasionally write a post dedicated to links of websites and blogs they 'love' and want to share with their readers. Since I usually enjoy those posts and checking out new stuff, I thought I would start doing that too.

Check these out when you have time!

Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day Memorial Balloon Release - So honored to be a part of this amazing project and to be one of the people releasing balloons in memory of the babies lost during pregnancy and shortly after birth, including my Hailey Marie. If you know someone who has lost their baby, please consider sharing and suggest they be a part of this.

The Mercy House - The God-sized dream of Kristen @ We are THAT Family. She just gave a sneak peek of this dream today. After checking it out, I am so inspired and in awe of her. She is a beautiful, faithful servant of the Lord, and God's light is surely going to shine through this project of hers. Amazing.

Adding Zest to Your Nest - Never seen anything like this site. Honestly, I think it's amazing and is filling a huge void that's out there. Without trying to explain it myself, I'll let their purpose statement explain it: "Our desire is to create a safe place for women to discuss our sexuality as Christians. We believe sex should be a delight, a treasure, and a gift to share with our husbands."

Military OneSource - For you military wives out there. I'm sure you've heard of this site, but what you may not have heard is that they give you FREE books (fiction and non-fiction) and other materials about military life. I just ordered and received 7 amazing books - and didn't pay a penny! You have to do a little digging around on the site to find the place for the books, but they're there and you should take advantage of it!

She Reads - This one is for my fellow bookworms. I long for a good read that is Christian-based, fiction and non, and quite frankly, I have a tough time finding recommended books. I hate aimlessly searching the 'Christian' section of the bookstore, which is why I love this website.

(in)courage - If you're a loyal reader of my blog, you know I reference this site every now and then. It has been a great source of encouragement for me and a place that has strengthened my walk with Christ. I absolutely love their description of their site because that's what it feels like when you visit there (and I've always dreamed of having a beach house): "You can put your sandy, dirty feet on the coffee table, laugh late into the night with friends, and also hear God’s voice clearer than perhaps anywhere else. Life just feels more vibrant and real, as if you’ve stumbled upon a glimpse of heaven and it’s nothing like you ever imagined but everything you’d always hoped."

National Day of Encouragement

I love that today is National Day of Encouragement. Who doesn't need an encouraging word? Especially in light of yesterday being the 9 year anniversary of September 11, 2001. The world can be a discouraging, dark, seemingly hopeless place for too many reasons to name, which is why we all need to be uplifted and encouraged, not just today, but every day. My last post was specifically about encouragement in my life, you can read it here or just scroll down to the post below this one.

But today I just want to leave you with some encouraging words. These words have been perhaps the most encouraging and comforting words I've read in a long time. They come from the book of Isaiah, which I have been enjoying studying this summer. For me, there's nothing more awesome than reading the words God spoke about me...about you... I pray these words will encourage you and uplift you and meet you wherever you are today. May you have a very blessed day and know you are loved!

To: You, With Love: God

"...you are precious and honored in my sight...and I love you..."

Isaiah 43:4

"I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Isaiah 46:4

How can you encourage someone today?

Encouragement

(Really I should be waiting to post this on September 12th (you'll find out why as you read), but I just can't wait anymore!)

If you were to ask me what God's been teaching me about lately, I'd tell you He's been teaching me about encouragement.

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

God has been speaking to me in so many different ways about encouragement over the past week or so, and, like, always it takes me awhile to realize, "Oh. Is that you God? Are you trying to tell me something again? Oh, okay. After the 100th time, I think I got it now!" Sheesh...anyway...

As I've mentioned over and over again, a few weeks ago I hit a really low point. It was close to the 2nd most difficult time of my life after losing Hailey and my dad in January. There were a lot of issues in my life adding up, making a huge mountain before me, and life was just overwhelming.

One of the areas I'd been experiencing difficulty with is not something that occurred recently but is something I've been struggling with over the past year, and heck my whole life if I really want to get real - and that is - relationships.

