I am realizing that there isn't just one goodbye. There were the 'obvious' goodbyes. The goodbye 5 months ago today when I released Hailey from my arms and gently, against my will passed her little body into the arms of the hospice worker who carried her in her arms in the car to the funeral home. The goodbye the day of her memorial service as her casket was about to be closed when I laid my tearful eyes upon her face and stroked her head softly with my finger tips knowing it would be the last time I ever saw her or touched her this side of Heaven. And there was the goodbye at her burial... as everything became so 'final.'
And to my surprise, there continue to be goodbyes every morning I wake up with out her. Every morning as I awake and transition to the state of mind between dreams and reality, a part of me deep within my soul expects Hailey to be here with me. Maybe it's my maternal instinct, but as I'm waking up I feel as though Hailey is with me, I need to get ready to start my day and to take care of her... And every morning when reality finally sets in, I am reminded that she is not with me. In that reminder I have to learn to say goodbye to her and live another day without her, again. I don't notice it so much anymore, but it subconsciously happens every morning, every day. It's a cycle, a routine that will always be in my life now.
But I know none of these moments were ever really goodbye. They were 'see you later' or 'goodbye for now.' For my hope in Christ is that Hailey is with Him now, and I will one day return to them both.
As I usually do on the anniversaries of Hailey's death, I give a recap of where I consider myself to be on this grief journey. The month of May started off incredibly difficult with the usual anniversaries of her birth day and the day she passed compounded by Mother's Day and our trip to the geneticist. But it got better as the month went along in terms of missing and grieving Hailey (little things like making her photo book and Hailey's Hope helped). But other areas of my life became difficult as grief tends to affect everything. So this past month started off with the storm raging and by the end of the month it was more like a light, steady summer rain.
Considering the typical stages of grief, I feel I have been at acceptance for awhile, although I don't always remain in a stage once I'm there...I go back and forth in different ones at times. But for the most part I have experienced all stages and have accepted my loss. I read this week in one of my final devotionals, as I'm starting to finish my books on grieving, a reminder I loved - that as a Christian, acceptance isn't the end. The end of this grief journey is not me accepting the death of my daughter as a final goodbye, that I will never see her again, that she is dead and gone and will never live again, and moving on with my life in the pain that remains. As a Christian, there is restoration. So I am in the stage of restoration where God is restoring my broken heart and soul each day. He is restoring what's broken and making it whole and complete again because I am trusting in Him and His goodness and His healing. He is the restorer of my soul, and He makes my hope of being reunited with Hailey in Heaven possible. The truths spoken by David, a parent who suffered the loss of his baby, echo this stage of my grief journey, which is restoration:
He restores my soul. Psalm 3:3
So today, on the 5 month anniversary of Hailey passing, I praise God for being the maker, restorer, and redeemer of my soul. I praise Him for His goodness and His love. I praise Him for His wonderful creations which include my beautiful baby even though the world's eyes might not see her as a perfect, beautiful gift from God. I praise Him for sending her to us and gracing us with her presence for 36 days.
Today in church we sang one of my all time favorite worship songs, "Blessed Be Your Name" by Tim Hughes. And I think it's the first time I've sung it in a church setting since Hailey has passed, but it is one song that has been in my heart and my mind and on my lips almost daily as I deal with her loss. All I could think as I sang these lyrics today were how true they are and how those words are my words and praises to God.
The song starts:
Blessed be Your name / When the sun's shining down on me / When the world's 'all as it should be' / Blessed by Your name.
And I think, how easy it is for us to say blessed by Your name and praise God when everything is good. And then the next verse:
Blessed be Your name / On the road marked with suffering / Though there's pain in the offering / Blessed be Your name.
Not so easily said and maybe even unfathomable to many, but for me even...
When the darkness closes in, Lord / Still I will say / Blessed be the name of the Lord / Blessed be Your name.
And then finally, the lyrics that say it all for me and my life and touch on the verse that's the tagline for my blog...
You give and take away / You give and take away / You give and take away / My heart will choose to stay / Lord, blessed be Your name.
Amen and Amen...
**Love you and miss you Munchkin... I'm imagining Jesus giving you tons of hugs and covering you in kisses from us today. And I'm imagining you being happier than I can imagine! I can't wait to be with you again one day...Until then, know we love so much. Love always, your momma.**