Long story short, during the time when I was feeling really depressed about losing Hailey and other 'stuff," I was feeling very discouraged about my relationships. I was feeling close to alone and forgotten even though I really wasn't, but it's easy to feel that way since I've moved 1000 miles away from friends and family (sure I've made friends here in Alabama, but they come and go because that's life in the military) - and Satan sure likes to attack me in this area.  I was longing to feel the support and encouragement of family and friends. Sure I have family and friends who love me and support me, but I wasn't feeling their 'presence' as much as I wanted, being away from them was making it all the more difficult, and to be honest I was having high expectations of what I thought they should be doing and feeling let down. So I guess you could say I was desperately wanting the relationships in my life to be better and wanting new, quality, lasting relationships to come into my life.

Through the help of my husband and God's gentle reminders, I learned some important lessons from that particular struggle of mine.

Even though I'm experiencing a very difficult period of my life with the loss of my baby and my dad, and it is okay for me to be needing support and encouragement from my friends and family instead of feeling forgotten, but that doesn't mean I can expect to have relationships where I'm taking and not giving. I had almost come to believe that I was the only one giving and felt I deserved to take a 'time out' and just sit there and take from my relationships. I was completely "me" focused, and it was leaving me with just "me," feeling lonely.

Instead of wanting to be encouraged by others, why didn't I just stop focusing on myself and focus on what I can do and how I can encourage others. I try, but I need to be more encouraging and supportive in my relationships. Everyone needs encouragement and support no matter what they're going through, big or small, and I am not the only one who needs those things. I can give those things to the people in my life. In fact, God calls me to do it:

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up" 1 Thess. 5:11

Furthermore, I've again been reminded of the power of prayer. (Why do I ever doubt it?) If I'm dissatisfied with my relationships or wanting new friendships, why don't I pray instead of complain?

Being an Army wife makes friendships hard, especially for an introvert like myself. It's hard to maintain long distance relationships with old friends. Not to mention I continually have to seek out opportunities for new relationships, continually have to invest in people, and continually have to learn how to maintain the new friendships I've made as we all move to different states and countries. It's really difficult and feeling alone is easy to do when you are always moving to new places, but all that means is that I have to try harder.

So anyway, first of all , my perspective changed regarding the status of my current relationships and that has made me feel much more content, and I am really working on serving and encouraging the people in my life. I love feeling encouraged, and I love being able to encourage others. I recently received a set of Dayspring cards from an (in)courage giveaway in honor of September 12th, which is apparently a national day of encouragement. So I am excited to mail a few of those out, but more importantly, I am excited as I go about my day thinking of who I can encourage and how - not just on September 12th, but every day.

In addition to changing my perspective, I prayed and prayed over my current relationships and prayed for future relationships. And as he always does with his perfect time, God revealed himself to me and answered my prayers by blessing me with encouragement and new friendships. Here's how...

The week I began feeling very down about losing Hailey and feeling like no one cared anymore, I received a card and a letter in the mail from two college Bible study friends. They each had written me heartfelt notes with prayers and scripture expressing their love and care for me. I nearly cried while reading them feeling the awesomeness of God's timing and love through these ladies. And I actually laughed at one point when one of my friend's was apologizing that these notes weren't sent any sooner to me - little did they know these notes came at the exact time when I needed them to come. Their encouragement felt AMAZING.

Then on the Sunday night of one of my most difficult weekend's ever for me emotionally (literally not even 24 hrs after I began praying specifically over my friendships), I received a Facebook message from a new friend I met here at Ft. Rucker. She had noticed on my Facebook or blog that I was feeling a bit down and invited me out to lunch the next day. She told me that she'd read that I love to talk about Hailey and my dad, and that she'd love it if I'd share about them with her. Another answered prayer, right when I needed it. I thank her for her heart and taking the time to invest in someone she recently met.

And as if that's not enough, I received another encouraging and uplifting message from another old college friend recently. She too apologized for her timing as she had just learned of what happened with Hailey. But she had such caring, kind, encouraging words and prayers for me. For me, it was perfect timing again as it was the day after what would have been Hailey's 9 month birthday and as I'm continuing on during this difficult season of life.

And as if that's not enough, I had started to feel a little discouraged about how fundraising and donations and support were going for Hailey's Hope, and then I received 2 messages on Hailey's 9 month birthday from people in my life who were messaging me about supporting and donating to Hailey's Hope. How awesome is that?

I can't say it enough - every one of those moments were just AMAZING and AWESOME and clearly God at work. And I can't begin to describe what all of these encouraging words have meant to me... It's truly been heartwarming and uplifting.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24